Husband Addicted to Porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Husband Addicted to Porn
3
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:22pm
I've been married to a great guy for a year and 8 months. We've been together a total of 5 years. Ever since the beginning he has always collected porn magazines, Playboy, Penthouse, and High Society. It never bothered me, I enjoy reading them. The problem started about 3 months ago when we got our computer. He stays on the computer from when he gets off of work till it's time to go to bed. And he's always lookin at porn websites. Now that doesn't really bother me, either. What bothers me is that he knows I know what he looks at and he also knows that I would enjoy lookin at the websites with him, but it's like he is tryin to hide it from me. I am not allowed in the room when he is on and I have to talk to him through the door. I have tried several times to let him know that I want to be with him while he looks at this porn and we can enjoy it together. But everytime he does let me in the room to be on the computer with him he goes to totally different websites, like a website to look at trucks, or hunting gear,etc., so I gave him a hint that I wanted to look at the porn websites that he always looks at without me. And he got really mad and defensive and told me that I was aggravating him and to get out, so I did, and decided to leave him alone since he obviously wants to be alone to look at it. Also the problem is, is that ever since he's been enjoying this porn on the computer without me our sex life has dropped. He never wanted to have sex, it's like he had nothing to do with me. So I started to think that maybe he was masturbating to it (I don't understand why he would because he knows I would happily satisfy any sexual needs he has) Why masturbate to porn when you can have the real thing right there in the other room? Him masturbating to porn doesn't bother me, but it bothers me when he does it, and then doesn't have anything to do with me, not even touch me for 3 months, and I'm a very sexual person. He is the ONLY person I have ever been with sexually, he was my first for everything. And I do not masturbate because it does nothing for me. So I was getting very frustrated. Anyway, I had the feeling he was masturbating but there was no way I can catch him red handed. Because if I just walked in he would get pissed, and he can have a temper. So I figured I won't do that. But 1 night, about a week ago, I went outside with the dog, and happened to notice that there was a crack in the blinds in the window and I can see what he was doing, so I decided to watch him to see if my suspecions were right. And sure enough, I seen him masturbating. I was so mad and hurt. But there was nothing I can do. I can't tell him what I seen because he would get mad and ask what I was watchin him for or why. All I want is to be in the room with him, watch the porn website with him, and when he wants to start masturbating, let me do it for him, I'll enjoy it and it would make things a lot better, at least I'll be a part of his life again and it would spice things up. But everytime I try to bring it up he gets mad, and I feel hurt. So I just leave it alone and keep everything bottled up. But I am so frustrated, I don't feel like his wife anymore all I do is cook and clean the house then watch t.v. alone then go to bed. He doesn't talk to me until he wants something to eat or something to be cleaned. It's like that's all he needs me for. All he does is get home from work, lock himself in the computer room, goes to bed at 10, just tells me good night and rolls over to go to sleep. What can I do to get my husband back?, or at least join him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:21pm
I can understand why you are upset. Have you told him that you want to be in there so that you can help him out? I have a totally different look on it. I have caught my bf masturbating before and it really didn't upset me but at the same time, our sex life is wonderful and has never changed because he masturbates. Men think about things like that so differently that I don't know what to say. I think that you should tell him that his nights with the computer are really putting stress on your sex life and you want to feel close to him again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 10:43am
My husband has looked at porn too. It used to bother me more before but now I've accepted that he looks at pictures. As long as it stops at that. I don't want a webcam because I don't trust him not to do something one on one with someone. I have another problem to deal with which you posted a reply-his email friendship with another woman that he's lying about. I know how it feels to get shut out. Whenever I try to get him to admit it he goes ballistic. I'd rather my husband look at pictures of different women that come and go than form an emotional attachment to the same person every day. The fact that he's shutting you out reminds me of my husband when we first had our computer. Alot of men would love to have a wife like you who enjoys porn and wants to help out. I'm too insecure and jealous to do that- I have to be the only one who turns my husband on. He is lucky to have you because that could be the key to getting him off this maybe. The novelty of the websites may be exciting to him and maybe he is replacing your sex life with it. Try to make him understand how you want to help, maybe send him an email so he will read it while he's on the computer? If worse comes to worse if you suspect he's doing more you can always get spy software to monitor exactly what he's saying and doing. Just don't get caught. I feel for you, I know how frustrating it can be. Hang in there. Maybe you can calmly talk to him about it another time when you're both relaxed and he's not on the computer. Maybe one night you can wait for him naked before he has a chance to get on the computer, then he'll see what he's been missing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 2:28pm
Your story sounds very familiar. My husband and I did the whole porn thing together for awhile. And like you I really enjoyed it until he started doing it away from me every single chance he got. It sounds like your husband has replaced sex and intimacy with a real person with the porn. My husband did that, too, and it nearly ended our marriage. He thought that by me being into it with him, I was trying to "trick" him into telling me he liked it. We never had sex and he just would get off looking at porn. Like butterflylily said, he is lucky to have a wife interested in those things, just like mine was. He has stopped doing it, because he knew if he didn't stop, we'd be over. I found that since he stopped doing it, our emotional intimacy is better than I ever thought it could be. Your husband's disrespect towards you is showing you just how much he values you. He is basically coming out and telling you (by his actions) that he values the porn over you. Porn is fine, I don't have any issues with it. But when you replace your sex life with it, there is a problem. You say that even after his behavior towards you, you would still be open to doing it with him. If you were to do it (and I am just speaking from my experiences) you wouldn't really be connecting doing something naughty. I used to think I was connecting with my husband, which really turned me on, but all it was was avoidence of intimacy on his part. There is alot more to marriage than just the sex part. After so many years of missing it, I am finally understanding how great it is. I hope this helps:)

Good Luck!