Husband Needs to Work

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Husband Needs to Work
7
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:40pm
I'm not sure I'm posting this to the right board, but here goes. My situation is this. I am 38 years old. Two years ago I took a severance package from my employer when it was bought out and decided this was my opportunity to take some time to spend at home with my two children. Prior to this time, my husband had been working for himself, first as a consultant (IT) and then he launched an internet service provider. Although DH is very smart and has a lot of skills/knowledge, neither business situation was very successful and I was the primary breadwinner as a result. Many times I tried to express that I was not happy continuing to work and I was not happy with DH's choice to continue working for himself. This generally got me nowhere, so I gave up asking for the sake of our marriage/kids. Before I decided to take the package at work, I discussed the choice with DH and we agreed that he would have to exit his internet company and find a job working for someone else. He was not happy with the way the business was going and was ready to move on, or at least I thought that's what he was telling me.

It was almost a year between this conversation and when I actually got the package and left my job. By that time he was no closer to extricating himself from his company. He was drawing no salary, no benefits, nothing. Four months later, he cut the cord on the company and started to work on a resume. He did some networking,, but didn't exactly "put it in high gear". Since that time he has had a handful of job interviews, but no offers. About 18 months has passed. I don't feel that he puts enough time and effort into his job search, but he tells me he is doing everything he can. This is hard for me to accept because he usually sleeps until 9am, reads the news, and involves himself in things that distract from looking for work. Sometimes these things are honorable -- he designed a new database system for a charity we support and he is chairman of a large fundraising event. Other times, he just plain avoids working (our basement would be proof of that, as well). Meanwhile, I have all the responsibility for the house, the children, etc. I would gladly accept this if I felt he was dedicating his time to his job search, but it's just not that way.

I realize these criticisms sound harsh. But, after so many years (10 +) of waiting for him to take more financial responsibility for our family I am left feeling very resentful and I feel hopeless. I had hoped my severance money would allow us to establish a financial net egg, but instead we have had to use it as our only source of income for almost 2 years now. To be honest, I'm mad about that too. The biggest problem that I see is that when I try to talk to him about my feelings, he just gets mad and puts the blame on me that I am being unreasonable. I think I've been reasonable, maybe too reasonable letting this go on for so long. I don't think that I'd truly be better off as a single mother, so I have stuck with it. Now, I look at the future and wonder how I will continue to live like this.

Any guidance that you might offer would be appreicated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 3:45pm
I can certainly relate. As my husband took a severence package a few months after we married. He joined me in my business ...but didn't really throw himself intop exactly: ) His credit cards maxed out & his $$ dwindled. In the meantime I was putting his resume out like crazy and eventually he took a job....making much less than at his old company..still it was something. I just found out that he did not put my son or me on his health insurance. Also my son's father passed away a few months ago & my present has since refused to assist me with our house payment or household bills. His first family comes first. Last week he told me that he was thinking of filing bankrupcy!We have been married 4 years. Our combined children are 33, 26, 21, 16 & 14. Mine are the oldest, a daughter and the youngest (our only son). I am at my wits end. Recentlt went on anti-depressants...(mild).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 6:12pm

I can understand how you are becoming resentful as a result of his lack of ambition. My problem is that you stated that you are tired of him not taking financial responsiblity for the family...who said it had to be him that was the breadwinner? At elst he is trying (by putting in resumes), but the market out there is scarce. Be glad that at least one of you has a job period, thats more than alot of other people can say right now....


Be patient.Be supportive.As hard as it is for you rightnow, im sure he doesnt exactley enjoy not being able to provide for his family...but you did say for better or worse, richer or poorer...


Best of wishes,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:36pm
I'm not saying he HAS to be the breadwinner. I did the primary breadwinner thing for over 10 years (I won't count the years before children)and accepted that it was how things were to be. However, it was our agreement that, after the layoff, I would take a step back from work in order to spend more time taking care of the family. I felt that I would enjoy this time, but it has been a disappointment because I am at home stressing out that he hasn't found work and we're spending down our savings (he also doesn't seem to want to cut back expenses in light of the financial situation).

I don't have a job now and I would expect his skills in the computer field would be more marketable than mine right now. I've been out of the professional world for 2 years now and that will hurt my prospects for going back to work -- if that what's it's going to come to. So, I'm afraid to say my patience and feelings of generosity are waning.

By the way, what do you consider trying to find a job? I'm not aware that he has sent out any resumes lately. Furthermore, if you are looking for a manager level position, experts will tell you that just sending out resumes is not effective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:01am
I started sending out resumes for my husband. I went to Monster.com & Flipdog.com. You can enter their resumes, which makes it easy to just click to send them out. I put our jopimnt e-mail & would forward the responses on to his personal e-mail. That way I when someone was interested. He finally saw one response that must have interested him, because he "followed up". Prase the Lord! However, after he was hired...I soon found out that he had not appreciated my efforts too much, as he chose NOT to put my son & me on his health insurance, which was one of the main reasons for my concern.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:03am
P.S.

Sometimes others can see another's skills in a different light, so it helps for someone else to match persons with jobs. The reason fopr head hunters- in part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 9:33am
Here's how it is....for 10 years you were the primary breadwinner and provider, the manager of the funds and the budget process. Why - because he did not want to be, does not value and prioritize doing it.

He likely didn't do well as an independent person...and you knew it. He didn't have professional ambition - he had "lots of potential". And you made acommon error - you fell for his potential, sure that you could mold and change his values and priorities and thus his potential would net great success for you.

But here's what you've found out.....in a nutshell. That a person's values and priorities justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, desires, and ideas. And those same values dictate their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue. And that at all times, people are doing what THEY want to do, what their values justify them doing, what their reasoning says is correct...to get the result they want to get.

You're seeing this from a "wolf a the door" perspective. You've always been motivated to achieve and ssucceed, to save, and to pursue.....despite your lack of desire for the work, sacrifice, effort involved - you've been willing to do it for the long-term good, gain and goal achievement. You've thought surely at osme point he'd see and adopt your approach

Throughout he entire relationship, and probably his entire life, he's done nothing but live in the moment, in great part letting his feelings determine his actions rather than goals determining his path...and now that you've refused to drive the "vehicle" that is your lives...he's NOT getting behind the wheel like you assumed he would when you stepped aside. You stepped aside as a threat, an ultimatum...and now you're terrified at the lack of driver and his lack of concern. You're now just going down the highway on cruise control, with him nonchalantly reading the paper, sleeping till 9am, designing data bases for charity organizations where he gets kudos and praise but no cash...you're terrified - he's not. HE's always "found a situation" that provided for him....and that is his approach to life. YOu ARE that situation for you and him...and if you don't get back behind that driver's seat out of "I'll show him"...what you're going to find is that the wreck and carnage that becomes your lives - he walks away from without much damage at all, and without much guilt or negativity at all. (rather like a drunk in a rollover who kills 5 people who "watched in horror" him driving at them and were frozen in terror and unable to respond proactively)

And you'll sit there broken and battered beyond recognition, it'll take you years to restore the semblance of order that you have at this moment, and you're likley NEVER to get beyond this level of success if you can re-achieve it - because you're not looking to "situations" to provide for you - you're relying on you to do it.

And the hard core reality is.......our society has plenty of women today who prioritized education, professional advancement and haven't yet gotten married or have kids...and they want "a relationship" with an educated, witty, intelligent, and charming man who they have no need of his providership or abilities - falling 'for his potential' is not the point because they're not going on his potential to bring them anything they haven't got or can't get on their own....and they're quite happy to have him as a "house-hubby" by their side. Women rarely fall into that situation or category....we got that when we were 20...and 30-something guys were buying us things, providing for us well if we so desired becuase we were "hot" they were "not".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:35pm
Right there (almost) with you girl. My husband was laid off 2 months after our wedding for 9 months and became this unmotovated, depressed slob who wouldn't consider even getting out of the house until he had a luxurious breakfast and had watched all 8 morning episodes of M*A*S*H. It was the worst period our marraige has gone through to date. I became angry and resentful, demanding and unsympathetic. I found that laying it all out for him and going for the jugalar got the best response, and pick the right time. Lay it all out for him. For example, "we have X dollars coming in, our monthly expenses are Y. We can't gamble not having medical insurance for much longer. Our soulutions are..." Take the buisness approach. They're a different breed that us girls, try to stay away from the emotional, he'll be more defensive. good luck!!!!!!!