Husband & Internet Porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Husband & Internet Porn
2
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 9:11am
I don't know if this message goes here for just to reply to the last person who was just sick over her husband logging on to internet porn. My stomach is in knots and my heart sinks in my chest every time I check the computer and discover sex websites. We've been married 27 years, I thought happily -- but about 2 years ago I accidently discovered his visits to porn sites when I am not home. We are both professional, church going people with an excellent reputation in the community. Our children are grown and out of the house. I feel deceived, as if he has a secret life. I think I don't know who he is. This may have been going on for many years as he has not initiated sex for along time, but when I do he never turns me down.

When I first found the hits to porn sites I told myself that it was just an occasional indulgence and I didn't check anymore. Then after about 6-12 months I checked again, and the hits were still there. Then we started getting really wacky e-mail from people unknown to us with suggestive subject lines. I thought, this is really creepy so I blocked e-mail at that address and set up another one. In the last few months he has been really distant and detached. My therapist says that he is emotionally vacant and that he is getting his needs met via the internet to avoid emotion, as a protection so to speak. I am lonely. Other than that he is a wonderful person - great roommate -- just not into being emotionally available to me. We have a lovely home that he works hard to keep up, a nice nest egg financially. He makes no demands on me whatsoever -- I can go and come as I please and in so many ways I am totally spoiled. BUT -- I'm 50. Do I ignore this compulsion or addiction and go on with what I have? I am lost. Thank you. Joann
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 6:58am
I found what your therapist said interesting, as my partner also has had a thing for sites. I accidently found various xxx sites on our computer after he had been home all day and me at work. It wasn't just a passing thing and this seems to be often. Our sex life was very good and he has made mention in the past of what pigs these exploited women are. I can't help to check the cookies on the PC each time now I know he has been on and I have been out of the home. I feel as though I have been cheated on and I hurt. I wish that I could help you, but I am so confused myself..Good luck...God Bless
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 11:06am
You're not alone! My husband also takes a peek at internet porn. However, I actually do not mind, and I have my reasons for that (which I will go into in a bit).

I first discovered that my husband was taking a look-see when I was searching for a document I downloaded into a folder. I saw some files in the download folder that didn't look familiar, so I clicked on one. Woops. Closed out of that pronto! I was shocked - I thought only single guys checked out porn.

I confronted my husband about it, but not in an accusatory manner, but more of a casual nearly flippant manner. I didn't want him to feel backed into a corner, and I wanted him to open up to me. Better to not have secrets. So now he knows that I am aware that he does take a peek at internet porn, but he doesn't have to feel guilty or secretive.

I made the choice to not let it bother me, but had some help in logical reasons for this. 1. Better have him get his fix of...stuff...in our home by himself than out on the street hooking up with a stranger, or having an affair with a friend or co-worker. 2. Since our libidos differ and I don't desire sex as often, I don't feel under pressure to "give it up" more often than I want. His looking at porn can be considered "safe and clean", of only BECAUSE he is in the home, and by himself. No worries about STDs or anything like that.

I tend not to agree with therapists because in my experience they seem to look past the most basic explanations of problems. Your husband (and mine, and many others) is physically excited at times when you are not, and needs some release, and porn is a quick and easy way to do this. As women, we might think it is gross, and oh, how can someone do this, but men have different frames of mind. That is how it goes.

Since you say he doesn't turn you down when you want some activity, I wouldn't worry too much. I think his libido is just at a higher threshold than yours. Simple as that.

But I would suggest talking to him, as in the example above of my husband and I. Don't make him feel guilty or bad, because that will most likely send him elsewhere for his "fix", and encourage him to be more secretive. You obviously don't want this.

I wish you the best of luck, and if you want to talk more about it, feel free to email me.

HTH,

Jessica