Hurt and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Hurt and Confused
2
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 12:36pm
I am totally confused! I had been dating this guy since Aug '03. Our relationship was wonderful in the beginning. To give you a little bit of history first, he and I are both divorced with kids (myself once with 2 kids, him twice with 1 child). Anyhow, we met through his job and our business discussions turned to just friendly chitchat. A few weeks later we started dating.

Ok, back to my delima, during December my kids went and stayed with my parents for their Christmas break. While they were gone, my b/f and I spent every moment together when we were not working. When it was time to go and pick up the kids, I invited him along. He agreed with no hesitations. This was however the first time he ever met my folks. After coming back home, things changed drastically. He stopped inviting my over to spend Saturday nights with him, and the number of phone calls I receive from him deminished. Finally after a few weeks, I told him that we needed to talk because I felt he was becoming very distant. During our discussion, he informed me that he felt like we should be farther along in our relationship then we were, and that he only dated his 2 ex's for 6 months before marrying them. He also told me that the love his felt for me was not as strong as it had once been and that he no longer saw us as b/f g/f!

I asked him if he felt like I was being too forceful or smothering him, and if I had given him reason to think that I was wanting more from the relationship. He told me no and kept insisting that it was him and that I did nothing wrong, but just kept blaming himself. He could not give me an explanation of his feelings and why he did feel this way.

So here we are 2 months later! We have not been out on a "date" since December (apart from having lunch once and having coffee a few times) and have not been intimate since New Years. He still calls me but it comes in spells. Some days he will call me 5 times and day and the next day I will not hear from him but once or not at all. We seem to maintain a very close friendship. Then last week while having coffee I informed him that I am still very much in love with him and that if he does not have any intentions of us returning to our romantic relationship, I want to know, so that I can put those feelings aside and begin the healing process. He gave me no answer and just sat there.

Then later in the week someone came into my work and told me that some lady told him that she was dating my guy. He couldn't remember who she was! When I asked my guy about this he said that the other guy was lying and that he has not been seeing anyone since he was with me. I want to believe my guy but at the same time he has been acting strange.

I just can't imagine that he would be seeing someone else and not tell me because he knows that my ex-husband cheated on me (he hates my ex and talks bad about him all the time. And if all he wants is a friendship, why can't he just come out and tell me.

One of my friends is married to one of his friends and they have known him for a long time and she thinks it is just that he is scared and that he pulls away. And another one of my friends told me that he dated one of her friends in the past, and that he treated her really good, but I have never really seen that side of him. He's not abusive, he just says things to me that hurt my feelings, and he then says he was just joking.

Also, he is really good with my kids and they love him to death! I just don't want to see them get hurt again like they did when their daddy left.

Is it just that he is scared of getting too serious and that he is running away, or is he manipulating and pulling the wool over my eyes. Any advise would be helpful cause right now I don't know if I should just stick with him and hope that he get over whatever issues he has, or move on with my life cause right now this is tearing me apart.

Thanks for listening,

Heather

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: csigurl
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 12:43pm

I think focusing on WHY he's acting this way is unproductive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
In reply to: csigurl
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:29pm
Thanks for you input! I spent today trying to keep myself busy in order not to dwell on any of the questions I have been asking myself, and to watch each minute pass waiting for him to call me (which he has not done today). But the few times the I did think about it, I have almost talked myself into just that, moving on with my life, and if he does call, telling him that when he is ready to basically grow up, to call me.

Thanks again!

:)

Heather