Husband blew me off

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Husband blew me off
3
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 11:20am
OK-This was my first mother's day. Our baby girl is 6 months old. My husband and I have different views on how a marriage should be after baby-I tend to think we should still act married-take time out for each other-even if it's a simple as lunch-hug-talk-all the stuff married people do. He-however-sometimes forgets to say hi to me until he's been home for an hour. Never asks how my day was-how are you-etc. Whew-can you tell I'm upset???? Well last week-he was off wed, thurs, fri. Thursday went golfing-Friday he did nothing except go to his parents home all day (they have a vacation home here and when they're here our lives tend to revolve around them-that's another issue). Saturday he worked until 3pm-went to get ice cream for his whole family-and a couple other errands for family (not me). So come Sunday-he had to go in at 7am-he gets up-says "happy mothers day", and reprimands me for not turning the dvd player off. No card-not from him, not from our daughter-nothing. I was so upset that I go a reprimand instead-I-of course-cried-he said he didn't have time to go get a card-that he was going to go on his way home that day. He said he "knew he needed to get me a card". Am I oversensitive/???? I said it shouldn't be a case of "needed to", but a case of it being my very first mothers day and he should want to go out of his way to make it special. Instead he blew me off until the last second. He had so many other "importatn" things to do for the 3 days prior-and he took his mother to the store on Thursday!!!! He was there!!! But didn't even think to stop by the card section. I got him a card from our daughter on easter, valentines, etc. Am I insane? Should I really be upset?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cjmal
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:05pm
You're not unrealistic to want to be still "lovers and friends" as well as maried and parental entities. And you're not wrong to want him to acknowledge you with hello, or ask about your day, or consider you at the special events and want a card or some acknowledge.

However, it is TOTALLY UNREALISTIC and that is setting you up for the negative feelings which you're now describing - to expect any of these things FROM HIM!

People do what their values justify, their priorities dictate, their standards require - and all that is personally determined by each individual.

So, quite likely pre-children - he wasn't so much your friend and lover as you two were a "partnership". And perhaps you didn't realize it overmuch because you had plenty of free time and options to pursue your individual goals, and you were included in his family as "one of the family" when you were around.

Now, you have a child...and this responsibility and obligation is seriously limiting your personal time and options...and you're finding out that it doesn't overmuch limit or change his.

It kind of like "someone has to tend ot the responsibilities and requirements" - and by default of your unwillingness to be irresponsible or find other options - that someone is you that is tending ot the obligations and responsibilities.

Make any sense? He's not treating you any different post-children as he did pre-children...it's just that the situational options and reality changed for you post-childre - so now you've got a different perception on the entire relationship.

But, expectations cause you to anticipate, desire, and require things. And to expect of him what he's never done, prioritized, or considering doing for you now because you've had a child - that is unrealistic, and it is going to repeatedly cause you to be "hurt".

So just stop expecting him to be what he's not...and accept him for who and how he is. Now, if what you find is that person does not meet your needs or standards....THEN you have a dilemma.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
In reply to: cjmal
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 12:48pm
You are unhappy and he is not repsonding. This situation needs to be fixed in order to have a happy marriage. If talking to him doesn't help, I would strongly recommend counseling. The trouble in your marriage will only get worse if this is not addressed. Please do this before one of you does something that you will regret. If someone is not getting what they need out of a relationship, they will look elsewhere. And that can never lead to anything good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: cjmal
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:48pm
I think you have every right to be upset. I think that he neglected you and feels no remorse for it. I don't think it calls for drastic measures like divorce but I think it's time you set him down and had a long heart to heart with him. Tell him your needs and requirements and your feelings. See what he has to say about it and his views on them. Tell him you think he was inconsiderate and you expect it to never happen again and why. He needs to FULLY understand why your so upset and know specifically what is expected of him in the future. It probably wouldn't be as big of a big deal if it was any other holiday but it was Mother's Day---your 1st one at that! That's the main big day that Mother's are actually shown and told appreciation. You got nothing and of course your mad!