Hurt and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Hurt and Confused
8
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 4:56am

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. Until just recently, things were going well. The past few months haven't been all that great. Several weeks ago, I had some issues that I wanted to discuss with him, and it took several days for him to agree to speak to me about these things. He is incredibly busy with owning his own business and working several other jobs, but he reluctantly agreed to speak to me stating that he doesn't like conflict and it was uncomfortable for him to be doing that. After that first serious talk, things seemed to be fine for a few weeks, but we ran into a few problems with communication just recently. From there everything has snowballed. He has most recently told me that he isn't in a hurry to get into a deep relationship, wants us to slow things down, and hasn't had a lot of time to himself lately. I asked for clarification on what he means by a "deep" relationship and slow things down, but I have yet to hear back from him.

I am just really confused and hurt right now, and I don't know what to think. I plan to give him sometime to think things through and go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 7:00am

After a year with someone, most people have a pretty good idea of where the relationship might be going even if you're not planning marriage yet. This guy sounds like he's having a fun time with you, but what he wants is not a real relationship. A real relationship is talking about issues that concern you or are important to you, making plans for the future, and knowing where you stand with one another.

Of course things will go very well with someone when they avoid talking about anything serious. Being unable to have serious discussions with someone after dating them for a year says a lot.

It's up to you now to decide whether or not you're content to be with someone who doesn't want to think about the future with you or have a serious talk about where things are going. To me he doesn't sound like a real winner, and sometimes being a workaholic has this effect on relationships.

I don't think he's someone who wants to make you a priority in his life, if this is the way he is treating you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 2:43pm

He did make me a priority in his life until just a month or so ago when he became overwhelmed with work and its demands. I think that he isn't able to handle it all, but isn't going to tell me that exactly to save face.

He had spoken of marriage and children and talked about future plans so it seemed like I was a part of those plans for the future. We have plans for December and next summer, and spoke about next year and the years after that. There was nothing to indicate that he didn't see a future for us and I felt the same way. I guess I just don't understand how things could change so quickly.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-10-2007 - 5:24pm

It sounds as though this guy cannot handle a committed relationship, where issues are discussed and handled. Seems like he wants things to be more casual, more on the surface. He's backing away, probably feeling a bit suffocated right now. That's why he wants time to himself. After a year things should be moving forward, with deeper feelings and bonding. This relationship is going in the opposite direction. If I were you, I'd let him go. He doesn't sound like good relationship material. Believe him when he tells you that he's not ready for a deep relationship.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 6:44pm

'I just don't understand how things could change so quickly.'

Because his work lilfe changed so quickly. He has changed his mind about the relationship and his priorities.

Now you need to decide if you can handle being lower on the totum pole and seeing him less often

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 11:56pm
Due to his work schedule and mine and the fact that we lived over an hour apart, we were only seeing each other on the weekends and occasionally during the week, and I was fine with that. I have my own life and interests outside of him so it worked out well. He made the decision to move closer to me because he desired that we see each other more often. Since he has moved, we were seeing each other more often all at his request. I never once indicated that I wanted or needed to see him more. I knew that he was very busy with work, and I was content with things the way that they were. I believe that the move has made him reassess his priorities so only time will tell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 12:58am
Do you love him? Ask yourself that. What is your heart telling you to do. My mother always told me follow your heart. Your answer lies within yourself others can give advice but only you know what you truly want. And if he loves you like he say he does then he'll come around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2003
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 9:20pm
Thanks for your response. I am trying to listen to my heart and head which sometimes conflict! :) I am more at peace with things right now, and I believe that if it is meant to be it will, and if it isn't it will not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 10:47pm
Your very welcome....I see I've encountered someone with an open mind and heart. Because I'm trying to do the same thing in my situation but its hard because his mother, his ex and his baby mama is bringing drama to our relationship and then he just got put in jail for evading arrest. So Everyone says I should leave but I think we really need to talk and have him understand where exactly I'm coming from.