Husband says "something is missing"
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Husband says "something is missing"
| Tue, 06-22-2004 - 3:11pm |
I have enjoyed reading your columns. I have a problem (at least I think and feel that I do)or we do. My husband and I have been married for 4 years, he's 32 and I'm 42. I have two grown children from a previous marriage with grandchildren and he has an 8 year old son. We have been together for 7 years now, decided that we weren't going to have children together and medically can't now. Well, two weeks ago I had surgery and was laid up for two weeks, he helped me with everything. Well recuperating, he was also getting bored being at home all the time (otherwise we are active going places together). One night he said he was going to the store and left at 7pm, he didn't get home until 11pm that night. I asked where he went, he said walking around the department store then to the next town over (11 miles away) walking along the river, up and down the marina area just thinking. I asked what is wrong, he says "I feel like something is missing". He says that he doesn't know what. He's been avoiding me at times like doing things in a different room, he says he needs to breathe at times, cuz I do know that I smother him a lot because I like being around him all the time but he wants a little space. He's not as needy as I am, you could say. We had a very deep conversation where I broke down crying that I feel like something is wrong, he says there is no one else, that he's have a mid-life crisis but doesn't know why. He had tears in his eyes (which broke my heart to see my husband crying)I asked him what was wrong. He says it hurts him to see me hurting.
I've poured my heart out for some help, he still kisses me and says he loves me. Do I act like there is nothing wrong and let him deal with this mid-life crisis himself or do I give him space, we talk very openly with each other so that's not a problem.
When he comes home from work today I'm thinking of asking him if he wants us to go for counseling.
I will be waiting patiently for some advice. Thank you
I've poured my heart out for some help, he still kisses me and says he loves me. Do I act like there is nothing wrong and let him deal with this mid-life crisis himself or do I give him space, we talk very openly with each other so that's not a problem.
When he comes home from work today I'm thinking of asking him if he wants us to go for counseling.
I will be waiting patiently for some advice. Thank you

Your husband sounds and is acting like a man who wants out. He feels guilty, he feels sad, he feels bad. But he wants out and the feeling is growing every day. The mid-life crisis excuse is just an excuse, and a delaying tactic. He's having a hard time getting to the point where he says, "I want a divorce". But that's where his thinking is heading. The only thing you can do is wait for him to make up his mind if he will stay with you or not. It will do you no good to cry or talk to him about it. He already feels bad enough, and he knows how much this is hurting you.
When you two married, you were 38 and he was 28. That's an enormous age difference. Surely you must have imagined this was a real possibility. Your husband at 28 was too young to really know what he wanted out of life. Now he's finding out what he doesn't want. He doesn't want to be married to you. He wants to find out what he's missing. He's even told you this.
Try counseling if you want. But only your husband can decide if he's in this with you or not. At this point, he's got one foot out the door, and the other isn't far behind.
Wish I had better news for you but I don't. I hope you prepare yourself to face the reality of your situation, especially in practical terms (living arrangements, etc.). Best wishes.