Husband and Private Dances

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Husband and Private Dances
11
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:27pm
Last November my husband went to Vegas where he spent $1600 at strip clubs and for private dances with the dancers. Our marriage almost ended. He said he didn't realize how much this had hurt me and promised to never do it again.

This November he got drunk and went to another club, spending $600.

Well, I just found out that he went to a club by himself and payed $260 for two private dances in a room away from the bar area. Two nights later spending $400 he went again with business customers.

He has been in therapy for his drinking and what he calls his other problems. His mother died and says he hasn't been able to handle it. He feels I don't respect him, he's right I don't! Everytime I look in his face I see a naked woman straddled over him.

Well I can't handle anymore!! How can this be normal, am I over reacting? My heart has been ripped out. People look at us and think we have a wonderful marriage! HA Where do I go from here?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 2:42pm
No your not overreacting at all. Your husband has a serious problem. If he has a drinking problem, he probably has an addictive personality and thus the addiction to the dances. Also the $ he's spending. I know men who frequent strip clubs and even though I personally think it's degrading and a bad inviroment, these men are good men, all married and I think they enjoy getting together with the guys and having a beer ever now and then. But if this is something he is hiding and doing alone. That's a problem. Anything you do that you have to hide, is pretty obvious you shouldn't be doing it in the first place. He needs to get some help before it goes any further and ruins his marriage. Good Luck...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 3:48pm
I don't blame you for how you are feeling. Have you thought about marriage counseling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 5:01pm
yes, we've been to a counsler before, but he said it didn't do anything, because he didn't speak about his real problems. He's keeps saying he loves me, but I can't see how!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 5:06pm
First, you are not over-reacting and what you are feeling is normal.

My guess is that the place you go from here is to your own counseling appt. It will give you a safe place to vent, sort out your emotions, give you direction for the future.

You husband has major issues - fear of intimacy (physical and emotional), not financially responsible.... sure you want to work it out with him?


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 5:08pm
I don't think you are overreacting at all either. This is definitely a serious problem. I don't know what to tell you. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are totally reasonable in being upset by thing. Marriage counseling can work, but the people involved have to be dedicated to fixing the problems. It doesn't sound like your husband is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:47pm

OH MY LORD..IF HUBBY DID THIS I WOULD NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO! MY FIRTS IMPRESSION WOULD BE TO KICK HIS BUTT TO THE CURB! IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME YOU REALLY NEEED TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS! IT HAS GONE TO FAR AND THERE IS NO GUILT ON HIS PART...THAT IS B.S.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 7:02am
I wonder how HE would feel if the "table"(no pun intended) was turned??? I'm not suggesting for one second that you do this. But I'm just curious about what HIS reaction would be knowing his wife was spending THERE money for lap dances from guys???? Interesting...

You ask "where do I go from here?"...I don't know about where you are going to go, but I can tell you I'd be heading for the first door out of that lifestyle. Easier said than done...I know..

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 10:33am
I Found this very interesting He'll understand what losing his family and wife is all about now.

The naked truth exposed

by Jean Wahlborg

May 18, 2003

Maybe you think there is no reason why a straight girl should ever go to a strip club and watch naked women.

Maybe you think it’s disgusting, perverted, immoral, or just a waste of time (not to say that this is completely untrue). If you’re a man, you probably think the idea of a girl going to a strip club is hot. But that’s beside the point.

Recently I went to one of these houses of ill repute for a guy friend’s birthday, and I can’t say that I regretted it. I’m grateful for what I learned by attending.

Strip clubs are not what I thought, and perhaps not what most of you think. This is important because as any war strategist will tell you, the key is to know thy enemy. When your boyfriend comes home and says, "I went to a strip club with the guys, but don’t worry, nothing happened," how are you supposed to know that he’s telling the truth unless you’ve visited one of these places yourself? Because of what I learned, I want to encourage every woman to go to a strip club at least once in their life so they can truly understand the experience that is Déjà vu.

First of all, strip clubs are not what they seem on television and movies. They are much worse. Most of the girls (and I mean girls, not women) who work there are barely of legal age and word has it that some have yet to sign their own permission slips.

Shows like Married with Children or movies like Independence Day that portray strippers lead me to expect the strippers to be in their late 20’s or early 30’s.

You would also expect them to keep some of their clothes on. This is a grave misconception. Though the girls start out in some kind of outfit, i.e. low cut tops and skirts that barely cover their butts, when they get on stage they strip to their birthday suits.

If your boyfriend hasn’t seen you naked yet, you definitely don’t want him watching 20 other women get naked. If he has seen you naked, you probably don’t want him comparing you to these girls who are so thin they look like they have been smoking heroin (which would not surprise me).

Secondly, the "no-touching" rule is pretty ineffective. These girls will shove their boobs and crotches in your guy’s face faster than you can say "dirty whore".

If someone holds up a dollar, a girl will waltz over, put the dollar in the giver’s teeth, pull open her g-string, and push the philanthropist’s head close enough to taste her bikini wax. Girls trying to invite a lap dance victim will often shove their boobs or booty right into a guy’s face.

As if this weren’t bad enough, there are also the lap dances themselves. The guys are not allowed to touch the girl who is dancing for them in their private booth, but the girls climb all over them, shaking everything they’ve got and pretty much dry-humping the guys.

And if you think you have nothing to worry about because your boy can’t afford a lap dance, they give them away free on the hour.

At the strip club, several of the guys admitted that they got "excited" from the lap dance girls; though one admitted (and this is a direct quote), "If I could have touched her, it would have been so much better." (p.s. this guy was not single). This leads me to my next point.

Even if you think your guy would never get a lap dance or go to a strip club because he loves you too much, think again. Some of the guys I was with had girlfriends. To give them some credit, peer-pressure was paramount. If a guy didn’t want to throw his money at a naked, soapy girl in the shower show, his friends would heckle him until he did so.

The thing is you don’t really think about it because you get all wrapped up in the environment. It begins to feel like anything you do is natural and fun because the strippers and your friends support it. This makes it easier to surrender to temptation, and I saw many guys (and a few girls) fall.

Strip clubs are nasty places, but I’m glad I went. Now I know what happens. And if I find out a guy I’m dating has been to a strip club, I will chop his body up into many pieces. To the guys’ credit, some of them said they’d rather be with their girlfriend than a stripper because it just wasn’t as fun. However, that didn’t seem to stop all of them from getting lap dances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 1:05pm
You go to Al-Anon.

No, you are not over-reacting. you don't ever have to take responsibility for your husbands actions. Nor do you have to put up with them.

By the way, if anyone says it's normal for men to have strippers straddling them...they are wrong.

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 1:10pm
Yes...thank goodness I found a man that thinks that strip clubs are ridiculous. And thank goodness I live in a city where they are illegal.

I am too good for any man who would degrade a woman in that way.

So are you.

Sarah

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