Husband Moving Out This Weekend

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Husband Moving Out This Weekend
5
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 9:07pm
My husband and I have been together almost 9 years, married three. We have drifted apart over the last two years. Almost a month ago he confessed to having an affair. The guilt was killing him so he told me. Also, I am 11 weeks pregnant. I wanted to use this as a wake up call and try to make the marriage work. We went to a few sessions of marriage counseling. However, he is completely emotionally detached from me. He says he doesn't love me and doesn't see how he ever could again. I was willing to admit to my faults and problems that contributed to the deterioration of our relationship and take steps to rectify those. He has refused to admit any real fault or discuss what his role in this is. The Marriage Counselor does not see any point to trying to help us save our marriage since he is so against it.

I did learn one important thing today, my husband no longer respects me and that hurts as much as him not loving me. I have tried over this past month to make it work, but nothing got through to him. So he will be moving out this weekend.

My heart is broken but I need to go on for my baby. Maybe one day he will come to his senses but maybe not. Either way, I can't let him treat me this way ever again. I need to work on my problems so I can be a better person for myself and for my little baby. It is just so hard. Here I was planning to raise a family together (he knew we were trying to have a baby, no trickery there) and he was moving farther and farther away. Kind of sad way for this innocent child to start out in the world.

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 7:00am
Well you cant save what you dont want to save...sounds like your husband checked out. Im really sorry for that.

As far as this unborn child is concerned, you will be amazed at the source of love and strength this baby will give you. If you have other children, you already know what I mean. Obviously a 2 parent home is the ideal situation but a loving one parent home, in my opinion is better than your child growing up witnessing a marriage fraught w/infidelity, anger and pain. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:36am
I agree with Bratgirl...your obligation is to the unborn child.

However, I'm a little disturbed by the term: "come to his senses!" There's more to your 9 year relationship than just a few problems...and I'm willing to bet they AREN'T all from your husband? Not knowing your personality, I can only sense that you probably nag or are constantly uptight about several things? And speaking for several members of the male population...we can only "fix so many things" while being sympathetic and supportive.

When a man hears the same 'unhappy tunes' over and over again...and has tried his best to change a few of the minor chords into something more pleasant (WITHOUT SUCCESS)...we're eventually going to get frustrated and avoid confrontation. I'm NOT suggesting your husband was justified in carrying on the affair with the other woman, but you sound like a lady who isn't satisfied with a lot of issues...one of which is...or rather, was...the man you married.

Am I mistaken?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 11:43am
I completely disagree with your response. To read this I was completely at fault. Marriage isn't about fault its about how two people react to each other.

I love my husband and I always tried not to nag or make him feel bad. I have my own issues that I have realized and I am dealing with, i.e. drank too much, put on weight, withdrew. I would never discuss problems, because I thought if I asknowledged them he would agree and leave. But the one thing I would never do is intentionally hurt him and that is what he did to me by choosing to have an affair rather then try to work on our relationship. Throughout this last month I have been very willing to discuss my faults and mistakes and have taken steps to start correcting them. However, he never once said what he did to contribute to the downfall of our marriage. For a man to have an affair and then walk out on his wife, life and a family for his unborn child is unexcusable. I'm not saying you should stay with someone when you are unhappy but you should try to make the situation work before you walk out. He checked out of this marriange the second the affair started.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 2:32am

hugs honey! this is not easy, it sounds as if you were willing to work thru things, even tho your husband is not. and this cannot be easy for you.


i think that it helps when you lose the word "fault". its not anyone's "fault" - it sounds like there were alot of issues in the marriage. and i am not condoning your husband's affair - just as i am not condoning your drinking and bottling up anger - ALL of these things contributed to the demise of the marriage.


if you haven't worked thru YOUR issues yet - then it would be a good idea to do so, now. even if you are not doing this "for the marriage" - you are doing this "for you". (and your unborn baby will benefit from this). you will be stronger and healthier, and it will be easier for you to deal with the rest of your life.


there is a board here called "surviving divorce" - you might want to post there as well.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 9:36pm
Well he is gone and 30 seconds after that so was my dinner. I am hoping that the time apart will be a good thing for us, god knows it couldn't get worse. In the last 24 hours he has finally seemed to be coming out of the fog that he was in. We had a good talk last night, he even brought up the idea that we could possibly get back together someday and that is why he doesn't want to sign a 1 year lease for an apartment. This morning was the first time he cried in front of me and actually let me hold him. And today he gave me a card that said "I will always love you and the baby no matter what happens between the two of us. I will be here for you and our child!"

I stuck a card in one of his bags that said I loved him and supported him and I understood why he had to leave right now. I also told him he was welcome back at any time and I would do what ever I could to support him right now. And when he is feeling lonely or at a low point to remember that he has a wife at home who loves him. I also put in a picture of us from a happier time.

I have to say I am calmer right now then I ever expected to be. Although I don't think I will be getting much sleep tonight. I just have to take the next few months one day at a time. I am going to FL in two weeks to visit some family, at least that is something to look forward to.