Husband is leading me down a path I am not sure I want to follow.

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Husband is leading me down a path I am not sure I want to follow.
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Mon, 08-06-2012 - 11:27am

Previous Post Condensed:

Loving husband wants to go back to school for the next 17 years while I support us on a graduate assistants salary and I have to give up my dreams of: children, financial security, and a home. Is it wrong to think of divorce? Am I supposed to just grin and bear it? I love him but this doesn't seem right.

 

Update:

So after one huge fight and one open conversation, we have gotten to what I think is a balance. I am still wary, but at this point so many other things are going wrong in my life (parental health problems, my health problems) that I am willing to see how it turns out. Husband would now like to be a mathamatician and go to grad school. Because he can get a job in industry once his bachelor's in math is completed, I am willing to accept this decision for now. It will still take a long time, but at least he says he knows what he wants to do.

He has gotten a semi-permanent set of hours now which should help me pay the rent, which is a step in the right direction. I am still concerned, I can't pretend (on here) that I 'm not, but I've pushed the thought of divorce away for now, and decided to see how this all plays out in the next couple of years. I just don't have the strength to keep fighting, I need the family to pull together to get through these hard times, and we are happy for now.

Thank you for all the advice!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

You have every right to equity in your marriage and I would guess that is the principle that guided your initial negotiations with him. Since he has since changed the terms, you also have every right to address those changes.

You seem like a flexible person but in the end, you may have to put your marriage in the balance to restore equity, be it with him or hopefully, your next husband. I believe that a long-term perspective is needed here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006

When it comes to inequity, the longer it goes on, the more difficult it will be to correct. I gave my ex wife her dream life (home school, stay at home mom) for 20 years with my workload continually increasing and hers continually decreasing and once our youngest went off to middle school, I demanded that we work and play in equal measures. However, the cows were already out of the barn when I closed the door.

She was incensed, got her masters, a career, then filed for divorce. After all, why should she have to share now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
If it's really going to take that long to get his degree, and he's only making minimum wage at his current job, it would probaly make more sense for him to go to school full time and quit working till he gets his degree. If he's not working I would think all his schooling would be paid for with a government loan and he be able to get the degree with no student loan debt. I would also think if it would take ANYONE that long to get a degree in something that most people could easily lose interest in something that is going to take that long to get somewhere down the road. If he could take the maximum amount of credits allowed per semester it should'nt take more than 3 years to get the degree. My son is taking computer science classes and I think he can take like 16 credits per semester with dean approval.Sorry, but I just could not see anyone staying interested in any degree pursuit for that long without quitting or wanting to change course. I think it would be best to make some sacrafices and live on your salary for a few years if at all possible so he can get that degree over and done with. Good Luck
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

This is a very serious problem.  If you choose counseling make sure is is about your practical reasons and values.  Too much is about lovey-dovey and not practical reality.  An it degree is no guarantee of employment.  In this world there are no longer the securities to previous generations had.  He could be a SAHH and take care of the kids etc.  That is one option. I strongly suggest having one member with a living wage employment and financial resources.  The world is changing everything we knew will change before it settles.  Global economics will mean great changes and hard times for many.  Solve the economics and financial first.

chaika

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
he seems to have chosen computer science because it pays well. That's true generally but does he WANT to be a computer programmer? He could make all the money in the world an hate his job. Plotting out the credit hours on a graph will show him what you are talking about , the 17 years.

I mean what is the guy interested in? Does he have any passions? He should be pursuing something he likes doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

What you're saying about 17 yrs makes no sense.  My friend worked full time, had to go through all 4 yrs of college while working & having 2 kids and it still only took her 8 yrs to graduate--oh and now she's a VP of a major bank.  Look at it this way, he already has a degree so he won't need to take the full 4 yrs.  so you said 70 credits,  6 credits a semester--there are 2 semesters each academic year, so that's 12 credits a year.  70/12 = 5.8, not 17 (even 70/6 = 11.6, so where did you get 17?)  Plus he could take a summer class.

I am confused--is he actually working as a teacher now?  what kind of work does he do?  if he has a bachelor's already could he just get an MBA ( 2 yrs full time)?  My cousin's DDs both worked full time as teachers and got their master's degrees in only a couple of years going at night. 

I also think that he shouldn't pick a degree just based on what he thinks would be a good job--if he has no interest in it, as he did in teaching, he's not going to do well.  what is he really interested in doing?  And if he already has a degree, why can't he just get a job in that field?  Oh and I'm a lawyer, single mom of 2 & not a workaholic--it depends on what kind of job you want.  if you want a large firm job that pays a lot, then yes, you work a lot.  But there are jobs in government, corporate law and non profits that don't pay as much, but you can have a normal life.  I think your DH's problem is his indecisiveness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

I see that you lived with your DH for 6 months before getting married.  But did you two sit down and discuss what type of lifestyle you wanted, what your career goals were, whether or not a family was important, how money is going to be handled, etc?  Was there any planning, I mean actual planning?  Like sitting down with a financial advisor, meeting with a counselor in regards to premarital expectations.

Granted, life does throw some hard core curve balls, and there will always be a necessity to adjust and adapt.  BUT, it is still vitally important for you both to want the same lifestyle to some degree.

If I were you, I would sit him down and get pretty serious.  You seem to have an idea of what you want out of life, and his floundering is going to make it hard to accomplish that.

 

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

From where i am reading you have already decided intellectually.  Now action is called for.  What ever problems he is having it is holding you back.  There is no reason to wait.  See a lawyer and get an annulment or divorce.  Move on life is far too short to live in frustration.  If you get married again remember together you can hire household help. 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2012

I haven't read everyone's responses but this situation sounds like one my best friend is in and it's hard to be supportive and give her advice that she doesn't take the wrong way.

She started dating her BF about 4 years ago. Her boyfriend was really motivated and went to school full time for biology and worked almost full time at a decent paying job. For whatever reason ( not sure if he was fired ) he lost his job so he decided to just focus 100% on school and lived on his savings. He graduated college with his biology degree but did not want to go to medical school or any kind of graduate school. He decided to take a job at a pizza shop for a few weeks and then he quit his job. Eventually after many months of unemployment he found a job that utilized his bio degree then after two weeks quit that job too. He had the idea to go back to school for computers and went for his master's while remaining unemployed. Close to graduation he failed a class but luckily had a job lined up he quit that job too. The lesson is some people have these crazy ideas and you can usually tell when or if they are planning to follow through.

I would not grin and bear it you two need to spend some serious time discussing your future or seperate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It sounds like he's pretty unrealistic & also not a hard worker.  I mean right now there are no kids--I have friends who are single moms who work full time & go to school and take multiple classes per semester.  And obviously all those classes need to be paid for--it doesn't make much sense to go further into debt when he might change his mind again about what he wants to do.  I think that you should try marriage counseling, though, before you just decide to walk out--there are definitely some issues from the past that are haunting you.  Hopefully he will be willing to go.

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