Husband changing

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Husband changing
4
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 6:33am
Hi all!

I really hope someone can help me. I just don't know what to do anymore and I feel as if I can't talk to anyone I know. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years now and we always got on really well both in a relationship and as friends. The problem is that he smokes a lot of cannabis. Every night as soon as he comes in from work he starts smoking and doesn't stop until he goes to sleep. It costs almost £150 a month to fund the habit. The thing is that we are beginning to struggle money wise now and it's got me worried. Just after Christmas we went on a night out. He had been smoking and drinking and when we got home he just lost it. He was shouting, swearing and threw me downstairs. He smashed a few things in the house and hit me several times. When he stopped he starte dto fall asleep and I asked him why he hit me. His response was 'it was easy'. I sat up the whole night crying by myself.

The next day he didnt even apologise and said he couldn't remember much about the evening but, then asked if I had bruises (I had tons of them) - so how can he say he doesn't remember? I think what hurt me most was the shock of him doing this and I now feel as if I have to leave and I don't think I can face it - but, how can I trust him again or even feel comfortable in his company? He is still smoking and now each night he also has a couple of 'shots' of jack daniels. I also seen him this morning taking a smoke to work with him.

I can't talk to my family or friends as I know how they would react. But, if we were to work it out they would bring it up in years to come.

Please help... I'm sorry this message is so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 11:01am
What's most disturbing here is that your husband physically abused you and there has been no communication about it. You are right to be worried. And he is absolutely wrong to not be on the floor grovelling at your feet and begging for forgiveness, starting by promising to get some counselling.

It sounds as though he blacked out that night from too much alcohol and perhaps that with the pot sent him over the edge?

Am I right in presuming that you are from the UK? I know that cannabis habits are quite popular over there, but judging the amount of money he is spending on it monthly, he has a very serious habit - and taking it to work with him - not good, at all. The fact that he has now added a couple of shots of JD to his nightly buzz, gives me the impression that perhaps his addiction is escalating.

Problem is, there isn't anything you can do about it, except for remove yourself from the situation, and I think until you have had a discussion and he has made some statements about how he intends to win back your trust, backing those statements up with action, that you have no choice but to leave. If you do not address this issue with the utmost seriousness now - things will only get worse.

I think you are right in not discussing the details of this with your friends and family, because you are right in that they will judge and they will not forget. Just tell them that you have private issues between the two of you, that you think everything will be fine in the long-term, but that a separation needs to happen as a temporary measure to work through some problems.

In the meantime, your husband needs to be made aware that he is on the verge of losing you.

Demand action from him and accept nothing less - you owe it to yourself.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:13pm

Your family and friends have every right to be worried. What concerns me is that you are in a phsically abusive relationship that can only get worse. Do you have any children with this man? Not that I think it would warrent you staying with him, but i do feel as if you need to do someyhing right away. I would prefer to see leave him.If you dont fel as if thats an option, maybe you should look into counseling?


Please keep us posted, as Im sure everyine else here is just as concerned as myself.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 1:55pm

I am also assuming you are in the UK. you NEED HELP NOW. call a domestic abuse hotline and get help. it doesn't matter now WHY he is doing it, or whether or not he apologized to you ----- the point is that he is abusive and he is not even aware of it.


if yo uare not willing to leave him, then at the very least get in touch with al-anon or the UK equivalent, some kind of support groups for people who live with addicts.


good luck and please keep us posted - i am worried...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 6:14am
thanks all for your advice and concerns.

I do live in the UK and thankfully I don't have any children at the moment (that would make the situation much worse).

I spoke to him last night and let him know exactly how I felt and although I didn't give him an ultimatum or anything I told him I wouldn't put up with a marraige based on fear or any type of abuse.

I'm going to stay with a friend for a while to let him have time to see what he has actually done. I can only hope the time apart gives him the space to sort out his issues

thanks again for your help - I'll keep you all updated