Hung up on his ex -- how to tell?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2008
Hung up on his ex -- how to tell?
2
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 12:43pm

Hi everyone!

My boyfriend and I have been together for four months. He moved in with me after 2 of those months when he decided to move out (he's 23, I'm 25). I was wary of the idea, but I wasn't expecting the worst. I was still head over heels for him, so it felt more like I was saving him from his overprotective mother than making a big relationship no-no.

I do all the cleaning. I think he's ran the dishwasher twice. My apartment looks like it exploded from the inside. When his parents moved out of their house, he brought all of his stuff over here and pretty much unpacked it and walked away. I can't touch it, because it's "his stuff." I can do his laundry, but I can't organize his stuff? Pfft.

He brought his computer over, which was what began all of my suspicions. His first girlfriend was his best friend of 7 years. I think they dated for a year or two, and she broke it off rather suddenly roughly four years ago. When he was going through the stuff on his computer, he made quite sure that I didn't see what he was looking at. Of course, this further roused my curiosity, so when he was at work, I took a peek. (I know, I know -- I'm nosy.)

I found at least 20 - 30 pictures of the girlfriend, some of them nude. There were little love notes, and I got a weird feeling from looking at the pictures. There were actually pictures of him, which is a huge thing -- he refuses to take any pictures with me. There was a picture of them kissing, and while I do respect the fact that she was a big part of his life, I still felt peculiar. The more I looked into it, I realized more. He wears a ring that he never, ever takes off, even though it turns his finger green. I am not allowed to touch it or wear it, and he freaks out if I touch it -- turns out, she gave it to him. He has a mirror that she decorated and gave to him for Valentine's day, but he won't tell me who it's from (even though it says "Love Danielle" on the back). I was listening to a CD of Imogen Heap (pop artist) that he got for me while I was falling asleep, and he turned it off, saying that it reminded him of painful memories and it wasn't a good CD to fall asleep listening to. He refuses to tell me about Danielle (the chick), saying that it's too painful for him to think about, and that he tells me it's none of my business because he doesn't want to think about it. He won't even add me to his Myspace because there's a picture of the two of them on there, and from what I've gathered, he has her on there as a friend. God forbid she should see that he has a girlfriend. *eyeroll*

I'm tired of guessing and wondering, and I'm ready to give him the boot. Am I being overly critical? He's an unusual sort. He's not the type to share his feelings, which is frustrating, and he refuses to tell me that he loves me. He claims that just because he doesn't say it doesn't mean that he doesn't mean it, but I don't see what the big deal is. I have no idea how to approach him about this, and it's extremely frustrating.

Any input is greatly appreciated. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 12:59pm

Not only did you two move in together way too soon, but he's just awful boyfriend material.

Yes he's hung up on his ex.

The fact that he can't show emotions very well attests to that, and to the fact that it probably played in a part in their breakup.

If you were willing to go through his computer then you should be willing to break up with him when you find what you're looking for.

Hopefully you learn from this situation and move in with a man who deserves you only after knowing him long enough to truly understand him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-06-2008 - 1:52pm

Welcome to the board perdita82,


I agree with eggbertshootsfire, he's still hung up on his ex. He's also keeping things from you, has way too much baggage, isn't acting in a helpful loving way about all other aspects of living together.


How to you approach him, by telling him that the relationship isn't working for you and he needs to move out.


Reading material:


Do Not Talk To, Touch, Marry, or Otherwise Fiddle with Frogs by Nailah Shami


Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis


Because from where I sit, this guy is a frog and not boyfriend material.