Husband has other relationship
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| Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:20am |
However after we had our children I have felt a like I have less power. I’m a stay at home mum. Before we conceived our third child we were quite distant from each other and I wasn’t sure if it would be the right thing to have another baby. However fate took over and our beautiful boy arrived. My pregnancy seemed to drain me of all energy and I achieved very little that year. I also existed on minimum housework and maximum afternoon naps. I know my husband found this tiring. He never initiated any physical contact with me for three years. And feeling like a loser I never pushed it till last year. I decided I really didn’t want to carry on like that and brought the topic of our marriage up. I feel proud of myself for how it went, Initially he didn’t want to talk (said it wasn’t a good time, but it was) but I was very diplomatic and offered no blame. I just said I was unhappy and felt we needed to consider what we wanted for the future, because if we were to carry on the same way then I didn’t want to stay married. He was quite defensive saying I had made him feel unwanted and in a very business like way drew up an action plan. It consisted of a roster showing when we would show affection to each other!! It was quite devastating to have a relationship reduced to this! however things got so much better. We both knew that we wouldn’t be rejected when we reached out and the roster was never adhered to. (thank goodness)
After things going so well, now I seem to be paranoid about him having other relationships. He has one female friend (a customer, I believe) whom he seems very close to. Texting and having ‘meetings’ regularly. I have recently been prying onto his mobile phone reading old texts. I was aware they were meeting one day when he was on annual leave and thought I’d ask a few questions. What sort of meeting is so important that you need to go even when you are on holiday. He actually shared some information about this person to me after this meeting as I was acting like the whole thing was genuine. I honestly don’t believe the relationship is sexual, however I do believe they are flirting and it could very soon go in that direction. I want to say enough to him that will give him the message that I have an awareness of this relationship and that he could lose his family over a very silly action. Without telling him I’ve been snooping through his mobile phone.
I believe he will always be appealing to women he is in contact with as he is a very good listener . So I’d rather he didn’t know about my prying as I believe I’d never learn if he was on the verge of an affair again. Please what do you think I should do?

You say if he was on the verge of an affair again. Why again? Has he had affairs before? As you have read the text messaging between him and this woman you have a better idea of what's really going on there than we do. The basic issue here is that you must be able to have open, honest communication with your husband. You can't live in fear and can't live with suspicion in your mind. It spoils everytihng. Sit down with him, get him to open up. Ask him if he's happy at home. Once again, don't do it with blame, just be accepting and listen to what he says...perhaps you can arrange a lovely evening out so it's a good atmosphere when you talk. Tell him you have a feeling something else is going on. Let him know that you
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Print this, have him read it and see what kind of conversation comes of it...
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie
I do believe you are right about trust and faith, and I guess we will get there or else we will split. The hardest part is knowing the effect it will have on my boys.
I've just read another text message asking "for a virtual hug" and him responding with "hugs and kisses"
I'm feeling a little sick about it
Thanks for caring
It is quite long though I'm not sure if he'll read all of it. Though I'll give it my best shot.