husband porn addicted, ruining marraige

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
husband porn addicted, ruining marraige
2
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 12:58pm
I know that men are visual creatures and love porn, blah blah, blah. But there are a couple problems with porn that are robbing me of a happy sex life with my husband. 1) Immediate gratification- my husband has learned to go to his computer porn when he wants sexual release. He no longer comes onto me. When sex does come up, it's just sex, no making love, no intimacy, no foreplay. The immediate gratification he gets from porn has taken away any desire he has to pursue me. and even when I pursue him, it's like coming onto a dead fish. 2) porn Perpetuautes total disrespect of women- At least 95% of porn is made to appeal to men, meaning the women are subservient, and slutty rather than strong and self-sufficient. What's worse is my husband is into the extrteme examples of this, like her head in the toilet, lots of blowjobs, gangbang type of crap, which is completely nauseating to me. This is really destroying our relationship. It's an addiction for him and it has been an ongoing problem between us for years. When I bring it up, he lies about it. I have to resort to finding evidence. We have huge fights about it several times a year, and they always end the same way- with him promising he'll stop and try to be more intimate with me. He'll throw out files and dvds of porn. But then it inevitably starts up again. I start feeling isolated from him and just get a feeling about it, agaian he denies, again I find eveidence, again we fight, again he makes empty promises, get the picture? It's so sad; I really love him and we have a 2 yr old and one on the way. But I've come to the realization that he's just not going to stop, and the lying just makes things so much worse because now I can't trust him either. I feel so isolated from him and kind of hopeless about having a healthy relationship. It's gotten so bad that I fear I must either resign myself to being miserable with him or try to find happiness without him. Has anyone gone through, or is going through a similar situation? Any advice or hope you can offer would be so greatly appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 8:49pm
My husband has become addicted to bondage(BDSM) sites on the computer and this too has been going on for a few years.We have been married 34 years so you can imagine how disraught I was to find out.The trouble is he showed no signs of this behavior in real life.He read up on the topic on the net so he could talk like a Master to cyber sluts and I found out.That was devestating for me and my grown children,yas,I told them they deserved to know the kind of man we have in our life.We went through counselling,fights,times not speaking,no communication and anything else that you may think about.Why didn't I leave?First it was a shock,then anger and then my self esteem took a beating as I read some of the emails I intercepted between him and these women.I want to tell you they were hurtful and I was completely humiliated.I can't tell you things will get any better,I wish I could but they do it because they can,They sit down at the computer and do whatthey want,when they want,how they want.They don't care that you are upstairs wishing there could be that same fasination with you.They are play acting,living in the fantasy world.I don't know if your husband is just looking or actually chatting in porn rooms but I do know he will probably not stop.Every time you are out of the room it will start.I am so glad if this was to happen it happened after our children were grown up.We have two wonderful children and two wonderful grandchildren but that's not enough for him.Fifty-seven years old and hurting a family that has been there all these years.What enjoyment could anyone get from hurting others?

I hope you don't think I am being negative or pessimistic to you but I know how frustrated you must be thying to raise one baby and getting ready to have another and your husband,your soul-mate,your love is doing something this awful.It's not fair and it sure isn't very thoughtful and loving.Do I wish I had left four years ago when I first discovered this,maybe,but I thought maybe,just maybe it to would pass.Now I am just worn down,my spirit is no longer what it was,I am depressed,sad,and lost.I have no close friends,he was my best friend...if he had passed away it would have been final but now we live or exist in the same house,thank goodness in seperate bedrooms and that's our life.We have nothing to talk about,nothing to laugh about and well nothing!

Do your best to try to get through to him if you are able,good luck.

If you feel you would like to talk off this board you could write me at

candyhaze@yahoo.com

In the meantime take care of you and those wonderful children God has given you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 8:55pm

Why are you staying with him if he won't do anything to change his behavior and you're so unhappy?