A hurt friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
A hurt friendship?
18
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:10am
I'm so confused, I'm hoping I can hear other people's input about my situation. My best friend went out to the bar a few nights ago with another friend of ours, I didn't go because I was out with my boyfriend. Well, my ex boyfriend (we went out for 4 years and I am very sensitive when it comes to him, as him with me) DJ's at the bar they went to and to make a long story fairly short, she ended up getting really drunk because people were buying her drinks, my ex being one of them... Her and my ex ended up flirting and even kissed quick. After the kiss, she became very upset and told him that it wasn't right because it wouldn't be fair to me. She told him that our friendship (her and I) meant a lot to her and she didn't want to hurt me and didn't want to lost me as a friend. My ex responded with "Well, she's got a fiance, it shouldn't bother her, and if it does, that means she is not over me." It's been 2 1/2 years since my ex and I have been broken up and I've been with my fiance now for about the same amount of time. I'm over my ex, however I will always have a special spot for him in my heart, I do not ever want to be in a romantic relationship with him again. I am happy with the man I'm with now. My best friend and I have had conversations about our exes, and we've both told each other that it would bother me if she flirted with my ex and it would bother her if I were to flirt with her ex and we've both said that it is disrespecful to flirt with each other's past boyfriends because it's just not right. My ex Gary knows that Sue is my best friend and her and I go to that club every Thursday night to go dancing. Gary tried very hard to charm her and he kept asking her to give him a chance and he really laid it on thick, but Sue continued to say no and that it was right. She went on about how I meant so much to her and she just couldn't hurt me that way and how it would be awkward and just not right. I'm glad she did that but I can't help but feel hurt that Sue even flirted with him. She admitted to me that she flirted heavily with him and said sorry and said she felt very bad about it. I know that I should be thankful that nothing more happened and that she said no to him, but I just feel hurt that she smacked his butt and was dirty dancing with him. I feel betrayed. But some of my other friends told me that I shouldn't feel that way, and that I should commend her for being a loyal friend. I'm confused. As for Gary, him and I are on good terms. However, he had a very difficult time getting over me and I often wonder if he REALLY is over me... I don't know if this was an attempt to hurt me, or if he just felt like getting laid, or if it's his way of trying to still be close to me, by trying to go out with one of my friends. It angers me that he tried to get with her knowing that she is my friend, I would never go for one of his friends because it's just disrespectful. What do you think about all this?? I will appcriate any advice/thoughts given!

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:01am
I think you are not completely over him. The fact that you think their flirting is about you (he's not over you or he just wants to get laid) says a lot. It could be that he's actually attracted to her, couldn't it?

I have an ex who was the love of my life, the one that got away and we are still friends. If my friend wanted to date him, and him her, I'd say go for it. I'm completely over it and although it might be strange for me, I'd get over it for the sake of their happiness. There was a time where it would've bothered me like crazy. Looking back, it would've been because I still secretly wanted him and would've wondered "what does she have to give him that I don't?" Even if I HADN'T still wanted him, I would have immaturely wanted him to pine for me. It was a selfish immature way of thinking and an immature way of feeding my own ego.

Either way, she feels bad and apologized so I'd just let it go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:46am
Thanks for the advice and the thoughts, I really appreciate all the comments. To let you know though, I am over my ex. He was horrible to me. I would never want to be with him every again. I'm very happy in my current relationship. He was extremely verbally abusive to me and it took me 1 1/2 years of counseling and meds to heal from all the pain he put me through. I have told my best friend all of this, and she had witnessed bruises and cuts on me and knows how awful he was to me. What really hurts me is that by her knowing this, she still went ahead and flirted and kissed him anyway, I was insulted because she knows what he put me through. Her ex boyfriend wasn't exactly nice to her either and knowing that, I don't like him for that because I care deeply for Sue and knowing that someone deeply hurt her, hurts me in a way as well. I would NEVER flirt with her ex, nor what I WANT to just knowing what he put her through. Now do you see why I feel hurt by this? I feel like she just didn't care about all he put me through. Know what I mean? As for my ex, I wouldn't mind seeing ANYONE else go out with him. I'm very much over him. I don't EVER want to be with him again. I am just hurt that Sue did what she did knowing such deep information about the painful relationship we had. I just wanted to clear that up.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 12:26pm
Yes, it is good that you clarified. In your original post, you said that you agreed not to flirt with past boyfriends, and avoid dating HIS friends for that matter, out of respect for eachother. You also said that he holds a special place in your heart. That's very different than not wanting to her around your abusive ex out of concern for HER. You said that she had betrayed YOU. This is very different than your original post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:03pm
So you are more upset with her for her choices because she knows what you went through with him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 2:45pm

I think it is more about the fact that she is "sleeping with the enemy" (without the sleeping), than because she is upset with her for her choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 2:16pm
I have forgiven her and we are going to forget about it. I was just upset that after knowing all the deep information of the relationship between Gary and I, that she went ahead and still did what she did. Why would she be overly friendly with him, knowing that he hurt me in such horrible ways??? That is why I felt betrayed.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 2:17pm
Glad you've forgiven her.


Edited 1/7/2004 2:32:53 PM ET by blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 4:30am
"I will always have a special spot for him in my heart" "knowing that he hurt me in such horrible ways"

Does that make sense to you? Certainly doesn't make any sense to me.

Glad you've resolved things though.

I still say that what your ex and your friend do, shouldn't bother you this long after you've been broken up. I don't buy the abuse story. But that's just me.

Peace - Pebbles

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