Hurt and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Hurt and Confused
3
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 8:47pm
Am I nuts? My man and I have been together 5 1/2 years. We really enjoy each other's company, we never fight and talk easily about everything. I can truly be myself with him. We lived together for 3 years until last March. He had been unable to contribute financially due to old debts and was so overwhelmed that he wouldn't do anything to fix it. I was hoping that asking him to move out would be a wake up call. We didn't break up, but we did separate while he has been slowly working out his issues, another one being afraid of a lifetime commitment. A few weeks ago, as we began talking about reuniting under one roof again, I found out he had been soliciting singles sites searching for a "sensitive, beautiful and very sexual lover", before we had even separated. When confronted, he said he was just fantasizing and that he would never try to meet with anyone. Well, the next day I deciphered one e-mail sent in Spanish that proved he did try to meet. When confronted AGAIN, he admitted to meeting someone once just to talk spanish. Obviously, he is not responsible financially, obviously he doesn't want to commit, and obviously I can't trust him. So, my questions is, what is my problem? I know I deserve better, and should end this relationship, but when I see him, I just can't. So, right now we're "friends in limbo" while he patiently waits for my final answer. He wants to forgive and forget and finally make the commitment I had been waiting for, but I'm not sure I want it now.

Edited 9/20/2004 9:30 pm ET ET by aurora243


Edited 9/20/2004 9:56 pm ET ET by aurora243

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 2:36pm
So you know the facts, but you can't act on them. What keeps you in this space? Hoping for a miracle? Hoping he will change and/or step up to the plate and be the man you want him to be? Facing the truth makes us look at ourselves and our motives/intentions/wants and desires. Think about what keeps you there.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:07pm
Thanks for your response. You are absolutely right. I need to figure out what I want before I can deal with this the right way. Haven't quite figure that one out, but I do know I do not want to be with someone who is dishonest, so I guess, there's my answer in a nutshell. Honesty and trust have always been the most important values in a person for me. I shouldn't disregard that for anyone. It wouldn't do either of us any good. I should thank my lucky stars he did have a problem with commitment and we weren't married! And I need to take a long, hard look at myself and why I stayed so long and didn't see all those little red flags waving at me. Any advice on that? Or on how to let him down easily? As angry and hurt as I am, we did spend 5 years together, and I don't want to end this badly if I can help it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:04pm
I'd stick to the facts... our values and expectations are different in a relationship and one of us would be hurt or continue to be hurt if we continued the relationship. I wish you all the best.


Carrie