Husband Refuses to Give Up Friendship

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Husband Refuses to Give Up Friendship
1
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 6:05am
I would like some opinions on my situation: My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs, married for 4 yrs. I am 27, he's 31. Right before we got married, he met a girl in one of his college classes. She obviously liked him and he made it clear that he was engaged. My husband is the kind of guy that has always had closer friendships with women and I try to understand that, though I still get slightly jealous. So they became friends and probably a few months before our wedding, he started to get cold feet. He had a conversation with this girl, telling her that he was falling for her, but he was in love with me. She acted like she didn't know that he was engaged and responded by saying "Oh, well I'm dating someone." In the end, he figured out that I am the one for him, the one he wants to spend his life with and we got married. Fast forward to the present...my husband is still friends with this girl. I have never met her and I have no desire to. I've always felt uncomfortable with their friendship, but I also felt that maybe I was just being paranoid and insecure. We now live in a different state from her. They used to talk every few months or so and maybe an email or letter here and there. About a month ago, my husband visited with this girl while we were in town. Then a couple weeks later she came to our town and hung out with my husband. So she started acting "weird" towards my husband and started calling and texting him everyday for a week after she left. My husband and I were bothered by this. It became obvious to me that I wasn't being paranoid and insecure; this girl had feelings for my husband. My husband refused to believe me. My husband and I have been having problems in our own relationship and he has been having a lot of stress at work. Although we have problems, we still have a close relationship and I don't feel he's sharing info with her that he hasn't shared with me. Well, about a week or so ago, my husband asked her, straight up, if she had feelings for him. She denied it. My husband and I got in a big arguement over it because he still refused to believe she had feelings for him. A couple days later, he realized during a conversation with her that she does have romantic feelings for him and he told me he was done with their friendship. He said that he knew that she had those feelings all along (which bothered me because we fought about it just a few days before). He was really upset about losing the friendship because he considered her one of his best friends and he doesn't have many close friends. I, quite honestly, felt relieved. Then a few days later she calls him and they talked for like an hour. He said they're "agreeing to disagree", whatever that means. So they're friends again. I told him to be careful. I don't believe that he would cheat on me and he told me that I will never come second to her or anyone else. But basically since his life is so crappy right now, he doesn't want to end their friendship, despite the fact it bothers me and despite the fact she has feelings for him. I don't think it's a fair conclusion for either one of us girls. Am I being unreasonable?

Sorry the post's long...just had to get it out...Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 2:19pm
He's playing with fire and risking a lot to maintain a friendship with this woman, especially when he knows she is interested in him romantically. He's not set firm boundaries with her, because he likes the attention, loves the attention, probably even likes that it makes you concerned for the marriage.

Reading material:


Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?



Carrie