Husband stays out all night

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Husband stays out all night
8
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 12:59pm
I need some opinions here. Two nights ago my husband of 1 year stayed out all night for the 3rd time in the last 6 months. The first 2 times he did this he did not call or answer his phone. And the other night he called at 2 am and said he would be out a little later to come home at nearly 7am. Meanwhile we have a 9 month old son.

I'm confused as to what to do at this point because I told him after the 2nd time he did this I would be out the door. Yet in so many other ways our relationship is good. And this always happens when he goes out with a particular friend. Who in my opinion is such a horrible influence, who drinks entierely too much and is basically a loser in his actions. His friend is going to jail in 2 days for a DUI.

So what do I do now, do I leave? And at that point, I don't want to leave my home, I work from home and it was his wrong doing, so should he leave? And if so, how would I go about making him leave for a while so he knows I'm serious?

Any sugguestions would be helpful.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:24pm
Hi there,

I read your post and wanted to let you know before you go leaving or making him leave. I highly recommend sitting down and talking to your Husband. I was married for almost three years, I am recently divorced. My XH used to do this to me all the time. He would stay out and come home at 8 AM, and be completely wasted, then he would try and tell me it was just a guy thing. What ever! But there was not talking or rationalizing with my abusive XH. But I am hoping your husband is different, talk to him tell him why it makes you mad that he stays out all night, and set a compromise out that you both can agree to. But my thought is take care of it now, before it builds in your thoughts and it will erupt so much worse if you hold it in.

Good luck!

__________________________________

Thoughts from George Carlin:

There are some great lessons to be learned here!





> >> The paradox of our time in history is that we have

> >> taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider

> >> freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,

> >> but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have

> >> bigger houses and smaller families, more

> >> conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees

> >> but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,

> >> more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but

> >> less wellness.

> >>

> >> We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too

> >> recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get

> >> too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read

> >> too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

> >> We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our

> >> values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate

> >> too often.

> >>

> >> We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

> >> We've added years to life not life to years. We've

> >> been all the way to the moon and back, but have

> >> trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

> >> We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've

> >> done larger things, but not better things.

> >>

> >> We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul

> >> We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We

> >> write more, but learn less. We plan more, but

> >> accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to

> >> wait. We build more computers to hold more

> >> information, to produce more copies than ever, but

> >> we communicate less and less.

> >>

> >> These are the times of fast foods and slow

> >> digestion, big men and small character, steep

> >> profits and shallow relationships. These are the

> >> days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier

> >> houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick

> >> trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one

> >> night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do

> >> everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a

> >> time when there is much in the showroom window and

> >> nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can

> >> bring this letter to you, and a time when you can

> >> choose either to share this insight, or to just hit

> >> delete.

> >>

> >> Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,

> >> because they are not going to be around forever.

> >>

> >> Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to

> >> you in awe, because that little person soon will

> >> grow up and leave your side.

> >>

> >> Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you,

> >> because that is the only treasure you can give with

> >> your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

> >>

> >> Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and

> >> your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and

> >> an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep

> >> inside of you.

> >>

> >> Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for

> >> someday that person will not be there again.

> >>

> >> Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time

> >> to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

> >>

> >> AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

> >>

> >> Life is not measured by the number of breaths we

> >> take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:46pm
I agree with you. And we have had many of these discussions about how it makes me feel and he agrees it isn't what he wants to do and says he'll never do it again and that our son and me are the most important things in his life. He is a great talker, and quite convincing....but then it happens again. We did talk yesterday, and I told him how it makes me feel. Which is worried, angry, concerned and also afraid that he will be anything like my father, who was an alcoholic who pulled this kind of stuff regularly while I was very young and my parents were still married. My dad is in jail right now and has been on and off ever since I can remember. I just fear in some way that he could be anything like my father. But at the same time he needs to grow up and take responsibility for the decisions he's made. Like getting married and having kids (he has a 5 yr old from a previous relationship). And again, it only happens when he goes out with this particular friend. Last night I suggested he not go out with this "friend" anymore. He didn't like it, but said fine. But i just don't think I should have to restrict him like that. I don't want to be the bad guy or the controling wife. But I feel like his night of "good times" chips away at the foundation of our marriage which is trust and dependability. and then I just wonder.. I threatened if he did it agian that was it, and I feel like I should honor my word in some way. Even if it is just temporary seperation for now. Anymore thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 2:10pm
My husband and I were married for two and half years and living together for over three and a half. We’ve known/dated each other for just over six years. Going into the relationship, we hit it off right away. We were physically attracted to each other. While I was only 17, I was not emotionally developed so partying and having fun was all we had in common, which brought common friends. Our relationship was built on partying and going out every weekend. About two years into our relationship (dating) he found out that I cheated on him, he went pretty psycho (hitting things, taking me for rides in the car and pushing me and my belongs out of the car… and so the torture began) and HE decided we could work through it. He ended up cheating on me to get back at me. But I was so wrapped up in the notion of being in love, getting married and buying a house that I just went along with the motions. Unaware of my real feeling such as why I cheating on him. I found the love again or so I thought about three years into our relationship. We ended up buying a house together and getting engaged. I wanted to settle down and stop the parting, I would make him lunch every day and wanted to stay in on the weekdays, I thought that is what he wanted to. Well he didn’t he was still in the party mode. So when he wanted to go out with his buddies, I would get very upset, and I hated how much he drank. I would tell him and it would get better and then eventually go back to the way it was. We would fight and he would call me his mother and that he doesn’t need anyone controlling his life. Well, I loved him and I loved our house, so I kept the engagement going. I remember the first time I really felt betrayed by him. I was getting my hair done on a Sunday after we both had went to bachelor and bachelorette parties and didn’t see each other all weekend, he called and told me he was going to see an old “friend” GIRL in the city. I said we haven’t seen each other all weekend, why don’t you wait and I will go with you. HE said NO. I begged him to see why I did not agree with this but he didn’t want me to go so finally I said if you go I will leave, and our wedding is off. He went. It made me so sad. I left, but came back after he called and called and begged for me to come back and it would never happen again. We ended up getting married. Six months after we got married I found out that he had joined a chat line called lava life, I found his ad on there and it stated, “I am a very attractive man looking for an intimate relationship with many girls between the ages of 18 – 40.” I was devastated and hurt, I confronted him and he told me he was just bored at work. Once again I forgave him but this time it was very hard to forget. There are my other incidences with him not coming home when he tells me he will. Saying his going to cut back on his alcohol and drug use. But nothing changes. Recently, I told him that I cheated on him back in April when he went away for the weekend, with a girl. At first he was very turned on but he is mad, now and tells me he cannot trust me. I think I might have cheated on him because I am not emotionally getting what I need from him.

So at this point things have been very verbally abusive and emotionally, (one physical incident I can remember before this was on our honeymoon he stayed out partying all night and at three in the morning VERY WASTED (he doesn’t remember this) came into the room and because I wouldn’t ‘t do it, he proceed to hit me and kick me off the bed, and call me very mean names, I went to sleep crying thinking is this how my life is going to be?!) then the physical stuff starts… September 2003

We had a huge blow, two weeks ago because I have a guy friend that he thinks I am cheating on him with, but I swear I am not. The fight got so bad he was holding me down on the bed, choking me telling me he hates me and if murder were legal I would be six feet under ground right now. I called the cops and ended up leaving for the weekend. When I came back on Sunday, we agreed after hours of arguing and talking we both wanted to work things out. Then October 1, I got a call from my husband and he said he had bad news. I said what, (since we were trying to work things out) I was thinking oh no. He said my work changed my schedule to 3 PM - 11 PM. (I work 7:30 - 4:00). I said well that sucks but I guess it's better than not having a job and I told him we would talk about it later, when I got home.

Then an hour or so later he calls me again screaming the cops are at the house and he is getting arrested because there is a warrant out for his arrest. REASON: He was a jerk to the cop on 9/12/03 when I called for domestic violence, it was the time he had me on the bed choking me telling me if murder was legal I would be buried 6 feet underground. So I had foils in my hair and couldn't leave, for at least 45 minutes. I left and went to the police station to get him; I didn't know you had to have cash. Well, some one must have told him that I came to get him with no money he called me screaming you better get the money and get me this is all your fault... (It wasn't I didn't press charges the state and the police officer did because they said they felt my life was in danger.) So I ended up getting the money and had to fight with the police officer to let me get him out because he said that these things only get worse the first time he touches you in a violent manner... it gets worse and worse. I told him that I had to get him out I had no choice. So they made me wait by this time it was 8:30 PM, I got him out as soon as we were outside the jail, he started screaming at me calling me the C _ _ _ word, that is his favorite word to call me he calls me that all the time. Telling me that this is my fault, and starts walking well it was cold and he had a T-shirt on. So he got in to the car with me and started spitting at me and on my car punching the car and ripped the rear view mirror off. Telling me that no one loves him he has a wife that hates him and I took him away from his family and they all hate him too. It is all my fault because he treats me like a queen and is always worried about me and I don't care I want and I never give him anything back. He told me because I make 25K less then him in a year that when I leave him he will be so much better off he is going to have more money and he will be able to do what ever he wants because he won't have me his mommy to live with any more. He is sick of living FOR other people and especially me. I made him into an angry person and that is not who he is. He is different. We got home he started telling me that He should put my head through a wall then there would be a real reason for him to be in jail. He took our kitchen chair through it and kept banging it on the floor until it broke into pieces. He took my head and slammed it into the refrigerator, and took a piece of the wooden chair and held it to my neck telling me he should stab me with it and kill me. And when we do end up breaking up, all the guys I flirt with and think I am hot when they really get to know me they will be running, and I will never find any one that lives up to my unrealistic expectations.

He left... went to a bar and was drinking by himself... called me around midnight telling me that he loved me and that he just doesn't think this is going to work out I made him into a monster and took him away from his family and that I am mean and disrespectful that I make him jealous. He came home at 2:30 AM and got into bed with me and started hugging me telling me he was sorry... I get up at 5:45 AM, I got up and got ready and told him he need to get up for work this was 6:45 AM, he wouldn't move, he said I called in sick.

Then October 4 pushes me against the wall holding me so hard he leaves bruises on my arms… holding my mouth shut telling me to shut up… I am making him psycho…

Nov. 1, I come home late, really late, and he threatens to kill my friend and me. I move out, moved back in Nov. 12. November 14, he wanted to go out with his friends so I went out and ended up meeting up later where he was. He got mad because I was flirting again. And went home, and through all my cloths out and broke my TV into pieces on the front lawn. I didn’t even go inside, I just called the police; he was arrested for criminal damage to property. I moved out that night never returned. I got divorced on 6/15/04.

Since then, I have found and remodeled my condo, I have started a business. I love my life. I found a wonderful boyfriend that shares in my happiness and doesn’t deplete it.

I guess the reason for me sharing this story with you is to let you know you are not alone. Not sure if that helped or not, but I wanted to let you know I feel for you, I know how horrible it is to wonder why they do the things they do… and I feel like what you are going through now (a internal struggle) I was once going through and then finally, one incident finally makes you wake up and say wow, I have had enough!!!! And that is when you need to make the decision if you want to separate or not. But don’t threaten it unless you are serious!


Hugs, Christina

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 2:43pm
Wow, that is quite the story Christina. I'm so glad that you find yourself in a much better place now. I'm still unsure of the exact steps to take but will keep you posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:05pm
Really quick, before you take any drastic steps, because divorce and separation hurts so bad. Do a few things... Think about what you want and what will make you happy. Keep a journal everyday even if you don't think you have anything to write about, write at least a half of a page about how you felt that day and what made you happy and what made you sad. Over the course of the next few weeks make a list of the things you need from your husband to be happy and then a list of things you can compromise with him on. Start to focus on yourself and making yourself happy. Tell him that you want to discuss your relationship and be honest with him. Tell him your needs and wants and ask him what his are. Then you can make a more educated choice as to save this relationship or move on.

Hope his helps... sorry if it doesn't

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:18pm

This is serious behavior on his part and you are right to want to handle it. Asking him to leave can become complicated. You do not know how he will respond or what the consequences will be. You also do not know exactly what's going on during these all nite stays.


I suggest you get yourself a counsellor or professional to work on this with - someone who can guide you through whatever steps you choose to take. In your mind if you ask him to leave, it will be just to make a point to him. However, as I said before, you do not know if he'll go, or how he'll take it, or what the outcome will be. You should be prepared for the entire situation. You should also have an opportunity to deal with this with him openly and clearly before you resort to such a tactic. Tell him you're seeking help with what is a very serious situation now. Let him know you intend to take action. Ask him to come with you. Tell him that this behavior jeopordizes the marriage. Communicate up front. See if he'll go for help with you. See if it's at all possible to work it through. Asking someone to leave is something one does when there is nothing left to do. Many people will not return once they go.


Become completely clear before you do anything. Go get some good guidance and support.

Mental Health Support and Relationship Advice


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:40pm
thank you for your message Dr. Shoshanna

I agree with you completely. I do think there are steps that need to be taken before separating even if it is temporary. I just want my point to be made to him and don't know how to make it so he finally understands. I would love to go to counseling but it seems like they are all so expensive. Do you have any suggestions for other alternantives?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 6:52pm
Sounds like you've talked enough....he continues to get away with it so he continues to do it.

Consider this book:

Should I stay or Go: How Controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage, Lee Raffel and Jean Jouston

Then talk about one of these scenarios - I think it's great you have a friend you can have fun with. I realize I'm worried for valid reasons - the guy is going to jail for a DUI, he's not safe when he parties and if you are with him, I'm worried you won't come home because you will be dead. I'm left with two choices, to shut up because you already know how I feel and nothing changes, though the 'story' I get is a good one and puts off my second choice, which is to ask you to leave. Because in my book, if you are going to act single, you may as well be single. The only other way I can see fixing this is to ask you to go to marriage counseling with me.


Carrie