Husband / daughter delimma pls help
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| Fri, 08-03-2007 - 9:42pm |
Hello everyone,
I'm new here and seeking some advice regarding a stressful situation.
First off all, my husband and I have been married 24 years and have had a happy marriage overall, until now. We separated 3 days ago. Needless to say I feel sad and stressed out.
A month ago, our 19 year old daughter "Stacy" and her husband moved in with us because they could not manage on their own. At that time, only our daughter was employed. Fortunately her husband found a job this week. However, my son in law easily gets discouraged; he seems not to keep a job long for some reason. They depend on me to take them to and from work as neither Stacy or my son in law do not drive and own a car.
Well, during the last month, since Stacy and her husband has been here, they have not offered to help us in any way on household expenses. To be honest, neither does Stacy offer to help with household chores, cooking, cleaning, ect.
My husband had spoke to them about how they needed to pitch in but it would always end up in an arguement.
My husband told them they need to act like adults since they are a married couple. And he told Stacy that since she was married they should be on their own. They have been married a year and have stayed with different family members.
4 days ago my husband and Stacy got into a bad arguement and he had told Stacy and her husband leave. Stacy said no, they were not going to leave and told my husband he could not make them go. I begged him to calm down and said he just could not set them on the street.
He said if I were going to choose them over him, he would just move out until Stacy and her husband found them another home.
Problem is, that is not going to be anytime soon.
Furthermore, I feel I did not "choose" Stacy and my son in law over my husband; I just simply can't throw them out, no place to go.
My husband told Stacy that he loves her mother but feels he can't live under the same roof with them here.
To be honest, Stacy thinks I should allow them to continue to live with us despite what my husband says. She says he is not being fair.
I just don't know what to think....all I know is I'm sad, lonely and upset it has come to this. Also, we have a 6 year old son.
My husband calls everyday and tells me this is not about me...he says he loves me. But I am confused; it seems if he means it then he would be here with me right? But I should point out that he and my daughter argues a lot and I must admit it seems to be more peaceful now.
Stacy, her husband and I get aloing great, we've never argued.
Stacy says she hopes her father does not return and this hurts me.
Please, does anyone have any advice? I would certainly appreciate any opinions also.
I just don't know what to do, where to begin...

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Your husband has set a boundary. He has chosen not to live with dd and her h. He made it clear up front. This is right for *him.* He can not control what you do. He knows that. He *can* and should control the life *he* leads. Boundaries are healthy.
OTOH, you have no boundaries where your dd is concerned from what you posted. You have not told her that she and her h have x number of days to get the money together and find a place of their own. Your dd is an adult. You are treating her as though she is a child to whom you owe something. You don't. She's not.
IMO, it's time to make dd grow up and move out. I think your dh is right. You have chosen your dd over him. Choosing an *adult* child over your marriage says that you place your marriage well below many other things on your list of priorities. Give your dd and her h a month. That's plenty of time to get their driver's licenses, get a couple of pay checks, and move into their own place. If they get mad at you, they'll get over it.
Aren't you going to regret it if your dh ends up filing for a divorce while you end up living in a house *taking care of* your dd, her h, and whatever kids they decide to have for years and years and years? That's where it's heading!
Welcome to the board brunetteambition,
The reply you got was right on.
Thank you for this eye opener, I'm beginning to understand this situation a little better.
True, I have not asked my daughter and her dh to move out or set any limits.
I just dread doing so, but now realize I must. The reason I have not done so yet is because I feel like I would be wrong to do that...I've just been so blind.
I just seem to forgotten that Stacy is no longer a child even though she is married because the bond between us is so strong.
Yes, I agree...a month is a reasonable amount of time to save up the money and get what they need. I must admit since she has been here she has been wasteful with her cash and has nothing to show for it. In this town there are many places for rent.
So I'm going to make plans to talk to both my daughter and her dh today.
As for my marriage, I feel I must have done something right....24 years is a long time and I feel that is just too long to throw away over something like this...I mean I'm not guilty of something terrible like infidelity or dishonesty.
Thank you....I am just now facing the truth, she is taking unfair advantage of me and I;m allowing it. Somehow I just felt obligated to do everything I could for Stacy because I'm her mother.
She even said the other day, "Surely you won't choose dad over your own child".
Making me feel even more guilty.
This evening when I cook dinner I'm going to tell her to clean up the kitchen and do the dishes. That would be a start.
Then afterward we are going to have a discussion. I'm going to tell her that I'll help her find an apartment and get them moved.
Yes, I love my daughter and I am torn and I want to make everyone happy, as I'm not a selfish person.
I'm just unhappy without my husband here Stacy needs to understand this.
I thank everyone for their wise advice. Thanks for the welcome....coming to this board is just what I needed!
Didn't Stacy have chores when she was a daughter of the household? Now that she's half of an adult couple, the two of them should be responsible for whatever she took care of as a youngster, as well as doing their own laundry and cleaning up after themselves--that would just be common courtesy.
Has there been ill feeling between Stacy and your husband? Because she's also talking about choosing between them, and she's deliberately trying to make you feel guilty. From your husband's point of view, it's not that you're committing a destructive act, like being unfaithful, it's that you're avoiding taking a constructive stance to safeguard your marriage. For the sake of your whole family, including the 6-year-old, it's critical to put the marriage first.
Oh, and your husband can probably also see clearly that your son-in-law is a deadbeat.
Hi again,
When you have a helpless baby or one that needs protection from abuse, then you can choose your child over your husband.
I must admit Stacy was in fact on the lazy side. She would pitch in only occasionally.
What is odd....I met her boss at her workplace...he said she is one of the best workers there!
Well, she does do her and her dh own laundry, but not clean up after themselves. And when I go grocery shopping she will ask me to buy certain things, just like she did when she was younger. Perhaps she does not realize she is taking advantage of me?
Yes, in fact, there have been an ill feeling between Stacy and her father. You see, 3 weeks ago they got into a heated arguement. I'm ashamed to say it but she had used curse words at her father, too ugly to mention here. My husband is understandably resentful because she had not apologized to him for that. Also, she had gotten a dog without asking either of us if it was ok. I did tell she must be the one to take care of the dog.
So starting today I'm going to do some serious talking to Stacy and her dh. Thanks to you all, I understand this situation better.
True, Stacy certainly isn't a helpless baby or being abused. So I'm not sure why she thinks she should come first. As someone mentioned earlier, it's as if she thinks I "owe" her for some reason.
Yes, I plan to stick to my boundaries as I realize if things are too comfortable then she will not want to move, as my husband said....why would she?
I agree, she is a good manipulator. But starting today things will be different.
Thanks for the books you listed...I'll check into those.
I'm glad you were able to take my post in the way it was meant. I DO understand as I've BTDT with more than one of my five children!!
My oldest ds came to me after he was kicked out of his dad's house and asked to stay at my house for three weeks. He had a plan in place, a definite time that he would be staying, etc. I had no problem with that, and it was a good learning experience for me.
My oldest dd came back home to live with her bf when she was 5 months pregnant. I simply said that once he got a job, they needed to find their own place ASAP. Wrong way to deal with it. He sat on his rear end and didn't even look for a job, sleeping 12-14 hours a day, eating us out of house and home. DD was the one who finally came to me and said that she had given him an ultimatum about being in their own place prior to baby being born. They moved two weeks prior to baby coming. He had a job a month later. It was another learning experience for me.
After that, I used the same method- You have x # of days to get a job, save your money, and move into your own place. That worked every time.
BTW, when my oldest was a senior in high school and agreed to move with us, my dh and I moved 500 miles away. (My second dh. My xh is their dad.) The kids always knew that this is what we planned on doing. My youngest dd was a month away from turning 18yo when we moved, had her GED, was working full time, was going to college part time, and had a place to live, etc. She and I had discussed this before hand. I had agreed to let her do this all over the summer after she obtained her GED since I wanted to be there to help her through any problems she might have, etc.
Anyway, a month after I moved, my oldest dd is on the phone telling me what a lousy mother I was because I "abandoned" my children, and one wasn't even an "adult" when I "abandoned" them! I was in shock that she would even think this, much less say it to me! After being hurt and feeling guilty, I started laughing. It was ludicrous to say the least. I had ensured in every way I could that my youngest dd would be okay. She was still okay. How could I "abandon" *adult* children? LOL She was simply angry that I followed through with moving. It didn't matter that my dh and I had spent the first five years of our marriage long distance FOR the children's sake. (He's Canadian and has his own practice in BC. He couldn't move. I couldn't move unless the kids who were moving with me agreed to per court order.)
So I DO know about how much guilt an adult child can lay on you, esp girls about that age. She's manipulating you through guilt. Don't allow it! Let us know how your talk with her goes. Also, let us know how your talk things are with your dh, please.
"I must admit Stacy was in fact on the lazy side. She would pitch in only occasionally."
After raising two children and being raised in a family of four children, I have realized that it's a mistake to ever expect children to "pitch in"--it's just not in their nature. They have endless patience, and will wait out any adult who wants them to do something out of good will. They understand that sooner or later an adult will come along and do it for them, so they won't have to look up from the TV or the video game or painting their nails or whatever has claimed their attention.
I used to do all the chores because "the kids didn't cause this, so they shouldn't be responsible for cleaning it." Then I realized that they lived in the house, though, and they ate the meals I cooked and wore the clothes I bought and washed for them. They sat on the furniture my DH and I had purchased for their comfort, and played with the toys we provided. That's when I decided that everyone in a household was responsible for its upkeep, and for the comfort of everyone else. We aren't helping our kids by letting them see us act like servants while they lounge about like royalty.
"What is odd....I met her boss at her workplace...he said she is one of the best workers there!"
I'm sure you realize that Stacy is a good worker at her job because she can see the reward for her labors (her paycheck) and the consequences of indolence (getting fired). Obviously she DOESN'T see that the reward for participating in housekeeping tasks and being respectful to her father is being allowed to remain in your house, and the consequences for not doing these things are having to leave and being completely responsible for herself and her husband. Does she pay room and board? She's not a child of the household anymore, so it would be appropriate for you to expect that of her (she's not going to like it, by the way--I always hated having to pay my parents room and board, but it's only fair). You can also tie their continuing to live in in your house to their willingness to perform tasks around the place--if they want to remain until they've saved enough for a nice place, they'd better get busy.
Edited 8/5/2007 8:33 am ET by geoteo
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