HUH? What the ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
HUH? What the ?
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 8:58am
Last night, the most annoying damn thing happened to me.

BF and I were talking to the neighbors in their yard. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a slip of paper, folded in half. He looked at it and said "where the hell did that come from?" I said "it looks like an in-store coupon for something..." He didn't open it up or look at it, just shoved it back in his pocket REALLLLLL quick. So, right away, I knew something was up - he just acted 'odd' after that.

Later, we went home - he got in the shower. I needed to use the calling card to make a call, and it was in his wallet. So, as I'm digging in his wallet, the slip of paper falls out and WHAMMO there's a woman's name/number written on the back.

I asked him 'hey, do you need this?' trying not to get all bent out of shape. Then he comes out and LIES to me "uh, I don't know what it is or where it came from." Yeah, well, last time I checked, numbers didn't just write themselves and hop into your pocket. I flat out asked him what was going on - why did he have this number? So, he tells me again "I don't know what it is...but I don't need it you can throw it away." So, I asked if he was telling the truth - he said he I said "well, I'll just call the # myself and find out..." Then I ripped it to shreds and threw it out.

Called the number - left a message to the woman saying I didn't know how her number wound up in my man's pocket, but I didn't appreciate it. Then I confronted him again - THIS time he tells me that it was given to him by a friend about a job...Well, if that was the TRUTH, why didn't he tell me that to begin with? So, by now I'm totally confused because it was obviously a woman's HOME number and from the message on her machine, she didn't have anything to do w/ a job...

Needless to say, we got into a huge pissing match about this. I was furious because he kept changing his story - I mean, honestly, if the # was about a job, why didn't he just tell me that to begin with instead of this "I don't know" bs?

He took off and went to his parents. Later, I called the woman back...and talked to her. Come to find out, they were just 'acquaintances' - she used to bartend at a local bar and they used to talk a bit last year when he'd come into the bar...nothing ever happened cause she was never even interested in him because she thought he was 'way out in left field and has a split personality' (if she only knew the 1/2 of it)...Anyhow, YES, she did give him the number because the place where she is working is always hiring. She was highly irate that he had lied to me, because it made HER look like a bad person. He doesn't know that I talked to her and I'm not going to tell him. I was relieved that he DID tell the truth...BUT...

I don't understand and cannot comprehend WHY he didn't just tell me the truth to begin with? Instead of letting me jump to conclusions about him cheating or wanting to cheat or WHATEVER thoughts I had when he tried denying his knowledge of where the # even came from. HOW STUPID? Talk about pissing me off! WHY would you make something sound WORSE than what it really was?

I'm done. I've had it. I just cannot and will not deal with this crap. Tonight I am going to talk to my parents and get some advice from them, maybe stay there a few nights...I just don't even care - I want to have MY LIFE BACK...I want to eat cereal for dinner in my underwear and dance to "Baby Got Back" on MTV. I want to be able to shut all my lights off, turn the TV off and go to BED by 10pm, instead of having to try to sleep with both of them on while someone stays up until 3-4am.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:05am
Look, he doesn't tell the truth because he doesn't want to. He doesn't value the truth - you knew that by his deception with himself regarding all his issues. You know that because he doesn't take responsibility for his situation in life - it's everybody else's fault. And you knew he's a liar because of all that - and if for one second you believed that you'd change that with your presence in his life - you were unrealistic.

And...stop looking to him to move out like a reasonable man. Nothing he's done is reasonable and he's in a situation now where he gets a bed, a shower, hot meals, laundry done and sex. So he's not going to go anywhere - take it from anybody out there including me who's been in an abusive and userous relationship by choice (because that's what you're in and you're there by your own choice, decisions, actions, and words) - he's not going anywhere - you're going to have to.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:12am
He could very well have lied to you because he's a cheater, a habitual cheater who is so used to lying he can't remember lies from truth anymore. But you fished the number out of his pocket when he was not looking, called it, and it turns out to be something completely innocent.

So, my guess is he lies because he knows that you are inclined fish phone numbers out of his pocket when he's not looking and call them.

Do you get my meaning? You don't trust him and you hassle him. I don't know the whole history of your relationship, but you're trying to make it like this is HIS problem. That HE is the only one who's done something wrong. What you did was just out of line.

If you're sick of him, and obviously you are, leave him. But don't tell yourself it's all "his" fault. For whatever reasons you don't trust him, so you invade his personal space, trample his boundaries, and go on fishing expeditions to "prove" he's unfaithful. When that doesn't turn out to be the case you are still angry about his "lying" to you about the "real" reason for having the number in his pocket.

He's lying to you to avoid getting hassled, which is something you seem to be very good at doing.

I'm not saying he's a good boyfriend. I certainly don't know the whole story about your relationship. If he has a history of cheating on you, and you KNOW he's cheated, well that might be different. In that case he owes it to you to make his life an open book.

But if you are just terminally suspicious, I'm not suprised that he is hiding things from you. Digging through your boyfriend's pockets for phone numbers and having conversations about him with the people who happen to answer is really out of bounds.

Don't you think what YOU did was the littlest bit uncalled for? Go back to your parents if that's where you want to be. But acknowledge your part in this or your next relationship is going to end up the same way.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:20am
He's not a cheater - has never cheated on me at all. THAT is why I was pissed when he didn't tell me the truth to begin with. By 'hiding' something - it completely MADE it look like he WAS cheating.

I didn't come to him screaming, ranting, raving - I asked him 'hey, do you need this? it fell out of your pocket when I picked your pants up'. I didn't accuse him of cheating - I flat out asked him an innocent question - which HE chose to lie about.

This is the first time something like this has happened. Yes, what I did was out of line, BUT what he did was ALSO wrong. He made a mountain out of a molehill - when all he had to do was say "yes, my friend Sue (or whatever) gave me her number to call about a job" big damn deal. But NOOOOOOOOOO - he tells me he 'doesn't remember' where it came from or where he got it? PUHLEASE.

I would NEVER have called that number had he told me the facts up front. But, making it sound like there was 'more to it' - well, I felt justified in calling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 10:51am

Well I'm glad he's not a cheater!

But think about this--people sometimes "lie" because they're not sure what the truth is themselves yet. I don't think your boyfriend lied in the true sense of the word.

Remember, that phone number signifies a JOB possibility to him. Something he might himself be unsure of, or undecided on. He might just not want to talk about it with you yet, even to just say "that's about a job..." Because then you'd follow up on it, ask him more....when he wasn't sure and didn't WANT to talk about it yet. Maybe he didn't want the job and didn't want to talk about THAT.

When you asked "Do you need this" essentially at that moment he had to decide whether or not to tell you about the job, which might have been stressful for him, especially if he didn't know whether he needed it (the paper, the job) or not. The word "this" refers to something indeterminite in this situation. It's the job, but it's also thinking about the job, talking about it with you, etc.

He didn't need that right at that moment. He didn't want to think about it. So he lied. Or rather, tried to fudge the truth so as not to have to talk to you about it just then, or think about it just then.

It may be no big deal to YOU to say "My friend sue gave me this number about a job..." but that might be a big deal to HIM.

I don't know everything, but that's just my immediate "read" on one strong possibility.

Like I said, you seem to have a lot of frustration at him that stems over other things, not just this. People who are happy in their relationships and happy with themselves don't comb through their bf's pockets looking for incriminating evidence.

I'd think about why you're so unhappy with him that you feel compelled to respond to this situation so suspiciously and angrily. It may be that this incident served as a catalyst for your other emotions. I'd search your actions as well as his, and talk to someone you can trust who knows you and your bf and can be dispassionate about the situation (NOT someone who will automatically take your "side").

Obviously, this isn't the whole story.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:23am
Don't waste any more time with that loser. He is a loser and he's running out of excuses. Don't be stupid and stay with him. You deserve so much better!!!! Job??? PLEASE!!!!! If it was innocent, he would have told you right away what it was. Don't fall for his lies!!! Dump the jerk and look for a man who treats you right!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 11:34am
"left a message to the woman saying I didn't know how her number wound up in my man's pocket, but I didn't appreciate it."

You keep contradicting yourself. Yesterday you said you wouldn't call his ex because you wouldn't want to piss him off. So why did you do that? Don't you feel a responsibility to have a safe environment for yourself and your child?

Why are you wasting any more energy on this man and why do you keep updating us with how awful he is? Are you waiting for us to agree with you that he is bad for you. We already do but you need to take responsibility too.

"He doesn't know that I talked to her and I'm not going to tell him."

Oh good. You are lying to him now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:06pm
I didn't CALL his ex. I called the # that was on the paper from his pocket. He told me to pitch it - which I did - so he doesn't have it anymore, doesn't know where this woman lives and has no way of knowing that I called her - unless he happens to run into her again...and she tells him, which from talking to her - I don't think she will.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 12:11pm
Seriously, do you have a gluten for punishment???? Do you have a serious need for attention??? Every other day this man does something you don't like! Every day you are miserable, anxious, non-trusting, afraid, annoyed, etc. What the hell do you get out of this relationship, because it must be something (as one post previously suggested). What are you waiting for. It doesn't matter if he told this little lie or not, he's a jerk! I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you write about him complaining all the time, then you defend his actions when we give you advice! Suck it up and pay double rent if you have to...see if you can't get someone to help you financially in that dept if you have to, just get out! I'm really sorry to say this, but if you stay with him, you really deserve what you get, but what I'm really sad about is that your child is innocent and her future is a direct result of your actions (or non-actions) right now! Did you ever have an abusive parent or step parent? Do you have any idea how much info children soak up that you think they don't notice???? You are crazy to think that she doesn't' know what is going on. I didn't' even read the post about him killing your child's pet. I'm sure now you will defend him even more after I post this.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 1:54pm
I just find it terribly ironic that *this* is what's going to get you out the door, rather than concern for your daughter and her safety, which *should* have had you out the door as soon as you had an *inkling* as to his temper!

But if this is what does the trick, then all's well that ends well.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:34pm
I'm not going to defend him. What I'm defending are my FEELINGS for him. You have to see, he wasn't "this person" when we met - I had no idea he was like this...of course, because I had on the 'new relationship rose-colored glasses' and he was putting on the 'I want to be your man' show.

I should have left when I first saw him get angry when we went camping in April. I should have called the cops when I got the bloody nose. I should have left many times, but I get paralyzed by my fear of being alone, being 'blamed', feeling guilty for giving up on someone. I'm a 'people pleaser' - always have done things to make everyone else happy - many times forfeiting my own pleasures and wants in order to do so.

What I don't understand is when he tells me that all he wants is his freedom...nothing is holding him hostage - LEAVE for God's sake! I don't hold a gun to his head and make him stay or make him do anything HE doesn't agree to do! And when he gets in his tizzy of a mood and starts yelling and I try to leave, he begs me to stay. WHY??????????????

This whole thing is just eating me up inside. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I took up smoking again (something I swore I'd never do!), and I'm just irritable and anxious all day. I can't focus at work, I haven't seen my friends or family nearly as much as I used to.

I just want to know that if I leave, things will get better...and not worse.