is hubby truly sorry?
Find a Conversation
is hubby truly sorry?
| Fri, 02-13-2004 - 5:49pm |
I am new to this board and hoping I can get some advice on a difficult decision I'm trying to make. It's such a long story, but my hubby and I recently separated and now he is trying to convince me that he has "seen the error of his ways" and that he's a changed man and I truly don't know what to think. Here's a brief story of what's happened....we've been married for 7 years and it's a 2nd marriage for both of us. We had a wonderful courtship full of romance and real sharing. Since we both had been divorced, we understood the importance of really being open about things and making sure we understood each other so as to not avoid another mistake. After 1-1/2 years of dating, we got married and things were going along OK until about 3 years ago. We both had endured some serious illness issues that turned out OK, some family issues and through this process our relationship started to change....I could sense we were starting to lose some of that strong connection we always had. One main thing that started to have an affect on my hubby is his "climb up the ladder" at work and his continued determination to be a success. Through the years I learned he had quite an insecurity about "measuring up" and viewing himself as successful, so by him moving up at work, this fueled his self-image. As we started having some problems, he threw himself into work even more and eventually into a sporting club that provided another opportunity to become successful....by becoming actively involved on the board and running different committees. Again, during this time our relationship was starting to hurt and I could see our time together changing....both by quantity and quality. About 3 years ago we were not getting along and after arguing alot, he approached me and said he wanted a divorce...he just couldn't take it anymore. I was beside myself with grief but managed to pull myself together to look at apartments. As much as I hurt, I didn't want to be with someone who didn't want me. Well, a week passed and he came to me and stated he was just reacting in anger to our problems and did not want a divorce. I forgave him and we continued on in our relationship. Things were OK for a while, but after about a 1-1/2 years, problems began again. The same old thing....his continual need to succeed and neglecting me and our marriage. Again, after many arguments, I came to him and told him my needs and he would need to make a decision as to whether he was going to make us first or his need for success. As you guessed, he came back to me and said he wanted a divorce. Again....I was heartbroken and ventured out to look at apartments and make plans for a new life. A week later he came to me crying (something he would never do) that he was a mess and needs help to figure out how to handle this stress in our marriage better, instead of just throwing out the "divorce" word like that. He begged me to stay and suggested counseling. To see him cry like that touched me because he is a man that does not believe in showing emotions like that. Anyway....I agreed to stay and go for counseling, which helped but we had to stop the counseling due to a change in our insurance plan that would no longer pay for counseling visits and at the time we could not afford the sessions. We decided to try to do some of the work ourselves and for awhile it went OK. This all happend at the start of last year and around summer time everything started getting bad again. He was back in that "success" mode and our time together again was strained. I became depressed and started thinking in my mind that I wanted to separate because I could not go through this again and just waiting for him to make me and the relationship a priority. While I am a modern, independent woman I still have a very old-fashioned belief in marriage and sticking it out as long as you can so when my hubby in the past would make attempts at fixing our problems, I thought that was good because at least he was trying. So, finally last fall we got to that point again of arguing alot and I was very unhappy and brought up the idea of separation to him several times, which he was not in agreement with. His response was that things were what they were for the time and I just need to give it more time to work out. So, finally around November I came to him in tears and desperation saying I just couldn't go on like this anymore - not having hardly a connection with him - and that I need him to give me an answer as to what he wants, should we separate, etc? Well, he came back to me a couple weeks later with the answer - you guessed it - he wanted a divorce. And he actually went to a lawyer and filed papers and this time I believed him to be serious. After the anger subsided, we actually had some pretty good talks about the relationship and that we agreed we have to cut it and go our own ways. While we feel a strong friendship to each other, for some reason the marriage just could not work. I was torn because I believed what we were talking about, but I still loved him so much and I had NEVER met anyone before who I felt such a very strong connection. Anyway, during the holidays, I ventured out and found an apartment and starting making plans for my new life. I moved into my new place just this January and while I have had some very rough times, for the most part I'm doing OK. At times I'm actually happy to be alone (something I've never been) and I know in part it was because I was away from the years of frustration. Now here comes the problem.....my hubby and I have kept communication going and NOW he believes he has made the worst mistake of his life and wants us to fix our marriage. He has been going to counseling for the past month to work on these issues he has of "measuring up", etc., and a lot of things he is telling me now I just wish he would have done about a year ago! He has given up some activities that interfered in our time together and is just a different person. I told him I still love him, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore and I just can't trust what he's saying because of his past history. He understands that and admits this is happening because he's missing me, missing us and realizing what a complete idiot he has been for several years and I am right to be mad at him for the number of times he wanted a divorce. He still agrees we need to be separated and work on our separate issues, but he also wants us to investigate whether there is hope to save our marriage. Our divorce will be final in June and he is asking me that if I have any doubts as that date gets closer, can we put the papers on hold? Honestly...I just don't know how I feel totally about him and our marriage. I am devastated at his actions and I just don't trust it or him. But then there's that part of me that is wondering....if he truly is "getting it" this time and, again, because I am old-fashioned in my thinking of marriage, should I give him a chance to prove himself? We believed we were each other's "soul mates" and I just told him that I didn't think a soul mate would treat the other soul mate the way he has treated me by 3 times telling me he wanted a divorce. In my opinion, if that would happen just once, it would scare me enough to make darn sure the relationship never got out of control again. He is acting just like he did when we were dating....cards, flowers, letters, etc., but I just don't know!!!! Is it too late? Can I truly trust what he is saying now? I am so confused on this situation...so any advice would be so appreciated!

If I were you, I would insist on weekly counseling sessions between now and June, and damn the cost.
It sounds like your hubby has strong underlying insecurities that he needs to work on. It is unfair to call your relationship a stress if what is truly bothering him are issues he has within about who he is.
I think it is great that you took matters into your own hands and moved out for your own peace and health. This will help you grow and forces both of you to take space. I would advise to remain calm, and go slow. As you know there is more to mending a marrige than flowers and courtship. That is wonderful, but he is trying to restablish trust and that requires a diffrent approach.
I wouldn't make any moves for a while....just observe him in the next few months and see if his actions reflect what he is saying about the changes he has made.
Take this time to reflect on you and what you want.
Good luck.
well - why is HE calling all the shots here? what do YOU really want to do? do you REALLY want to be with this man? put aside all your feelings of guilt, your so-called "old fashioned" way of thinking, etc - and ask yourself what is it that YOU want. this man has been playing with your feelings, and manipulating you for a loooong time and you can't see it yet.
if you (both of you, together) want this marriage to succeed - then you both need professional help. your husband's claiming that he "seen the error of his ways", his wineing and dining you, his tears, etc are all BS (sorry, but thats what i think). you need REAL ACTION here and the only way you will see that is if BOTH OF YOU get yourselves to couple's therapy and to individual therapy. and its not going to change after one month either. i mean he can send you a hundred cards, and you wil get back together , and every time the going gets rough he is going to pull out the "i want a divorce card".
but then, the question is, again - WHAT DO *YOU* WANT? if you are unsure, if you don't know, then get YOURSELF to a therapist and work this out.
i invite you to the "surviving divorce" board (I am also going thru a divorce now) - full of great people with great advice.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsmartdivor
Another piece of the puzzle is my hubby's family and the influence they seem to have on him. Long story short of it, part of this "measuring up" problem he has comes from an unhealthy relationship he has always had with his father. He has never felt loved or accepted from him. You see, his dad is not his biological dad and he always felt he is the "different" sibling of the family, although no one treats him differently, except for his dad. (His mom had him out of wedlock and then married his "dad" who adopted him.) During his childhood, his dad would say just terrible things to him like "you're never going to amount to anything", etc., etc. and all of this has haunted him his whole life and been the basis to succeed. His opinion through the years has been "I'll show him". Anyway, throughout our relationship, amazingly the connection he had with his father was getting better and he believed it was because he was finally "succeeding in his father's eyes". But the problem for me is that I believe this "thing" he has regarding the approval of his father/family just seems to change him and I saw it throughout our relationship and I just don't want to go through that again. That's part of what I don't trust! I believe that issue, even though it has gotten better, will always be there for him and interfere with us. And, I have had some rough roads with his family myself and not being totally accepted for who I am, and let's put it this way...I would usually have a drink or two before going to any family gathering because I just didn't know what to expect. And to be away from that family has been wonderful!!!!!!! So....for me, his family is another huge issue in any conversation about getting back together. My hubby knows completely how I feel and he has even said he would be willing to move away, to not have as much contact with them. But this is his family and I would feel guilty for requesting that of him, especially since he has found a closer connection in the last couple of years.
So, as you can see.....there is just a ton of confusion for me and I think for now what I know to be true is that I need a lot of time and space to sort it out and to get some counseling to help in the process. There's a greater part in me that wants to continue with our divorce and to start a new life, but I wrestle with the thoughts that could he finally be making the changes he's needed to do for some time and I could be throwing it all away then?
Well, thanks for your honesty & it has so helped me!