Husband cheated; girl pregnant
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 03-21-2007 - 5:10pm |
I have been married to my husband 2 years on this Sunday. When we first got married everything was ok but sometimes when he wanted to have sex, I would say I was tired or I just didn't want to. Instead of him telling me that this was a big problem, he held it in until finally he started going out and hanging out late. I got pregnant November of 2005 and it seems like everything went downhill from that point. We stopped sleeping in the same room with each other and we constantly stayed into it. When I accused him of cheating on me, he denied it and said that he was just out with friends. I had my baby in July and in the hospital, I told him that I wanted from that day forward to throw everything that he did in the past out and for us to start over now. He agreed. Everything was good between us until the second week the baby was home. He went out and stayed out until 5 in the morning. I instantly got mad and went back into my mood of not saying anything to him and having that pissed off look on my face. I would try to talk to him and he kept saying it was harmless and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. From the time I found out I was pregnant up until today, I think we probably have had sex may 10 times. One day in January he came home angry and telling me that he was dealing with something and that it didn't concern me and that it was his problem and he was dealing with it. In my mind I was thinking that he either got someone pregnant or he killed someone and I knew he wasn't capable of murder. He denied having someone pregnant or killing anyone. Well, two weeks ago, this guy kept trying to talk to me and finally after his persistance, I got his number. When I called him, I blocked my nubmer. He asked if I was married and I told him I was but that we were divorcing because I suspected him of cheating. He asked where my husband worked and then said that he bets that he knows him. He guessed what car he drove and he told me my husband's name. When I asked who the hell he was, he was like, I know the girl your husband has pregnant. My heart dropped. He told me that he worked with my husband and he knows the girl and she told him a few weeks ago that she was pregnant with his baby. The girl told him that she didn't know he was married. Well, the guy gave me the girl's name and number and of course I called. At first she was defensive and said that she wasn't pregnant but when her mom got on the phone, she told me that she was pregnant and that they didn't know my husband was married. The mom said that she plans on adopting the baby with her husband and she wanted my husband to waive his parental rights and to basically disappear. When I first asked my husband about him having someone pregnant, he told me no but then he later confessed. I went through a period of being very angry and sad. I talked to him and I asked him what he wanted to happen in our marriage. He said that he wants to try to work through this and when I asked him how he expects that to happen, he said that we have to learn to communicate with each other, trust again and to compromise. Well, I told him that in order to start over I needed to reveal something. I told him that I also cheated but only after the birth of our daughter because I knew he was out doing the same thing. At first, he said that he wasn't angry with me and that he could understand me doing it but the next day all of that was out the door. He called me a hoar and basically disrespected me. I asked him why could he dish it but can't take it. He said I can't do what he does. That night, I had a fit and just let it all out. He grabbed me and said that he was sorry for everything he did and sorry for hurting me and that he loved me and that we will work through this. Now, my husband said that he does not want anything to do with this child. He even drove the girl to the abortion clinic to abort it but because you have to come back, she didn't go the second time. I am 26, he is 28 and she is 22. The mom's intent to adopt is so that she can go to school and live her life. Now, I talked to the girl a second time and she told me that she doesn't know what she will do as far as the adoption is concerned. She said that she will have to wait until the baby gets here to decide what she will do. I asked her if she wanted child support and she said that she doesn't want anything from him since he has expressed that he doesn't want anything to do with the child or her anymore. I contacted an attorney regarding him waiving his rights and the only way he can is if someone adopts it. I have tried to contact the mom again (because it seems like the daughter is playing games) but have been unable to get in touch with her. The only way I feel like we can work on our marriage is if the baby isn't born or if someone adopts it and he waives his rights. If the baby is born and she puts him on child support, then I can't deal with that and would have no choice but to divorce him.
What should I do? I love him and want my marriage to work but this girl holds the future of our marriage in her hands. Unless she calls to say she miscarried, I can't work on us getting our marriage back and then months later finding out she is putting him on child support. I don't want anything to do with this child nor do I want him to see it, visit it or support it. He does not want to have anything to do with it as well. This is driving me so crazy and it's all I think about. How do we get a resolve so that we can move forward? Why is it that the woman has the ultimate decision even though it takes 2 to make a baby? It's so not fair. Please advise

Pages
tklmeelmo98,
I have lots I could/want to say about your post but I am going to try and remain respectful.
I can't imagine the pain you are going through knowing your husband cheated on you and got another woman pregnant. I think if you are going to try to work this out you have to go to marriage counseling together.
I understand that you are upset, but it is horrible to want her to have a miscarriage. I understand it would make things a lot easier on you, but can you imagine what that would do to her. Also regarding it being the woman's decision to have to baby even though it takes two people to make a baby, would it really be fair for women to be forced to have abortions because the father doesn't want the baby. And if this poor baby is born think of how bad it is going to feel knowing that his/her father wants nothing to do with him/her. It can do horrible things to a child. Even though it would be hard the best thing would be the support your husband and encourage him to be a father to this child. Afterall, the thing that really should matter would be the wellbeing of this child. Children don't get to
glitter-graphics.com
I have gone to marriage counseling by myself and he said that he would go with me so we will see. I totally agree this is the first step.
I am in so much pain, not for the infidelity but the child. I know it's wrong for me saying that I wished the baby wouldn't be born, but I say it because I do feel for the well being of it. I thought the same thing you said. How would I feel if my father wanted nothing to do with me? Everyone, including his family would turn their backs to this child and I just know that would be awful. I figured being in heaven with God would be better than stepping into this situation. He said that even if we did divorce he wants nothing to do with the child. I'm not at a point where I can go to him and encourage him to be there with the child. I am praying and asking for the guidance from God but I am not there yet.
As far as the comment you made about it being fair for a woman to be forced to have an abortion if the father doesn't want it, I wasn't saying that she should be forced to have an abortion but if SHE makes the decision to keep it and wants to be a parent then why is it that the man is then FORCED to take care of it? It's a two way street. What about when the father wants to keep it and the mother aborts it? Isn't that the same as him not wanting it but her choosing to keep it only except if she decides she doesn't want the responsibility, she has a choice and he doesn't? I just think there should be something in place where father's could have a choice if a woman wants to keep a baby. That's all I was saying.
You said how I would feel if my husband had nothing to do with my daughter. Well, this girl has taken time away from my daughter so I am pissed. She knew he was married and she chose to continue with him. He has a good job making good money and she just sees him as a money maker. She doesn't even have a bed to lay down in. She sleeps on the couch. Is that fair for a child to sleep on the floor? She even made the comment to him for him to not to tell me about the baby and that she was going to get an apartment close by our house so he could see the baby anytime. She is evil and caniving (sp). She will use child support as a threat when she asks him to do something for the baby and I don't want to deal with that. If they agreed to abort it before they started having sex and now all of a sudden she is pregnant and decides she wants to keep "her baby" then she needs to deal with it on her own and leave us alone. She even said that she doesn't want him to be at the hospital when she gives birth but yet she can go to the courts and demand he pay child support.
I am very angry so forgive me if I am coming off at you in a negative way. I am just trying to see all sides of the situation from the woman's perspective and the man's. It was wrong from the start.
I understand everything you are saying and can understand you being angry. You have every right to be angry. I also agree with the man wanting to keep the baby when the woman doesn't. It isn't fair. It is too bad that we live in a world where every pregnancy isn't wanted/accepted.
It does sound like it would be for the baby if the grandmother adopted it.
All I can say about the child support if that your husband knew the risks of having unprotected sex with a woman that wasn't his wife. Which makes me think, you should probably get tested for std's just to be on the safe side.
I am sorry you have been put in this situation. I wish I had better advice for you. It is good that you have gone to the marriage counseling by yourself and I hope your husband will join you.
glitter-graphics.com
you should also be ashamed of yourself for cheating, but he made a bigger boo-boo. i think you both should either go to a marriage counselor FAST or call it quits. Personally, even with counseling, i doubt if i would ever be able to trust him again. good luck.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I say get divorced and codify child support and parental rights before this other girl has her baby. Otherwise your child will suffer the financial consequences.
Marriage counceling is a waste of time with this guy -- he's not really a husband. Counceling may help you if you so choose.
Hi tklmeelmo and welcome to the board.
I'm going to jump around...
::What should I do? I love him and want my marriage to work but this girl holds the future of our marriage in her hands.
She only has the power you give her.
It sounds like there is far too much selfishness going around. Your husband is of extremely poor character to cheat on you. He is obviously hasn't even an ounce of morals to get a young girl pregnant then refuse to take responsibility. He is the mature, married adult and is completely responsible for having sex with a young girl - and without protection. He is responsible for the child. If he didn't want one, he choice was whether to unzip his pants or not. It is also very alarming that you only view this poor child as an inconvenience in wanting to rebuild a relationship with the loser.
It is completely understandable this young girl is unsure of what to do. It is possible she is really thinking about the best interest of the child, not what is convenient for you.
I really appreciate all the honest advice. I have come to a decision on how I want to handle this. He just showed me tonight how he feels about the situation. He says that counseling won't help and has the attitude of well, she is pregnant what do you want me to do? He still has the double standard attitude and keeps focusing in on the fact that I cheated on him instead of owning up to the reason I cheated in the first place and dealing with the fact that he has this girl pregnant.
Yep, I have made my decision. I will stick to it this time. I have decided that I will divorce him. He is not for me and I will be so much better off without him. He will be the one that will sit up at night angry because of what he has done. I will be somewhere happy and loving life. I am glad I posted to this discussion board. Thanks for all of the advice and here's to a better me!
glitter-graphics.com
<
Pages