Hurting lots.... need advice and such

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Hurting lots.... need advice and such
4
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:05am
I need advice about my bf.... we've been together for 4 years (we're both 19yrs. old....I'm about to turn 20) and we're both in school. We've had a pretty good relationship for the most part with the exception of my parents who can't stand him even though he's a good guy, a Christian, makes good grades, etc. Anyways.... for the past year he's been really difficult. Starting in Oct. of last year he wanted to be able to hang out with this one girl alone and I being the stupid person I am let him. I was so mad and unhappy the entire time though. So we eventually got through that and supposedly never fooled around with her and just hung out with her. Then the other day, while he was outside helping his dad I was hanging in his room waiting. I grabbed his digital camera to see if he had saved some of my old pics I had taken on their for our friend in Iraq and to my horror I found a TON of pics of him with his arms around all these chics he had met while he was on his fam vacation in destin. I was so mad. I wanted to storm out bawling but didn't so I didn't look stupid in front of his folks. His explaination for it was he wanted to enjoy himself and that he didn't do anything and that they meant nothing. He also had the nrve to say "Oh well they wnated to take the pics I didn't" That was the biggest load of BS I had ever heard in my life. I am still pissed at him. We have been togthere for 4 years, he sould know better than to do crap like that. Guys don't do that that are in relationships even though he thinks they do. He has also been lying to me about talking to these certain girls that I don't like because their just not the ppl he needs to be around. I'm not controlling I just don't think it's right for him to do that, I don't know how I am going to be able to trust him....ever. I don't mind him talking to other girls and stuff but not lying to me about it and taking pics of him with a buncha girls in their bikinis. I could REALLY use some encouragement and advice right about now. If anyone could help me out I would appreciate it soooo much. Thanks! =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:44am
It sounds like you were 15 when you started dating this guy. First, let me just say that I've always dated older guys because the ones that were my age just...weren't quite there...on their game, too childlike. Anyway, dating one person since you were 15 isn't the best idea. It doesn't leave much time for you to experience other short/long relationships. You don't know what else is out there, you aren't ready for an adult relationship.

First, he lied to you about talking to these girls, in my experience where theres one lie there are 2 and 3 and so on. Second, what were his exact words when you confronted him about the pictures of girls? You said he said "nothing we did meant anything." That could mean a lot of things. 1. "We just said hello and took a picture" or "we had sex, but since i love her it didn't mean anything" I know it sounds dramatic, and he probably didn't sleep with them, but the guys I dated, when they said nothing they did meant anything, that usually meant they made out but since they "loved" me oh so much it wasn't a big deal. That's BS it is a big deal, meaning something....not meaning something doesn't mean he didn't do anything. I'm not saying he did, but it's possible.

It doesn't sound like he's respecting you and I don't think he's mature enough to realize how shady and stupid he's being. I don't think you are being controlling. I agree with you being uptight about him hanging out with some chick alone. I mean, why did they have to be alone? Why couldn't his friends be there, or you be there?

Take a step back, figure out what you want in a guy. Do you want a guy that disrespects you and treats you like crap but you stay together because YOU are a good girlfriend and love him? or do you want someone who is faithfull, not shady, truthful, respectful and that makes you happy? You deserve love girl!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 3:46pm
Thanks for your advice and help... I've been talking to a lot of people about what happened between my bf and I and they agree that he's not being very mature and all. He told m when he saw the pics like I said "They meant nothing". I honestly have no trust for him right now whatsoever and it really upsets me because I do love him and have dedicated 4 years of my life to him... I even moved out of my parents house to be with him and make him happy. I've been praying about all this and am going to have a long talk with him this weekend when I go home (I'm at college right now). So depending on what he tells me during that and depending on what his best buds tells me (his best bud has become a real friend to me when it comes to dealing with my bf and he always takes my side) and then I shall make a final decision. But I know I deserve someone who is going to respect me and put the same amount of dedication into a relationship as I have ya know. I've cried so much this week about all this but I guess I need to take some action... so like I said I shall talk to him this weekend. Thank you again so much. And I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:49pm
I feel for you. It's very hard to be away at college and wonder what he may or may not be up to. I can tell you, the standard response of 'it doesn't mean anything' doesn't wash with me. He loved their attention, it stroked his ego, made him feel good about himself and he'd probably do it again. I met my first husband when I was 14, we got married when I was 19. It was a very hard relationship to let go of, even when I was in High School, like I thought no one else would want to date me, didn't want to be alone, not to mention my own self-esteem issues. This of the last 4 years as relationship experience. It's helped you define what's important to you, what you want and don't want in a relationship/marriage and you don't have to put up with anything and everything to hold on to a relationship.

He's younger, younger than you emotionally and will want to see what else is out there, and want to experiment with life. You may want to also, but healing will be first on your list if this relationship doesn't work out.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 8:04pm

You two were sooooo young when you started dating. It sounds as if you both need some time apart to see what else it out there. Im not saying that he doesnt care, or that you dont for that matter, but its about making sure you know what the world has to offer and discovering who you are as an individual.


AS for those vacation gurls.......he very may very well have not wanted them, fooled around with them, or been attracted to them. But, the fact that they payed attention to him, was new to him and exciting. You both need to experience this before you will ever be happy being with him the rest of your life.


If you really care, then take some time apart. 10 years from now, ou dont want to be with him, but always wondering what you missed out on because you were tied down.