Husband Is Insensitive At Times To Our Child's Disability, Taking A toll On Marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Husband Is Insensitive At Times To Our Child's Disability, Taking A toll On Marriage
8
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 12:43am

My husband and I have a 15 year old son who has ADD and short term memory processing impairment. Because of the short term memory processing he has to have lots of repetition before information gets stored in his long term memory. I have tried over the years to educate my husband about our son's disability but he continues to say and do mean and ignorant things to our son and yesterday he went too far.

I had brought our son a combination lock for his school locker because he kept losing the key to his other lock. I sat down with him to show him how to use it and it took some time, which didn't bother me at all because I knew he had trouble remembering to go from right to left and then right again and also passing the 2nd number in the combination once. We were in his room practicing and we had been at it about 10 minutes my son would do it once and then the next time he could not get it open, so we had to keep doing it over, for me no problem I knew he would get it eventually. Then we hear my husband yell into the room "boy what's wrong with you frenchie could have done it by now!" Frenchie is our dog. Then he proceeds to tell him" if you didn't stay on that ipod so much you would be able to do it." I simply closed my son's bedroom door and continued to work with him and told him to ignore his father and that he was not to worry he would get it and then I wrote out a diagram with arrows that showed him which number was right and what number was left and then it started to click and he got it.

After I'm done with my son after we had practiced for 20 min and I was satisfied that he had remembered the combination and was able to open the lock. His father then proceeds to force him to do it again which made him nervous and he started to mess up and his father threatened to take away his ipod if he could not get it right. I didn't want to start a scene with his father and argue in front of our son. But if he had continued for too long I would have had to intervene. Anyway after about fine minutes my husband was satisfied that he knew it and took credit for it saying, I'm too easy on him. I was really angry last night and decided to cool down before I spoke to my husband about it.

Anyway today after

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007

How sweet you are to your son!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

Our son does not see me and his dad arguing. I make it a point not to because of the situation with my ex. And I always reassure him that he is smart and when his dad makes inappropriate statements sometimes my son even corrects him himself. Our son has enough problems with people outside and other relatives making fun of him. I just feel the home should be your safety zone. When I was coming up my mom would call me some of the same terrible names as the kids at school and it really did a number on my self esteem. I just don't want the same thing to happen to my son. When my son was younger I was always the parent who helped him with his school work and helped him learn things and his dad was basically on the side lines and mostly played sports with him.

Now that our son is a teenager he is trying to take a more active role in all areas and he does not have the patience

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011

The problem is I have been through this before with my ex and the child I had with him, I left him because he was abusive to me and we were arguing all the time and he was calling me bitches, whores, stupid and sluts in front of our then

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Fissatore- you are right. I did threaten to leave, but I know I wasn't really serious until recently. Going to see the attorney made it real for me, knowing that I could make it on my own, etc. My husband also knows i am serious as well. When I look back on myself and what crap I took I can't believe I was that person. No one should be talked to like that, no one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

There are obviously a lot of husbands like hers, and yours, and my ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007

Keepingitreal, based on your comments about your husband's progress with holding back in name calling and in treating your son respectfully, I'm guessing that you married a man who does not instinctively take other people's feelings into consideration.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2011
Keepinpitreal- the love you have shown your son is what a mothers love should be. What I found very interesting in your post was the similarity of how your husband responded when he was obviously in the wrong. You are a bitch and I was a piece if sh..it. After my husbands affair came out and he knew he was past his 9th life and when all his walls came down. He told me that he always knew what I called him on, I was right to. He said he defended and deflected because he was embarrassed by how he had acted.

For me, in hindsight, I think I could of stopped that behavior of his a long long time ago, by sitting him down, telling him calmly that I would no longer tolerate how he treated me and that I seriously wanted a divorce. I think he took for granted that I would always be there and never thought of leaving as an option.

What a tough situation you are in. You have every eight to be angry. I think that when we feel our children threatened or harmed we become even more defensive. You also seem to be a little more responsible? Little more mature? Have your priorities a little more in order?

Whatever you decide, hubby needs a Little wake up call. Maybe ask him to bake a pie, homemade crust and all or a five layer cake, or rice crispy treats even. Dont forget to set your timer. Cuz if he doesn't pass his baking test, no more tv. Boo hoo!