Hurt and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Hurt and Confused
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:55am
I "met" someone online here at ivillage a month ago. We talk almost every day online, on the phone, or sometimes both and usually for hours. Within a couple weeks we both realized that we really wanted to take the relationship offline and considered ourselves "dating". We baught plane tickets - I'm going to his house and will be meeting his entire family at his sister's wedding, then we are flying to my house so he can meet my family. We both feel this very strong connection with each other. We are both divorced. We have dated other online and offline people in the past, but this feels different to us both. I am in love with him, and he says he is in love with me.

Yesterday he told me he posted to another board letting everyone know how happy he is, how excited he is about the trip, and how happy his family is for him. I went and looked at the post, and it is very sweet. However, I click on more, and saw he had posted several other times within the last few weeks as well. Curiosity getting the best of me, I looked at his posts. I found one that broke my heart. He spent the night with another woman. Classified it as the best 8 hours of his life. Timing being what it is, he came online and messaged me. I told him I was reading the post about the other woman. He confessed.

He appologized over and over for betraying my trust. He said he told her he could never be with her again and that he told her about me (she works with him). He begged me to forgive him, said he loves me and wants to marry me and will never forgive himself for doing this. He was at his mother's during the conversation, and she came into the room and asked why he was so upset, and he told her what he had done. I could hear her tell him he was an idiot, but that if it was meant to be, we'd work it out.

I don't know what to do. I can easily picture us together. I love him. My kids like him. But my heart aches. The tickets are non-refundable, and I'm not sure I would cancel them if I could. I don't want to do anything rash. He knew that I have serious trust issues anyway since my ex used to betray me and lie over and over. I know he's not my ex, and that even though we say we love each other, we haven't even met face-to-face yet. But I'm so confused about whether I should trust him again.

What do you think?


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:46pm
I think you should go with your gut feeling. Don't think with your head or your heart; think with your gut. You know that deep-down feeling at the bottom of your stomach? Listen to that. Your intuition is a powerful thing and I've learned that when your gut tells you that something is wrong, you should listen to it and run.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:54pm
Did I understand you correctly that you only "met" a month ago? Have you actually met him in person yet, or will the wedding be the first time? Just seems like a lot of emotion and "love you's" flying around, kids loving him etc, if you've never actually met and it's only been a month. Regardless, go with the facts. He's been lying to you for a month about his feelings, he's already cheated on you, according to what you say. Non-refundable tickets is hardly a reason to further involve yourself with an "idiot". I wouldn't waste your time or emotions any longer on this guy. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:56pm
First, I truly believe that you can not be in love or be ready to marry anyone that you haven't met and who you haven't known for very long. Nonverbal communication is a large factor is how we communicate to each other. You don't live day to day with him. You don't know his habits, his real life personality and you haven't had time to see him interact with his family, your friends, or with YOU. There is so much you do not know about him. This romance was filling a void for both of you and as impulsive as it was, it makes sense that he made another impulsive move. It doesn't surpise me that he did this.

Find out what that void is within you and try to meet someone who lives close. Do you have friends and family near you? Are you happy with work, school ,etc?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:57pm
You don't even know this guy. You may "know" him from what he TELLS you about himself online, but come on, in all probability, how honest was he being? OF COURSE he made himself sound good over the Internet waves. OF COURSE he seems perfect--most men that are absent are. LOL

The truth of the matter is, you don't know anything about him for sure, EXCEPT that he betrayed your trust.

Don't go. Let him go. Find someone worthy of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:16pm

Whether or not the guy had cheated, um...

How is it possible for you to "love" someone you've only been communicating with for a month, and whom you have never met?

I echo the sentiments of the other posters. And, as someone who met her husband online, I sympathize with your desire to find a mate that is worthy of your affections.

In addition to the problem of you loving someone that you've never met, this person you "love" is cheating on you, if "cheating" is the appropriate term here. He's certainly been dishonest.

If the tix are non-refundable and they're to a cool place, go, get a hotel room, and have fun BY YOURSELF.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:43pm
I can't think of anything more "rash" than what you've already done here with this guy. I think you should definitely not decide that someone is "the one" and that you're in love with him after only knowing him a month. That's one of the hugest mistakes you can make in picking a partner. Way too often you'll be in for some nasty surprises down the road that way. Just like you were yesterday. It's usually the most screwed up, desparate people in this world who do these whirlwind courtships. Abusive men are notorious for them. It's one of the biggest signs of abusers. They turn on the charm, which is a skill, and they rush everything and you're caught up in a bad situation before you know what happened. That's how so many women who say "I thought it would never happen to me" get caught up in abusive relationships - by falling for these whirlwind courtships. It's very dangerous to do this. You can't know who people are in a month's time, and there are a lot of screwed up people out there looking for relationships and they're desparate and rush people in with them before the people know them for a reason. I'd have to wonder why a person was so desparate and unhealthy that they'd be talking love and marriage when they barely knew me. I wouldn't gamble my own life, nor would I gamble my kid's lives, hoping that this guy turns out to be okay. The odds aren't good that he will. You can't possibly know a person in a month's time, especially on the phone and online, enough to know his character, which is the most important thing you have to know about a person because it will determine the quality of your life. I used to meet people and think I was "in love" almost immediately, until I got burned and learned that many of the most charming people in our society are the most selfish, deceitful, screwed up people around. I'm not alone either, this happens to tons of people who don't take the time to get to know a person and hone in on one and decide they're in love before they even really know him. Now, when I date, I would never, ever make a decision like that about a person for a very long time. It's a trial period to see if someone's right for me or not and see who he is inside. I don't want to be like those people who date someone for just a few months and invests a lot in it to the point that if he starts showing that he's a nasty, sneaky, selfish person who treats them poorly, lies or cheats or whatever, that they're so sure they're in love and he's "the one" that they waste months or even years of their lives trying to change him back into what they thought he was in the first few weeks or months of dating - that time when people are busy trying to impress and show only their good sides so you don't really know them well. It was never even the real, or at least all of him, in the first place. I think that conversations that happen after only a mere month of knowing someone that include the words "I love you and want to marry you" is nuts and is foolish. And even more nuts if it already includes words like "please forgive me for lying to you". And to be this invested in someone you haven't even met face-to-face???? I can tell you're a smart person, but honestly, the way you're dating is not smart at all and is going to get you and your kids in deep trouble. I don't think you know this guy well enough to know whether he's trustworthy or not in the first place. He certainly doesn't seem to be since he's apparently already told you a big whopper. Whatever you do, for your sake and for your kids', try to slow down and don't make huge decisions like whether you "love" someone or not based on a fantasy image of someone that you haven't taken the time to know or even met and who you can't possibly know deeply for at least 6 months to a year and probably longer. Deciding you're in love or that someone is "the one" almost immediately is best left behind in your teenage years if you want to live a life based on solid, smart decisions that leaves little room for major disasters of our own making.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 1:58pm
The problem is you're putting all these hopes and expectations on someone who is a total stranger other than typing and talking - you can't know someone as far as romantic compatibility until you meet them in person - all those things that don't come across on line - his way of interacting, energy (negative/positive) vibes, tone, presence, mannerisms - and yes, chemistry. You both have been carrying on this fantasy and obviously he wanted you to read those posts - just learn from this experience. also a first meeting should be coffee or lunch or a drink - not a weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 2:02pm
And not a wedding! ;)