husband may be cheating

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
husband may be cheating
6
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:18am
Sorry so erratic.. still emotional..

i recently caught my husband planning to cheat on me, but i didn't find these emails and profiles on these adult sex personals until a few days after the meeting may have gone down.. he was searching for woman in our city who are looking for men to have casual, one time sex with.. when i confronted him he said he wasn't really going to do anything, he was just looking for someone to have a relationship with.. because i fail at that with him, as he likes to point out, i fail at everything in our relationship.. i work too much, i play with our 6 month old son too much, i don't clean up enough, i don't cook enough.. i can't ever do anything right with him.. .we've been together since highschool, it's been 3 years now, and we got married when i was 6 months pregnant.. i think that he was trapped in a relationship that he wanted out of.. he tried to convince me to abort our son because he felt we wouldn't last long enough and he didnt' want to raise a little boy in a family who is torn apart through divorce or whatever, despite the fact that i had miscarried not 6 months prior and still hadn't gotten over it yet..

back to the point, he tried to tell me that he wasn't going to do anything with the girl whose email i found.. despite the fact that to this day 2 weeks later i am still finding profiles and things that he'd made up a month or so ago that are talking about having casual sex with someone... discreetly mind you.. and that he did save that email to a folder in his email called "just for me" after seeing pictures of her body online and sending her pictures of his online..

i just don't know what to think.. my mother told me to try to stick it out because we have a baby and i can't live on my own right now.. despite the fact that he doesn't work or help out around the house.. he hardly even feeds the baby right.. just bottles, never any real food.. well, baby food..

please help, i need advice.. i dont' want to be stuck unhappy in amarriage..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:24am
I don't think your husband may be cheating, I think he is definitely cheating. It's sickening the things you say he is doing. I see no reason for you to give him time as he doesn't even add anything to your relationship and doesn't invest in your son, either. He probably criticizes you all the time to take the attention off of how rotten he is. I wouldn't waste another minute with this guy. He'll just drag you down, and your son. Also, who knows what else he might be doing that you're completely unaware of. If he's not worried about your seeing those pictures, etc., there probably are other things he is concerned about and keeps well hidden. I feel bad for you, but in my opinion, it will probably only get better once you leave. You don't need him. Why would you? He doesn't do anything. Best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:49am
I was in your shoes nearly five years ago. I'm divorced now and I have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter. I found an income-based apartment, signed up for food stamps as well as housing assistance at the local Human Resources office. I did not have any help from my ex. However, I also signed up for a night course at the local college campus. They encouraged me to apply for a pell grant...and since then, I've been a full-time student. There is also a program called Child Connect (may be different in your area), that will help pay for child care services as well. I will be graduating with a BA in Dec. 2005.

So just remember that you always have options. You do *not* have to stay in a relationship either because you can't support yourself, or because you think it's the right thing to do for your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:22am
The first thing you need to realize is that you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for a moron of a husband. He is cheating, indefinitely. No matter what he says, a man who sends and receives pictures in order to have one time sex is not just doing it for fun. He's out there having sex with these women while you're cleaning the house that he insults when he gets home. The fact that you can't make it on your own doesn't help this situation, but have you thought of moving in with a family member until you get on your feet? I think it's better to raise a child having two parents divorced rather than having them stay together unhappy. At least then you have the chance to find a good relationship with someone that can be a good example to your son. Baby or no baby, you need to get out. He sounds ungrateful and he's putting you down for the things you do. You say you feel like you can't ever do anything that's good enough for him, so why try? Stop beating this dead horse and get out - and take your son with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:45am
'my mother told me to try to stick it out because we have a baby and i can't live on my own right now.'

Honestly I think that is the most disturbing thing I read in your post. This man is degrading you, isn't a 'husband' or 'father' in any sense, is compromising your health-(are you using condoms?), doesn't love or respect you, etc.

Plus what will you be teaching your child about honesty, relationship, lying, etc if you stay? How will she treat others and let herself be treated based on what she observed and learned from you. Your husband doesn't care but you should care enough about her to want what is best and teach her about values and love.

Please find a way to get out. Can you live with your parents? You can attach his wages for child support and get a job. Anything is better than this mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 11:55am

cheating or not (and it sounds like he is and/or was) - this marriage is extremely unhealthy for all of you - for you, your husband, and your child. this is no way to live. i understand that the pregnancy was unplanned - but hey, you didn't make this baby on your own!


time for you two to either make this work (by BOTH OF YOU getting help, marital counseling, by your husband going to parenting classes, etc) or break it up.


you have to live YOUR life, not your mother's life. it IS possible to be a great single mom. and the way things are right now is NOT good for your son.


sorry for this mess, its not easy. if you need further help re divorce, there is a great board here on ivillage


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsmartdivor


there is also a board for families harmed by adultry where you might find more specific help


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:16pm
While your mother is afraid for you and wants you to not be alone, she isn't giving you the best advice. I agree with all the responses you have gotten on this board.

Your husband is bored, has no motivation to change his situation, he'd rather blame you for all the world's problems, including those in the household. Not good.

Can you afford to keep the place you are in? If so, get him to move out. He's not working, so you are already paying the rent, right? If it's more than one bedroom, rent a room out, move in with someone else, parents, friend, look for low-income housing, etc.

My best to you on your decision.


Carrie