Husband Or another married man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Husband Or another married man?
10
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:27pm
Here's my story.I've been with my husband for 5 years, been married for only a year and a half.My husband is a good guy, works hard, and we have fun together. My problem is that my husband can be controlling, and mean and it has to be his way all the time. He thinks I need to grow up (I'm 23, he's 26) and make my own decisions. But when I do, it's never good enough because it's not what he wanted. He checks out women in front of me, but I can't look at another man or he will get mad and say mean things to me. He has porn magazines all over the house and stays on the computer looking at it also. I know for sure he's not the to cheat, that's the one thing I do know. But, I found 2 condoms in his car, I never said anything and neither did he. I'm waiting until they come up missing, then I'll confront him even though it'll be too late I'll know for sure he's done something. If I confront him now he'll just say it was for us and he forgat them in the car. Anyway, about the other man. My friend and I went to a place where this guy worked, I didn't know him (he's 31), but my friend did. As soon as we met we felt a atrong connection. He told me he was married and has a baby daughter. So, I left it alone, I'm not the kind of person to break up a family. After a couple of days going with my friend to the place of work we would chat and got to know each other. Now, we talk on the phone and e-mail each other everyday. We never done anything, not even a little kiss. Just a hug when we see each other. We have a lot in common, his wife is to him like my husband is to me. I feel we can have so much together if we were'nt married and we can be happy.

Should I just be friends and leave where it's at, leave it all alone, or should we continue, which might end up with both of us divorced but happy? I think I'll be divorced anyway one day, I don't know about how soon it might be years. I think it's going to happen eventually one day. What should I do?
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:40pm
I think that you need to take things 1 step at a time.

First - your marriage. Either work out the problems in the relationship or call it quits. You don't have any children, so that is not a complicating factor. Whatever you decide, be faithful in your marriage. If you had an affair, not only would you be cheating on your husband, you would be cheating on yourself because you took vows to remain faithful in your marriage. No matter what your husband does, you need to be true to yourself.

Second - future relationships. If you ultimately decide to divorce, then don't get involved with anyone romantically until you are divorced and have had some time to heal. Make sure that you are a healthy person and you have disposed of all your baggage before you enter into a relationship with anyone else. Otherwise that baggage will just contaminate your future relationships and cause problems for you. Also, choose a man wisely. Don't get involved with a married man - that would lower you to the category of a home-wrecker and you would be openning your heart to a man who isn't availible to you. Neither is good for your long-term emotional health. Don't get involved with a man who is still carrying around his emotional baggage from a previous relationship either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 4:33pm
Hey, Thank you for the advice. The thing is that I tried talking to my husband (not about the other guy, I'm not crazy) but the way he treats me somtimes. You just gotta know him. I try to have a serious talk with him, but he does NOT listen, he makes everything my fault, even when I don't know what I did, most likely I didn't do anything. He never apologizes, He's always right. I try telling him how he makes me feel, and he says he doesn't give a f*ck. I've lost all of my friends except for 2. My cousin who he hates and we get in a huge fight just because I would go with her to visit family, and my other friend is the only he likes because my brother is best friends with her husband, and my husband gets along with my brother and his friends. Anyway, now I don't argue with him at all, ther is no point. I just keep everything bottled up inside. Ican't really talk to my friends about it because it makes them mad and they want to tell him something, which that'll just make things worse. So, that's kind of where the other guy comes in. I have somebody I can confide in and he'll cheer me up because he knows how it feels. I feel like I have somebody I can talk to and I trust him. We met 5 months ago, but it's like we've been knowing each other. We are just friends, but we both know how we feel about each other, that we are attracted to each other. We didn't mean for none of this to happen, we didn't go out looking for it, it's just like the pieces fell in place. I would HATE to loose him. Also, if I were to divorce my husband, he would ruin my life, anything good that would happen to me he would find some way to destroy it. TRUST ME! He can be very revengeful. I just feel TRAPPED!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 4:38pm
It's quite possible that this married man & his wife's sex life has suffered b/c of the baby, and he may be looking to get some from you b/c he's not satisfied at home right now. Giving you sympathy will make you fall for him, and presto! He gets what he wants.

Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. But I agree with the others who have told you to take it one step at a time.


Edited 7/22/2004 4:43 pm ET ET by countrygrlupnorth

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 4:47pm
What about if we just stay friends? Even though we are attracted to each other every time we see each other we will NOT let anything happen. We play it safe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 4:56pm
It's not the baby, it's just that he doesn't feel the same about his wife He hasn't seen her in a week, she went to her mother's because they were fighting. Also he's not the only one who's sex life has slowed. My husband doesn't want anything to do with me because he's to hooked up with porn. It's everywhere, the bathroom, living room, bed room, he watches it on t.v, and on the computer. He's not keeping me satisfied but yet he is, maybe that's why I'm willing to stray!!
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:39pm
If things are that bad in your marriage, then maybe the best solution is to end it and go your seperate ways. Then you would be free to find a man who will treat you with love and respect and whose values are more compatible with your own.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:53pm
You see the thing is if I would leave, I wouldn't be happy because he would ruin everything for me seriously. I don't have a job or experience because I never had a chance. I don't have a truck or car. I would end up living with my parents no job, no money no transportation, my parents can't afford to send me to college. If I did find someone he would ruin that for sure. Maybe I should stay with him, since I can stay home and just cook and clean and wait for him to screw up really bad that way it'll be his fault and he will know that for sure. He would have to have an affair, which I think he might be, but I'll wait and find out for sure
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 8:46pm
'it'll be his fault and he will know that for sure.'

You honestly think that he will take any responsibility for what he does? No matter what, he will turn it around and blame you. Think about it- you are attracted to someone else because things are bad with your marriage so he will tell you the same thing once he gets caught.

I can't believe you would rather live like this than move with your parents and start over. Get a job,, get financial aid at school. Do something instead of cleaning and waiting for him to admit that he has a prblem or you will be waiting forever.


Why do you think you deserve this treatment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 8:04am
So, you are saying that you don't really love your husband but instead are staying with him because:

1. You need a place to live

2. You need a car

3. You have no job skills so you need to be supported

4. He is controlling and would freak out if you left him

You are kind of using him, girl! Just for his paycheck. No wonder you are having problems. If you truly loved the man, you would not be cheating on him with the other man (Talking and sharing things with another man you are attracted to is cheating)

Why don't you discover why you do not like your husband, get into some marriage counseling and maybe you two can work it out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 10:45am
What should you do?? Since you asked I'll offer my opinion. First, I haven't read the other responses, I am responding here to your original post.

A little background. I am 37 divorced (was married 13 years), 2 kids ages 15 and 8.

I would suggest that you make sure that make sure you don't get pregnant with your husband before you decide for sure that you want to continue to be married to him. Otherwise you'll be stuck with this controlling man whether you like it or not. He sounds emotionally abusive.

I also would strongly suggest that you not take the relationship with the married man (MM) any further. It will lead to something that you will regret. It has already gone too far. Imagine what will happen if your husband finds out, or his wife. Please address your relationship with your husband and encourage your MM to do the same with his wife. Honor your committment with your spouse first. If you don't love him and can't honestly see yourself with him "forever". End it. End it before you get pregnant. You are so young.

I got married at 20, way too young.

I also got involved with a MM and just like you, I had no intention of being involved with him. I am not one to break up a marriage. He has kids too. But just like you, it started with harmless talking, then e-mails, then on the phone. There is always a way to justify it further, and before you know it you are hooked. Please don't go down that road. Get a divorce first..

Bottom line.......Address the issues in your marriage, counseling is a good start. If your husband is not willing to change and respect you and work on the marriage then you have some decisions to make.

You only live once!

Best of luck!!

~Love

Love