A hurt friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
A hurt friendship?
18
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:10am
I'm so confused, I'm hoping I can hear other people's input about my situation. My best friend went out to the bar a few nights ago with another friend of ours, I didn't go because I was out with my boyfriend. Well, my ex boyfriend (we went out for 4 years and I am very sensitive when it comes to him, as him with me) DJ's at the bar they went to and to make a long story fairly short, she ended up getting really drunk because people were buying her drinks, my ex being one of them... Her and my ex ended up flirting and even kissed quick. After the kiss, she became very upset and told him that it wasn't right because it wouldn't be fair to me. She told him that our friendship (her and I) meant a lot to her and she didn't want to hurt me and didn't want to lost me as a friend. My ex responded with "Well, she's got a fiance, it shouldn't bother her, and if it does, that means she is not over me." It's been 2 1/2 years since my ex and I have been broken up and I've been with my fiance now for about the same amount of time. I'm over my ex, however I will always have a special spot for him in my heart, I do not ever want to be in a romantic relationship with him again. I am happy with the man I'm with now. My best friend and I have had conversations about our exes, and we've both told each other that it would bother me if she flirted with my ex and it would bother her if I were to flirt with her ex and we've both said that it is disrespecful to flirt with each other's past boyfriends because it's just not right. My ex Gary knows that Sue is my best friend and her and I go to that club every Thursday night to go dancing. Gary tried very hard to charm her and he kept asking her to give him a chance and he really laid it on thick, but Sue continued to say no and that it was right. She went on about how I meant so much to her and she just couldn't hurt me that way and how it would be awkward and just not right. I'm glad she did that but I can't help but feel hurt that Sue even flirted with him. She admitted to me that she flirted heavily with him and said sorry and said she felt very bad about it. I know that I should be thankful that nothing more happened and that she said no to him, but I just feel hurt that she smacked his butt and was dirty dancing with him. I feel betrayed. But some of my other friends told me that I shouldn't feel that way, and that I should commend her for being a loyal friend. I'm confused. As for Gary, him and I are on good terms. However, he had a very difficult time getting over me and I often wonder if he REALLY is over me... I don't know if this was an attempt to hurt me, or if he just felt like getting laid, or if it's his way of trying to still be close to me, by trying to go out with one of my friends. It angers me that he tried to get with her knowing that she is my friend, I would never go for one of his friends because it's just disrespectful. What do you think about all this?? I will appcriate any advice/thoughts given!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:27am
Grow up. You've got a fiance - and your friend said no - the fact that she danced and had a bit of a flirt - so what? Maybe YOU aren't over him? Otherwise this shouldn't bother you nearly as much as it sounds like it does.

I know that I wouldn't give a rats arse who my ex-husband got with, friend or whatever - I'd pity the poor person, but I certainly wouldn't feel betrayed.

Sorry, but I think this is really a case of you not having enough going on with your life that something as silly as this should cause you to feel so betrayed. JMHO.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:05pm
Wow, that was really rude! I come on this board for support, not someone to tear me down. Grow up???? What kind of response was that? I feel very insulted by that post, I would never respond to someone's post like that. That's just awful. I hope you all aren't like that, I always respond to people's post very nicely. People come on this board for support and advice, not to be insulted and torn down.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:26pm
Here are my thoughts on this:

I can totally understand you not wanting your friend to get involved with your ex, esspecially since you and she have talked about it and both feel the same way. I think it is unfortunate that she flirted with the man, but when push came to shove, she was loyal to you - even through her drunken haze. She knows she made a mistake in flirting and kissing the man, she came clean to you and appologized. I think you should accept her appology and move on with things. I'm sure your friendship is strong enough to withstand this bump in the road. I also think that your friend may want to reconsider whether getting drunk is really a good idea, esspecially in a club. Obviously she does things she later regrets and it might be a good idea to drink in moderation from now on.

As far as the ex is concerned, who knows why he did what he did. He may still be hung up on you or he may have just wanted to get laid. Who knows? Who really cares? You have moved on with your life and that is really all that matters. What he does in his life is his business.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:39pm
Wow, I think I'm with Peebles on this one. After 2 1/2 years it shouldn't matter. And I too wonder if you are truly over him.

Sorry for your pain. I hope you figure out how you feel. At least she was honest enough to tell you what happen, though blaming her behavior on drinking is not good. Tells me that she likes the way he flirts with her and if you were *ok* with it she might even go for it.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 3:31pm
I haven't read the other replies so excuse me if I repeat the same thing. In my opinion, after you break up with someone you no longer have any claim on them. You can't take that person out of the dating pool for your friends. Granted, when the break-up is still fresh, and when you were the one dumped, and when you haven't found someone else it would be cruel if your friend went after your ex. But that's not the case here. It's been 2 and a half YEARS and you are ENGAGED to marry someone else.

You don't own your ex, nor should you dictate who he or your best friend can date, flirt with, or anything else. I have heard so many people say you shouldn't date your friend's exes, your co-workers, your neighbors, yada, yada, yada. Sure, you have to tread cautiously with exes and co-workers, but it's hard enough to find a relationship and when you put so many restrictions on who people can or can't date where do people find love? In the personals? People usually find partners in their circle of friends, acquaintennces, and work environment because that's where they spend the majority of their time, and proximity and familiarity are what draw people together.

You need to get over this, and stop trying to control what other people do with each other. Don't you want your friend to be happy and find love as I assume you have? Your friend really didn't do anything wrong. all she did is flirt and kiss your ex - BIG DEAL! In my opinion, she wouldn't be wrong to date him either, but even if both of you think she did do something wrong, she didn't go that far and she has apologised. What else do you need? Do you want to flog her until she screams for forgiveness?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 3:44pm
I'm sorry if I've insulted you, it was a bit like giving you a sharp whack upside the head, as in, come-on! This shouldn't be bothering you. If you've truly moved on, then whatever your ex and your friend do shouldn't bother you - why wouldn't you be thrilled if they DID get together - you don't want him?

If something like this is causing you this kind of upset, it's time to look at why - it strikes me as immature and kind of unfair - YOU are getting married and your friend can't hook up with an ex because you'll be jealous? Of what? Why? Who cares - YOU'VE found the love of your life? What do you think you'd say if you saw your post?

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 5:51pm
I have to agree with pebbles. the first post says it all, GROW UP. Aren't you happy? You should be if you are getting married. if your not then you need to look at your current bf and yourself. if you are, then why does he not have the right to be? I am married, but i have a son with someone else. When I was pregnant he got engaged, I was so over him that i told a friend who asked how i felt about it that " I don't want him in my life anymore, but I hope she can provide what he needs and make him happy. He deserves that much." So you being jealous and controlling says something about you. Are you afraid she may succeed where you failed? too bad. you moved on and so can he. Be happy if they hook up, just cause he wasn't right for you, doesn't mean he would be wrong for her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:40am
Hello, I am recently divorced and am not currently dating anyone but....I have a friend that my ex likes to talk to and flirt with and party with. I know that I shouldn't have feelings about this but I do!!! I know exactly how you are feeling...There is always going to be a special place in your heart no matter what...and then to have a close friend hit on him and vice versa right in front of you or even if you hear things through the grapevine.....that just hits to close to home. It would be so must better to get over him if he would just kinda dissappear from your life and let your heart heal. Not have good friends keep rubbing it in your face!!! That is cruel. Broke up or not...That is not nice! I resent her for that. We had been friends since childhood and now I just can't stand the sight of her...especially when they are together. I think it is totally wrong...she should just get her own life and leave my ex husband of 18 yrs alone. There are alot of memories still there...and she should realize that and respect me. If she is going to be any friend at all. Friends just don't need to do that...It is mean! So I agree with you. 100%...I wouldn't listen to one of those other posts! We do still have feelings...no matter what. We are human. Friends should respect friends too! There! I'll get off my soap box now! Good Luck to you!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:57am


Well, of course you feel betrayed. You and your friend articulated a set of boundaries that you agreed upon, and she violated them.

This has nothing to do with whether or not you "should" be over your ex or have a "right" to feel proprietary. If it weren't your friend doing the flirting, or if you had given your friend the go-ahead, I would say differently. But you and your friend agreed that you would both be uncomfortable if either of you flirted with or dated one of each others' exes. She flagrantly disregarded that.

The fact that she feels badly speaks well of her. Don't punish her too much. Just tell her how you feel and that your feelings are hurt, and forgive her. Remember that even though she violated your "agreement" he ISN'T your current boyfriend.

Saucygirl



iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 5:55am
I don't see why this would be affecting your friendship. It's obvious that you have unresolved feelings regarding the ex- otherwise you wouldn't be thinking that he isn't over you yet just because he wanted to hook up with your friend. I really don't see the correlation, and I think you just want him to have an alternative motive for flirting with your friend. I can understand loyalty between close friends, but your friend did nothing wrong, and your reaction would make much more sense if she had slept with him or started a relationship with him (that might be a lil too close to home), but she didn't- she got drunk and flirted/gave him a quick kiss. I think you need to look deep within yourself to find out the REAL reasons why you are so bothered by this. Perhaps you never gave yourself enough time to get over him....I would hardly call being apart for 2 1/2 years and also being with your fiance for the same amount of time long enough to deal with the ending of a relationship. It's past time to deal with your issues regarding your ex- and it's totally unfair to hold your friend accountable because she didn't do anything.

Pages