Hurt and Upset Cry

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2013
Hurt and Upset Cry
Sun, 09-22-2013 - 5:21am


I am new to this so please bare with me!

I have been married for 17yrs...I do love my husband to the end BUT...I cannot talk to my sister as she will go off the deep end and think real bad of him and thats the last thing I want to happen.

Sorry if I rant but need advise.

My mother died in March this year...this has taken a real toll on me. I miss her so so much. Any how this is where the problem lies I think. She has left me very well off. Yes I know I am lucky but I would do anything to have my mum back. Cry

My husband has seen this as a red light to spend. All I get is I want I need. I have said no. He makes me feel incredably guilty. I have let him upgrade his pc and buy other litlle bits but it keeps going...I try to explain this was my mum's money. Both my parents worked hard to leave this to us and not to be blown in 5 seconds. By the way he does ask 1st then shakes his rattle about when I say no.

The funds have gone into our joint account, as I have no where else for it to go as in 2010 we were mad bankrupt, so opening another account is a no no. (we are discharged)

I am going to buy myself some hearing aids and have had my eyes tested and bought decent glasses which I have done the same for him indoors (ommiting the aids) (My parents would approve of this)

I want to buy some furniture for OUR home. He said it was ok for me to buy this but not for him to have headphone ampts. Bit of difference if you ask me. The bits I want are for us not for me.

God I feel so miserable and they say money makes you happy ha ha ha.

Sorry rant over!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Tue, 09-24-2013 - 8:34am

This reminds me of those stories of the lottery millionaires who went broke (extreme comparison, I know).  These people were poor with money management prior to their big win, and since nothing changed after they won, the well ran dry.  I am assuming you want this money to last?  If so, then you need a plan how to make it last for as long as possible.  You mention bankruptcy in your post, but not how to you got to that point.  Do you or your husband work?  Are you retired and collecting any sort of income?  It sounded like you need some things for your health (hearing aids, glasses) so I am assuming you don't have a lot of money for even those basic necessities.  It does sound like you could use a third party to mediate how this money should be spent and more importantly, how to get it to grow.  My husband and I met with my FIL and an attorney a couple of weeks ago because my husband is executor of his estate.  My FIL wanted me to be involved but I said outright that any inheritence is my husband's (and his sister and brother's) and I don't have anything to do with it.  I don't expect anything from my parents, nor anyone else.  What I want I buy with my money, I have investments, a 401K as well as a pension that I can expect when I retire.  All of this is hard work to plan for, and while there are no guarantees in life that I will live to enjoy the fruits of my labor, the alternative of living to old age without the means to live comfortably is not an option for me. 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 09-23-2013 - 7:41pm

Get some professional advice ASAP.  I don't see how your DH could object to professional advice.  I don't know if you are talking 4, 5, 6 figures or into the millions, but regardless, you need a plan. 

I know op are talking about being yours, but I do think that in a marriage, communicating a common plan and goal is important.  I mean, if my DH got an inheritance, I would not take it upon myself to go on a shopping spree, but I would hope that his plans for it would include me to some degree. 

At a minimum, I think you need to agree to allow each of you an allowance of splurge money, no questions asked!  And agree that the rest will be mutually agreed upon and that you will see a financial advisor before making any more decisions.  This takes the heat off of YOU, and puts it on a professional. 

Just my two cents. 

Serenity - CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 09-22-2013 - 3:24pm

The first thing to remember is that it is YOUR money. Left to YOU, by YOUR parent. Yes you are a couple but that does not automatically make everything that is yours also belong to your husband. The exception would be if he previously received an equal inheritance and shared it completely with you. If not, then he has no claims on this money. If you decide to spend some of it on him then its his lucky day.

It is not too late to consult with a financial planner. S/he would probably know how you can put money into savings even with the past bankruptcy. Personally, I would suggest putting some of it aside for your old age--I'm guessing that with the bankruptcy you do not have retirement savings?

Obviously I don't know what led to your financial problems but if it was due to overspending or poor money management then possibly both of you could benefit from financial counseling---how to not make the same mistakes again. It sounds like your dh has some difficulty with control and money.

Another idea is to settle an amount of money on your dh. That way he can buy himself headphones or whatever he wants, he doesn't have to ask you. But when his portion is gone, its gone, so make sure he understands that.

The reality is that everybody, rich or poor, has to make choices with how they spend their money. When you make good choices then money can make you happy, or least give you some security.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 09-22-2013 - 1:23pm

Even though he is your husband, the money was left to YOU. And you need to do what you feel is right with it. How you feel is important. And once he starts buying things it can become addicting and he will probably want more and more stuff. But it sounds like you feel you really need to use that money in a way that would honor your mums memory and you need to have a good talk with your husbnd about how you feel. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2013
Sun, 09-22-2013 - 1:22pm

To be honest I did not know what i was getting so there was no forward planning. Was a complete shock!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 09-22-2013 - 11:01am

You should have consulted the attorney or financial advisor who handled your mother's estate how to protect your inheritance.  A few things come to mind - you can always buy US Savings Bonds with your money and have them tied up for at least a couple years, and/or sit down with your husband and set up a budget as to what goes into long-term savings, things for the house, and a small amount of "blow money" where each of you are free to spend as you wish without consulting each other.

Having money is a always a good thing.  The problem you are experiencing is not a result of money, but lack of planning.