Husband constantly yelling
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| Mon, 09-06-2004 - 7:42pm |
I'm new here and wonder if anyone has any advice for dealing with husbands with short tempers. Here's what happened today; My husband was doing the dishes and I was cleaning up the kitchen. He had utensils in the sink and I needed to pour out a bottle of water so I poured it out in the sink with the utensils - okay looking back, maybe I should have warned him or asked if it would be okay. Also, the sparkling water had lime in it and the utensils could get a little dirty but the utensils were full of soap so I thought it was no big deal and he would be rinsing them anyway.
This is embarrasing, by the way, getting into so much detail about this. But here's the reason I am - he blew up at me; yelling at the top of his lungs and full of anger, "Damn it, what the f^%& are you doing? Couldn't you see those were clean?" I told him he should not yell at me, no matter if I did something that made him mad, that there are other ways to express anger - like telling me, not yelling, that what I did was rude and made him angry. We had a similar arguement yesterday twice, and the day before and the day before.
Always the focus becomes that he yelled at me out of frustration and anger. Even though the things I have done to invoke his anger are different every time, he says the things I do are what cause him to yell. Simply put, yes, they are - but I am not to blame for his over reaction. Typically, he apologies, but only after I've stayed away from him for hours and he wants the fight to be over with. I've heard walking away from someone who yells is important - but I've tried that and all it does is extend our fights. Nothing stops the same thing from happening the next day - nothing that I've found yet.
Our therapist says he has trouble dealing with frustration b/c he has ADD. She also has gotten him to see where he gets this from - his dad. I agree that he has ADD and he was treated this way by his dad, but it's no excuse. Medication didn't work for him, which I am okay with b/c I don't think medication is so great. I've taken various medications for lots of things and all have left me with more side effects than positive effects - same with him. So, medication aside, what will it take to get him to stop yelling at me? I've asked him and he says he doesn't know. I've explained that I'm scared for our future and he says he doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know how to stop.
Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks in advance.

I don't have any solid suggestions except to talk more to the therapist.
Edited 9/6/2004 7:52 pm ET ET by blondie0506
What can you do? Not that this will work, but hey, what the heck, next time he yells, say 'I know you are frustrated, but I refuse to be verbablly abused this way. You want to yell at me, do so on paper. Get it all out and when you are calm, then come talk to me.'
Carrie
your husband needs anger management classes - whether he has ADD or not. ADD is not an excuse for grownups acting in this way, nor should it be waved like a flag everytime something goes wrong. I think the key here is NOT the ADD but rather the fact that this was the way your husband was raised. HE is the one who needs to understand that HE is not hapy with this - and HE is the one who needs to seek help. YOU cannot do this for him.
good luck
Hi Julie,
I thought i would chime in here bc this sounds like my husband. He and I are in counseling as well for his short fuse and flaming temper. He gets very upset and loud over very little things and most times our arguments get us nowhere bc his anger makes him so unreasonable and he ends up blaming me for being "too sensitive" or that I should "learn not to provoke" him etc.
One thing is true about us... we probably DO provoke it, or we probably DID do something wrong to make them angry and we should apologize, but we do NOT deserve to be yelled at and verbally beat up. So in the end it sucks bc they are fuming over waiting for US to apologize, but after an explosion like that we feel its up to THEM to apologize. it really is a horrible cycle.
However, are you sure your DH has ADD?
I would ask your therapist about "Hyper-Reactive Disorder". My DH was diagnosed with this at a young age as well, and they figured it out that he got it from his father... and his father got it from his father etc. The behavior did travel its way down the blood line so I am very concerned about our children and am insisting that he get help before we concieve and his temper is reflected in our kids.
Small things like fixing the dryer and banging his thumb with a hammer provokes the loudest, meanest, angriest "God-damnit-mo****-fu**er- piece of sh**!!!" and slamming doors and stomping around etc.
Hey- the guy hurt himself... i'm sure its painful. or maybe he's frustrated, thats fine too. and all our freinds laugh about it bc he's known as "the tyrant".
But i will absolutely positively NOT have that kind of behavior around my children. ABSOLUTELY NOT! I dont care if you fell out of the attic and landed on a board with 50 nails sticking up. He needs to learn how to deal with his pain like a man so that this inherited behavior does NOT find its way into our little babies.
That is just my biggest fear.
definitely ask about "hyper-reactive disorder" and yes... he should seek anger management.
good luck.