hurt and confused, need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2003
hurt and confused, need advice
3
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:39am
OK I'm in some serious need of advice here. If someone can please help.....Its kinda embarrassing but oh well, so is my spelling :)

I have been with my b/f about a month and a half now. We started dating in about nov. of last year but just recently became "a couple" (we both had come out of long and bad relationships when we met so we decided to take it slow) At the beginning everything was great we had the whole happy and madly in love thing happening that youre supposed to at the beginning of a new relationship. And things were especially great in the bedroom.

But lately he has been pushing me away when it comes to making love. But only that,he still wants to cuddle and hold my hand and kiss and when he sees me he gives me a hug and all that but well to put it bluntly he wont put out. I have approached the subject with him but he says it's just he way he is. "He is not into it." (his words) He likes it but it just isn't something that he wants. I told him that to me it's important in a relationship and it's someting I like and well... need. It also makes me feel bad when he turns me down when i try and make a move. it makes me feel like Im not attractive to him and it hurts. I told him this and he says it's not me. He says I am incredibly sexy and he loves "being' with me he just can't get into sex that much. he told me not to take it personal its just the way he is and I asked him if we could work on it, because its important to me. He got upset and basically said hes not in this relationship to get laid and that if that's all I want..... That is not why Im with him I really care about him, If I wanted to "just get laid" as he puts it, there are plenty of guys out there like that (no offense to the male population but there are) I just don't understand, at the beginning he was totally into it and thought it was great, but then all of a sudden it just stopped and he says its because he feels more comfortable with me and he can be him self and he was just trying to keep up before. It's not the fact that Im not "getting some" that bothers me it's the way things are now that were not being "intimate"(for lack of a polite word lol) it feels like when youre with someone for a long time and things start to get comfortable and you stop being well ummm like rabbits... almost like youre bored but its still a new relationship, we shouldnt be acting like an old married couple. I dont know what to do about this am I over reacting? Or is there something wrong with me? Is it wrong to feel this way? I just think it's important to be attractive to each other and I dont feel that with him anymore. At the beginning he made me feel like a goddess and now I feel like hes lost interest or something. He has mentioned a few times (but as a joke) that he thinks I only want him for sex and I think it's cuz he told me he's starting to fall in love with me and I told him I'm not ready to get that serious again right away and I think he took it the wrong way. I just meant Im not ready to say I Love You yet. (I just came out of four year realtionship with someone I was engaged to who slept with my best friend) Is he purposely holding out on this aspect to see if that's really all im in it for? I did consider breaking up with him(only for a split second) but only because it hurts that he doesnt seem willing to work on something I feel is a problem in our relationship. It only happens when he wants it (which is almot never and Im not exaggerating) but not when i want it and i dont think its fair his you get what i give you attitude!!!! And now hes telling me he doesnt want to rush into anything, thats why him and his ex didnt work out cuz they rushed everything and he doesnt want everything to turn to sh*t with me and now im even more comfused cuz last week he was in love with me and now he wants to take things slow... well its a little late! This wouldnt be an issue if he had decided he wanted to take things slow BEFORE he said im in love with you and BEFORE he slept with me but now im confused and hurt.

Sorry this is so long but if someone can please give me some advice on how to take this, what it means and if Im overreacting on this topic? I really want this to work but I feel helpless, like its falling apart already :(

Oh I dont know if this is relevant but he is 25 and im 21

Thank you so much for your time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 1:30am
well, dearie, if he's not into it after a month or so just imagine what it'll be like if you hang around for months or years.

unless his urge increases, that's the way he is.

kinda early for that type of thing....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:09am

i agree with the other poster - obviously this is a problem that HE has. why won't you just take his word for it? for whatever reason (physical, emotional, whatever) he is not into sex. if you are not happy with the relationship NOW - then leave. don't make this into YOUR problem, because it isn't. if you stay in the relationship any longer - it WILL become your problem, and you STILL won't be able to do anything about it.


and you know something - I bet its not *just* the lack of sex that's bothering you. I bet (and I could be wrong) that he is trying to control other aspects of your relationship. and i also guess that he is somewhat "cheap" - in his money, in his affection, in his caring. and possibly he suffers from some form of anxiety? am i right? I am now getting out of a terrible 7 year marriage that had NO sex, NO love, NO affection, NO passion - my STBX had full control over everything, incl money. whenever I tried to talk about the sexual issue - he blamed me, I was too fat, or too demanding, or not nice enuf, etc. and THAT attitude carried over into every aspect of our lives.


if you were just getting out of a bad relationship - the smart thing to do is NOT to start a new relationship while taking things slowly ---- but to try first to understand what went wrong in your previous relationship, why it was bad, and what your role was in it. when you understand what went wrong, and you understand what YOU want, and you start becoming a healthy adult - you will see that you will find more healthy adults to be with. i am 43 - and after 2 failed marriages - and I wish that i had gotten this advice when i was in my 20s - would've saved myself alot of heartache...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 6:04am
I just got out of a relationship with a man who was completely impotent when I met him. Through therapy and my heavy heavy investment into the relationship he started to function normally again. But yet his sex drive was not that great.

I was very careful about not bringing it up too often or trying to hurt him about it. We just kept on working and working on getting his sex drive to where it should be for a man his age.

The whole time I was quiet and kept brewing on the inside. I was afraid I would have to break up with him. I loved him and I did not want to leave him. So I kept trying to help and hoping for the best.

My ex had other problems as well. He had anger problems and he had emotional attachment problems. He was afraid of getting married and having children.

Finally he broke it off with me.

The bottom line is. Sex is such a small amount of time that we spend together but it is really really important. It not only is important because it fullfills us and makes us feel attractive as you point out. It also helps our relationship get deeper and deeper emotionally. And its great for your skin and your pyschiatric health. But the bottom line is that both partners have to be satisfied with thier sex life.

Its natural that after a long relationship for the sex drive to go down. For both people. I had a six year relationship once which started off with 5 times a day and ended with twice a week. But both of us were ok with that. It was a natural progression.

This isn't a natural progression. One month and then he loses interest. And you keep sweeping it under the carpet or talking about it so that he will accuse you of wanting sex etc... This is not going in a good direction and you know it. Stop it before you hate each other.

I can't begin to explain to you how awful I feel after investing half a year (at my age of 36) into someone who just did not want to help himself get out of a psychiatric problem.

Take care and good luck