Husband doesn't defend me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Husband doesn't defend me
11
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 6:35pm

At a recent family function my b-in-law verbally accosted me regarding a difference of opinion - on his part, not mine.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 8:47pm
I think that your problems run a lot deeper than your husband not defending you - why don't you go into the background and why your husband wants a divorce?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 8:57pm

Welcome to the board Kim,

I have to think that your husband wanting a divorce has to stem from some other issue than issue. I am also perplexed why your mother in law would think it was okay for you to be insulted and that nothing was wrong with it. Yes your husband should have defended you. Has he ever defended you before. Does he have a habit of treating you badly himself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 9:24pm

The dynamics of communication in marriage can be weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 9:40pm

"When we left he said I was over-reacting and that I should have defended myself and should not rely on him and if I don't like it I should get another man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-05-2008 - 11:02pm

Welcome to the board laskykim,


When we left he said I was over-reacting and that I should have defended myself and should not rely on him and if I don't like it I should get another man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 09-06-2008 - 9:31am

Unlike other posters I am not at all surprised that his mother doesn't think her son's behavior was wrong. WHERE DO YOU THINK HE GETS IT FROM?? He intimidates you because somewhere in his family life, intimidation and aggressiveness was considered normal and acceptable.

I have to say laskykim, I'm a little conflicted over your post. I see your husband responding to things that (it would seem to the reader) it might be obvious that you said, but I don't have any direct quotes from you that make his statements make sense... For instance you say that he was angry his manhood was called into question, did you say something like "a real man would have defended his wife"? That to me would be the obvious statement but all you really say is "I told him how I felt"

How did you tell him?

Did his brother really hit you in the FACE??

I think your husband is a complete jerk for not saying anything in your defense (and it would have been wiser for you to just walk away rather than try to defuse a bomb), but I'm interested in why he reacted the way he did to you when I don't have any direct quotes from you toward him. It would help to know this in order to understand why he chose the language he did.

I guess barring everything else, if I were in your position, I'd be really tempted to let him follow through with his divorce offer if he really never wanted to come to my defense...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2008
Thu, 09-11-2008 - 2:21pm

Thank you for your reply, I didn't really want to post all the gory details but here goes, we actually got in the car with our kids where my husband proceeded to tell me that I was acting like a p***y

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-11-2008 - 3:19pm

Your husband, his brother in law and mother are totally out of line. It is certainly the job of a husband who loves his wife to step in and defend her. The fact that he didn't, the fact that he allowed this ways that he was in collusion with his brother, didn't find anything so bad about your being treated badly. Clearly, he has his own aggression towards you and therefore could not only tolerate but see nothing wrong with someone else acting it out. Abusive men often turn the responsibility around and blame the one they are abusing (what your husband is doing now). They cannot face themselves or their own aggression and so make the other person wrong (for questioning his manhood), and this also gives them an excuse to abuse them more. Don't buy into any of it. It soundsto me that parting is a good idea. Unless he is able to acknowledge his own negativity, and see that you are worthy and deserve love and respect there is no reason to stay with him. This kind of abuse often escalates as well. It can become quite ugly. Get yourself a good therapist or counselor to help you through all the changes that are going on.


All good wishes,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-11-2008 - 3:21pm

Thanks for the extra info.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Fri, 09-12-2008 - 3:27pm

you said your husband blows up every 6 mo and needs to leave...

this sounds like a result of his own emotional problems, something with his childhood may be. Nothing you can resolve for him. If he were a smart person he would have gone for professional counseling... but again nothing for you to do here

May be, since you recognize his pattern, when you feel that it's about time for explosion offer him to go away for a bit. Actually present it as loving wife offering him to take some time for himself to unwind. Say, offer him to go fishing with his buddies or whatever is appropriate.

I've been doing this with my husband and what I find is that he goes away for 2 days or so (not a week and not mad). But as a result he feels both grateful and guilty fro leaving me alone with 2 kids (normally we share all work equally) so he becomes more considerate and patient for a while.

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