Husband looks at porn but won't have sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Husband looks at porn but won't have sex
18
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 8:19am
Hello, my husband and I have been married only 18 months and husband looks at porn and gets off but won't have sex with wife. He said he made a mistake and he is sorry for hurting me. I asked him if thats what he wanted me to do and he said no. I have left him little sexy notes that I know turned him on but instead of haveing sex with me he took a hower by himself and masturbated in the shower then went straight to sleep. I got nothing from him. No hugging, cuddling, kissing, or sex. He has run a cell phone bill up to $956.37 in 900#'s porn calls. One the day after we were married. We didn't even have sex on our weddinng night, but he can call a porn line and get off. How can I try to save my marriage and get the porn completely out of lives? I need help cause this makes me fell worthless as a woman and a wife. I am loosing everything I have worked so hard to get. This is tearing me up inside and tearing my family apart. We can't afford a counselor cause of a limited income so anything else you give me to try and save my marriage will be appericated.

Thanks,

Angel

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Avatar for rikimiki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 10:19am

Angela,


I think your relationship is an example of how porn can interfere with a relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:00pm
You cannot afford counseling, but your husband feels that he can afford to spend hundreds of dollars in cell phone bills for porn?

I don't think porn is the real issue here. Many men are into porn, and yet they are able to have healthy, meaningful relationships with their wives or girlfriends. It is not about porn breaking you apart, it is about your husband being irresponsible. If he believes he made a mistake, if he does not want to give his marriage a chance, and change his behavior, get out of this, and thank God you did not have children with him. You are still young. This man is breaking your heart, and it is OK with him. I would call an attorney ASAP. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:35pm
In addition to the last post, I would add, your husband has issues with intimacy and is probably has an addictive personality. If he's unwilling to seek help, there isn't much you can do except take care of yourself and go to an attorney to find out what your options are for getting out of this marriage.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:57pm
I believe that when you marry someone it is for better or worse. The first thing I suggest is to talk to him about how this issue makes you feel without blaming him. Suggest to him counseling or going to church. Maybe find him another outlet (besides porn) for him to vent his feelings. Does he have any other hobbies or intrests? ... Put a large mirror in the bedroom for his fantasies and suggest sharing them with him. Wear sexy lingerie, wear your hair in pigtails, anything to spark his intrests. Most importantly, you must try to communicate with him about how it makes you feel and maybe he will gradually open up to you. You guys are partners for life. Do as much as you can possibly do to make every attempt to save your marriage before throwing in the towel. If he honestly loves you, he will respect your feelings and try to work it out to where you both can be happy together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:58pm

angel honey i am sorry for what you are going thru right now, i am now getting out of a 7 year no-sex marriage. my STBX didn't look at porn but just didn't have sex with me (for his own issues which i still haven't quite figured out). anyway, here are a few points:


I understand you don't WANT to get divorced, but what you have now is not a marriage. a marriage includes a normal sex life. the problem tht you have is not just the sex issue per se, but the fact that your husband is an "addict". from what you are describing he is addicted to sex. unfortunately, like any addiction, this has NOTHING to do with you (altho it does affect you), it is not YOUR problem, and YOU can't solve it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 7:36am

excuse me, but this is NOT about HER. her husband has an addiction - do you honestly think that is going to be cured if she wears sexy underwear? please, its bad enuf she has to go thru this, she needs support not people suggesting that she "tries harder".


yes, marriage is for better or for worse. from what she is describing, this had not been a marriage from day one. and not because SHE is not trying but because HE has major issues.... if he loved and respected her , he would not be doing this.


Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 11:07am

This is not a marriage - in fact, not having sex with your partner legally is ground's for divorce. Needless to say, you cannot remain in this situation as it is. First of all, your husband has a severe addiction to porn. Presently, he is sexually dysfunctional. Whether he realizes it or not, he is a married man and has a responsibility to you to have relations. His behavior indicates serious problems. In order to overcome an addiction to porn (and other sexual difficulty which his behavior suggests) he must receive professional care. There are organizations which handle addiction to porn (this is an addiction like any other)...and there are ways to obtain low cost counselling. This is not something which can be handled simply by conversation. Your husband is presently out of control of his behavior. He may not even wish to recognize the full extent of his problem, let alone to handle it. You need to let him know that you cannot go on any longer in this manner, because it is detrimental to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:28am
Thank you for trying to defend me. I do need support right now and I have no friends that I can talk to. I tried again tonight and he pulled away from me and went to sleep. It is 2:30 am here and I have to get up at 5:30 am and haven't been to sleep yet. I just need someone to talk to who will understand and not judge. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervious breakdown. All he told me was to pull myself together. How can I do that when I feel my whole world is collasping around me and there is nothing I can do.

Again thanks,

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2004
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 11:28am
hello. i just read your message and i thought i would send a reply. i was married for almost 4 years with no children. i didn't have the problem you have, but my husband was posting ads on the singles websites. he spent more time on it than he did talking to me. i was so depressed. after he continually denied what i caught him doing, i posted a fake ad to meet him and he fell for it. that let me see that he was seriously going to cheat.

now with your situation, he is addicted to it. he is not going to quit until he is ready to quit. how does he show you he loves you? what does he do for you? i understand you love him, but could you see yourself happier without the stress of his actions? it's never easy to get out relationships or get divorced, it's very hard, but i fear for some women it must be done for their sake. will he communicate with you about this? try talking to him and see where his priorities lie. if porn is before you, then you deserve better than him. take some time to map out your life. where you are now and where you could be. try to come up with a plan that will work for you (if he continues what he's doing). then if you have to divorce him you'll have a back-up plan for yourself. it won't be easy, but i've been there. life is too short to be unhappy. do all you can to salvage it, but if he's not willing to try you'll need to move on. i wish you the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 1:09pm

hey angel! i am so sorry for what you are going thru. i hate to tell you this - that no matter what you do, it is not going to make a difference.


i spent SEVEN YEARS like this - no sex, no love, no hugs and kisses.


SEVEN YEARS thinking "what is wrong with me?" "what am i doing wrong"?


SEVEN YEARS of feeling worthless. feeling like a "bad wife". feeling that *I* must be doing *something* wrong because otherwise *he* would be able to have sex with me.


SEVEN YEARS of being told that i was not attractive, that i was fat. that i was not trying hard enuf. that i was badgering him too much. (badgering??? is it so much to want to make love with your spouse??? at least ONCE in seven years?)


i even ended up getting cancer, and he was still the same lazy selfish SOB that he has been all along.


well ----- i came to ivillage a few years ago - and people said to me - hey, that is not a marriage. but i thought 'no, i am not going to get divorced. ' i got divorced once, didn't want to fail again. i had a son from my first marriage, thought the divorce would be bad for him. but you know - i did go to counseling, we went as a family at first, and i finally got the courage to say "ENUF!!!" I deserve better than this.


YOU need to get out of that marriage. even tho you ar enot the one with the problem but it is an unhealthy situation. and i bet that the sex is not the only problem - right? i bet that there are money issues - he is controlling the money and he is very cheap - am i right? and i bet that YOU are the one doing all the housework and he is complaining and complaining that its not 'good enuf'. I understand you have limited income - then try your local church or other non profit groups.

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