husband makes excuses for bad behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
husband makes excuses for bad behavior
4
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:12pm
I am not quite sure what to do about my husband's behavior. He likes to go out and see his best friend after work and will call to let me know. That's fine. It's just that he will never leave and I will be waiting on him because we have something planned or like this New Year's, it was a holiday and want to spend some quality time with him, so I will call and ask when he will be home. He always says "I'm right about to leave. I'll be home soon." and then a few more hours go by. It gets to the point I am furious and call him up again only to get yelled at for being upset. Sometimes he will even stay out till one or two in the morning! The big thing is he always gives me the same tired excuse "I lost track of time." I hear it over and over, I've suggested setting his watch or cell phone to go off but he just refuses to do anything about it. I am beginning to think he really just doesn't care or else he would try to be better wouldn't he? This has been going on now for seven years (since we got married). I have even threatened to divorce- although this is not the reason why- that would be because he refuses to work as he needs to to support the family so I end up working all day and sometimes into the night to support our family (2 children).

I just don't know how much more I can take or even if I should be taking it. He always makes me feel as if it is my fault and says it is just me misunderstanding what he is saying and that I am the reason he gets so angry. I'm tired of trying to explain my feelings to him and having him tell me that I am the reason he does this. Sometimes I even wonder if he is lying about his whereabouts too. He just keeps asking me to trust him "one more time." Seven years is a long time. I don't even know why I keep giving into the "one more time." Does anyone have any advice? I need help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 2:37am
Next time he says he'll be home soon, tell him, I'll wait 20 min, 45 min, 1 hour, (or whatever is appropriate to you) then I'm going to go do my own thing. And when he doesn't show up, go do something else. Don't be home one night when he get homes, stay out later than him. Shock him. (If you can LOL)

Then consider marriage counseling to help you learn some coping skills for the procrastinator, passive/aggressive person in your life.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 7:43am
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His behavior is SO classic! HE is wrong, so he turns the tables to make it seem like YOU are the problem and then you wind up defending yourself.

I would tend to agree that his "best friend" is probably not who he is pretending it is. And of course, that would explain why he refuses to set his alarm to remind him to come home...he doesn't want to!

I understand you have children and so it's not so easy for you to say that you're going out to spite him. And really, what would that accomplish? I doubt he'd care at this point.

He keeps asking you to trust him "one more time". What has he done to win your trust? NOTHING, in my estimation. Honestly, I think that if you think this so-called "relationship" is worth trying to save, you need to get a third party involved... a counselor. He or she will collect the facts from the two of you and will undoubtedly tell your husband that, if he values your marriage, his behavior will have to stop. He's acting like a child instead of a man. He either wants to be in this marriage or he doesn't - PERIOD.

I feel very sorry for you, having to live like this. He should be ashamed of himself...You deserve MUCH better!

Good luck...






Edited 1/3/2004 8:16:31 AM ET by bluewrite

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 1:30pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 9:16pm
Thanks. I'm feeling better than I did earlier at least. I appreciate all the support and advice. I would feel better if he didn't think I was hanging around waiting for him and I am tired of the excuses. I am debating the whole counselor thing still. I have an appointment but I am not sure if I should go yet or not. I would like to learn how to better deal with this behavior because he's not a totally bad guy. I would like to make sure I've done all I can before I make any big decisions that involve my whole family I just hate to spend 80 bucks on a 50 minute session you know? Ah well.

Thanks again. My husband is on his best behavior for now so far. We'll just see I guess.