husband is contacting his ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
husband is contacting his ex
11
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:33pm
In June '03 I found an email my husband sent to his ex-girlfriend (who he was in a relationship with before meeting me) saying "Happy Birthday, how are you?" basically. He opened a Yahoo account with her name as the password (don't ask how I know...that's another topic...I know I'm bad), and I know that he checks this email every so often (like once a week or every other week) to see if she has responded. Well, now it's March, '04, and he just sent her another one. This one says, "I know I said we shouldn't contact each other, but I was thinking about you and thought 'what the hell'". Isn't that lovely? The thing that really gets me is the "what the hell". That's probably what men think when they enter into affairs. He has become pretty bad at communicating with me, and now that I think about it, was never really that good. If something is wrong, I wish he'd fill me in, but I'm not sure how to go about talking to him. Last time I tried, we got in an arguement with basically both of us pointing out each other's failings. It resolved nothing and left a bad taste in my mouth.

I guess my question is this...do you think I should be worried by his actions in secretly trying to contact his ex? For the record, she lives in another state and is married (although I've heard unhappily). Oh, one more thing...he also did an internet search for her phone# and also a search for her wedding announcement in the paper, which lead to a link to where she worked (or used to work, I have no idea). It just seems like he's carrying it a bit far. If you're going to tell me to confront him, I'll tell you I won't, not yet, I want to see if she'll answer his email and what he has to say. If you're going to tell me to get counselling, I'll tell you we can't, not now, there's no way we could afford it.

Is this a sign of a man who wants out? Sometimes I think men "let" things get really bad to justify leaving, rather than putting some effort into making things better. I'm confused, angry, hurt, and very lonely these days,

jodee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:50pm
Jodee,

Aside from telling you that yes you should speak to your husband and maybe you should seek professional advice, there's not much any of us can give you. I'll try my best, though.

While him contacting his ex may be unnerving to you, the thing that you should be concerned about is that he's being so secretive. The red flag is that there's a reason he's hiding it from you. It could be just as simple as that he didn't want for you to frak out like you are now and really didn't think there was any harm in looking up someone that to him may just be an old friend. I don't know the details of their relationship, so I'm not sure how viable that is. I will say that that's the best case scenario... but that may be all it is. Considering that you went snooping through his email, I can understand why he wouldn't want to tell you even if it is harmless (not that that's an excuse).

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:01pm
Ok, so no confronting him with what you know and no counseling....

So you go with the flow, wait and watch. What outcome are you shooting for? Saving your marriage or ending it? Even if you confront him, he probably would deny everything and anything until presented with truth, so if you are keeping a record, make copies.

In the meantime, if you are hoping to save the marriage - then consider some of these books:

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Having any of these around the house may get his attention. My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:17pm
I just thought I'd save some of you some typing by saying "don't tell me to go to counseling" and "don't tell me to confront him." I will confront him, if and when I have to. What do I hope to gain? Information. How can I make a decision based on gut feelings one way or another? If I see that his emails to her are just friendly "what's up" kind of stuff, then I can relax. If they say "I miss you and remember that great sex position..." I'm gonna be mad. See what I mean? I didn't consider myself "freaking out", but you're entitled to your opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:24pm

Aside from the fact that he is intiating contact with someone and it being behond your back is wrong, aside from the fact that he has taken so far...It would be one thing if he included you in some way, shape, or form i his relationship with this woman, but he doesnt, which only makes it worse.


What bothers me is your attempts to try to resolve, or if nothing else work towards some sort of conclusion and he ignores...You deserve to be happy and if he isnt providing you with that, or even attempting to, then Id look into leaving and continuing your life elsewhere...


Good luck, you have alot of supporters here....


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:29pm
The thing is, you're posting here about what your husband is doing behind *your* back and at the same time you're being just as secretive and deceptive by prying into his emails and playing PI behind *his* back. IMO his statement of "what the hell" equates directly with your statement "don't ask how I know...I know I'm bad." In other words, you know what you did was wrong (or at least bad for your relationship) but you said "what the hell" and did it anyway -- same as he did! Neither one of you seems to give a hoot about behaving in a manner that's causing your marriage to cruise swiftly downhill. Has there always been deception, distrust and jealousy in your relationship? I doubt it all began with a single email last June.

Since you have no interest in doing the things that might help your marriage (communication or counselling) I'm not sure what type of help you hope to gain by posting here. All I can do is answer your questions:

"do you think I should be worried by his actions in secretly trying to contact his ex? "

Yes.

"Is this a sign of a man who wants out? "

Not necessarily but I think it's a sign of a man who would cheat on you. Someone posted here the other day that statistically speaking, it's women who most often end relationships, not men. He's not behaving like a happily married man but that doesn't mean he'll end the marriage.

"Sometimes I think men "let" things get really bad to justify leaving, rather than putting some effort into making things better."

Men apparently aren't the only ones. IMO spying, waiting and watching for his next wrong move isn't exactly putting effort into making things get better.

I think you both need some professional help in finding out why you're making such self-destructive choices. Good luck in sorting this out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:39pm
Thank you marsexpert...

I guess I feel like this isn't enough to start the process of "ending it". In some warped way maybe I'm waiting to have some solid "proof." The fact that he's doing this behind my back really does bother me. But of course, me reading his email isn't honest either. Although I would never have done it without my intuition suggesting I do. That and the fact that I walked in the room one day and he hurriedly minimized a window and looked as guilty as the cat who ate the canary. So I downloaded this keylogger thing....and the rest is history. Actually I almost threw up the first time I used it because of the guilt. But once I saw what he was doing, the guilt vanished. Maybe it wasn't the most morally correct thing to do, but there are worse evils. The thing is, this is my SECOND marriage, I'm only in my 30's, and I swore I wouldn't go through divorce again. I feel like my friends/family will consider me a complete loser and a failure. Part of me really does want out because I'm sick of feeling taken for granted, and then part of me says I should try harder and figure this thing out. Most the time lately I just feel so tired and I just sort of stagnate. Does this make any sense?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:57pm
Okay, okay, I officially retract my statement to "not tell me to go to counseling." Whoever wants to tell me that please go ahead. We cannot afford anything beyond our monthly bills right now, I mean anything more than maybe a movie, so if you want to send me some money I'll take your advice.

boobeetrap-

I don't think reading his emails is as deceptive as his possibly starting an affair. I wouldn't have even thought of it unless my intuition made me feel something was up. My comment "I know, I'm bad" was a lighthearted attempt to not have to get into this so I could just ask my question about how normal it was for husbands to reach out for their exes....but it obviously didn't work. For anyone who might say "what the hell" I'll look at his pager, read this letter, or check an email, I really don't think it's the same as "what the hell I'll have an affair." We're talking two different levels, two different motives.

Who says I have no interest in saving my marriage? Why do you think I'm posting here? If all it ever took anyone is to go to counselling and to talk to each other than this forum would not exist. Let's just replace the whole message board with one page with these words on it "go to counseling and talk to each other."

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:02pm
Actually, you pretty much COULD replace the message board with those two pieces of advice b/c they fit pretty much every post here: Go to counselling and Talk to one another. Oh yeah, with one more added: Let it go and move on.

Yes, your husband's actions are worrisome and No, a happily married man in a healthy marriage doesn't go digging in his past to find an ex to correspond with. He doesn't feel a need to.

Just let me say that if this marriage ultimately doesn't work out for you, you aren't a loser or a failure. To heck with what friends and family think -- they aren't living your life and they aren't responsible for your happiness -- you are. We all make mistakes. Just learn from each one you make and take responsibility for your own life and your own well-being. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 10:12pm
OK I apologize if I judged you and spoke too harshly. You do have cause to be concerned about your husband's behavior and I hope you figure out a way to get to him before he makes even bigger errors in judgement. Also, you are not a loser or a failure no matter what happens Jodee. Maybe your choice to marry him was good for you at the time you made it -- but if his actions later on cause you to rethink that -- why is that your failure? It's not. You can't control another person's thoughts, feelings and behavior. You can only control your reactions to it and the choices you make from there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 3:16am
So what choice do I make? I swear I don't know what to do. I can tell you I'm unhappy, I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm going to have a talk with him on Sunday (he works all day tomorrow) and it's making me sick thinking about it....

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