husband is contacting his ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
husband is contacting his ex
11
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:33pm
In June '03 I found an email my husband sent to his ex-girlfriend (who he was in a relationship with before meeting me) saying "Happy Birthday, how are you?" basically. He opened a Yahoo account with her name as the password (don't ask how I know...that's another topic...I know I'm bad), and I know that he checks this email every so often (like once a week or every other week) to see if she has responded. Well, now it's March, '04, and he just sent her another one. This one says, "I know I said we shouldn't contact each other, but I was thinking about you and thought 'what the hell'". Isn't that lovely? The thing that really gets me is the "what the hell". That's probably what men think when they enter into affairs. He has become pretty bad at communicating with me, and now that I think about it, was never really that good. If something is wrong, I wish he'd fill me in, but I'm not sure how to go about talking to him. Last time I tried, we got in an arguement with basically both of us pointing out each other's failings. It resolved nothing and left a bad taste in my mouth.

I guess my question is this...do you think I should be worried by his actions in secretly trying to contact his ex? For the record, she lives in another state and is married (although I've heard unhappily). Oh, one more thing...he also did an internet search for her phone# and also a search for her wedding announcement in the paper, which lead to a link to where she worked (or used to work, I have no idea). It just seems like he's carrying it a bit far. If you're going to tell me to confront him, I'll tell you I won't, not yet, I want to see if she'll answer his email and what he has to say. If you're going to tell me to get counselling, I'll tell you we can't, not now, there's no way we could afford it.

Is this a sign of a man who wants out? Sometimes I think men "let" things get really bad to justify leaving, rather than putting some effort into making things better. I'm confused, angry, hurt, and very lonely these days,

jodee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 10:57am
In your talk on Sunday (and I hope you do go through with it) try your best to keep your cool. Try to have a discussion, not an accusing confrontation, even if he doesn't. Try to keep steering things back to your marriage and how you want to do what's necessary to repair whatever needs repairing. Try not to raise your voice. Try to keep the focus on you as a couple, not directing comments about his faults and failings. If he doesn't do those things, just try to keep reminding him and asking him "Please let's discuss this for the sake of our marriage. Please don't accuse me or belittle me, I'm trying to discuss this in a way that will help US. I'm trying not to attack you, please do the same for me." etc. Also, tell him that you want the marriage to succeed, you want happiness for both of you, but it will take BOTH of you wanting that and trying for that to make it happen -- ask him if that's what he wants and if he's willing to do what it takes to make your marriage better. Try to assess his sincerity level with that b/c you cannot improve anything by yourself. It will take both of you. Good luck and hope things go well for you.

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