husband told friend about fight

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
husband told friend about fight
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Mon, 12-08-2003 - 11:16am
i thought that my fight with my husband was over until i heard him discussing it with one of his friends on the phone. i was in the next room and i heard him mention my name. so i began to listen. that's when i heard him saying that he didn't think that what i say and believe are the same things and discussing the fight like we were still fighting. in my family we were never supposed to talk about personal things with other people outside the family. so i was extremely embarrassed when i heard him doing this and extremely mad that he wouldn't come to me and tell me how he really feels. was this considered badmouthing and was i wrong to get mad at him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 6:35pm
your husband can't possibly deal all this fighting and pressure by himself... unless he wants to drive himself nuts. i mean i would talk to my friends about it if i were having fights with my husband, its just too much to handle. talking to a friend really helps releasing the pressure. maybe you were taught to keep personal things within the household, he may not be raised the way. he may need support from somewhere else, just get it out of his chest. when people are mad they don't say pretty things either. so before you get mad, try to see it from his point of view. but if he's really bad mouthed about you, you need to talk to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 7:11pm
While I agree with this part: Confidants, by definition, aren't the gossipy type.

I've seen and heard many times, that the person that you are confiding in can over time 1) build up resent me against the person you are sharing about a) because they hear the same complaints over and over again b) or they think you are doing nothing to change the situation or 2) if it's an opposite sex friend, then you run the risk of the person developing feelings for you, because you are sharing intimate, emotional things.

There are two radio talk show hosts (one male and one female) that broadcast that sharing intimate details about your relationship is a betrayal your SO. One wrote a book: 10 Things Couples do to Mess up Their Relationship, by Dr Laura.


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 7:41pm
I've heard Dr. Laura's comments on this subject, and while I do agree that she has a point, I also understand that people need to vent and they need to confide in people. I don't believe this is a black and white issue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 7:51pm
Amen.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 2:26pm
Just my two cents worth, but...It's hard to accuse someone of a betrayal of trust when they *may* not have know that you would see it that way. While I personally agree with you, that some things between a couple need to stay between the couple, it's also important for all people to maintain the relationships with their friends, so that they are reminded that they are also individuals.

Let me first play devil's advocate and point out something that may not have occured to you. While your husband may have discussed an argument with a close friend who he trusts, you are disscussing that same argument with potentially thousands or strangers, even though it well may be under the condition of anonymity. If it is only the betrayal of trust that you're concerned with by him not coming only to you, then be careful pointing fingers...

So...if there are some things that you aren't comfortable with your husband talking to his friends about, then you need to discuss that with him--lovingly and respectfully, as all requests about our partners behavior outside of our direct interactions should be. If it hurts your feelings for him to discuss the details of an arguement with a friend, then discuss that with him, but allow him to present his reasoning on why he did so, or why he does so if it is a habit to him. As much as a man's friends can potentially give "bad" advice about relationships, they can also be a saving grace, and allow the man to vent and calm down before going back to his wife "half cocked" and looking for a fight.(I would suggest that you be honest as well about maybe feeling more comfortable with this forum, where your identity and privacy are a little more safeguarded, so that you're not accusing him of doing something that you yourself are in a way guilty of...)

After you've worked out an agreement about what topics should/will stay inside the confines of your household, then you can take issue with him doing otherwise. As far as *this* particular incident, however, don't allow something that you and your husband hadn't set up clear guidelines on beforehand to create hostile feelings between you. You'll only end up having another argument that *might* be discussed with people you didn't intend to hear about it... (I'll let you in on a secret--hubby and I had a similar problem with his brother and our very personal conversations, so we had to discuss it to stop the feelings of mistrust...) Good luck!

Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 10:12am
I don't think that you were wrong. Women or more emotional than men anyway. I feel like he should have discussed it with you. Usually that's what people do when their upset and can't talk to their loved one's they usually confide in their friends. I wouldn't worry about it too much because obviously he feels like he can trust this friend. If I were you I would start confiding in my friends more. Everyone needs a support system outside of family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:39pm
I understand you're upset, but isn't it reassuring he can express his feelings. He obviously didn't want to agrue with you anymore, he just wanted to express his feelings about the disagreement to a friend. Happy Holidays!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 10:07pm
Well one time after a huge fight with my DH in the early years of our marriage, he went storming over to his friend's house and proceeded to unload all his anger at me.

To his surpise (I found this out much later) his friend proceeded to take *my* side of it without even hearing my side! He told my DH that he was acting like a fool, that he had a wonderful wife, one that most of his friends were envious of, someone that they would love to have as a wife. He told I was a wonderful mother, good cook, welcoming to all his friends, and an all-around good person. And that if he didn't start treating me better, there would be plenty of men around that would be more than happy to step in his shoes! This gave me a good feeling, not so much that he 'took' my side, but that one of DH's friends would actually step up and be blunt with him in this manner. It took DH by surprise, but hearing that from his friend meant more than me whining 'But I'm a good wife, why can't you treeeeat me better?'

I've never had a problem with DH discussing *most* things with friends (intimate matters are off-limits), but often discussing it with a outsider can give you a perspective you wouldn't have gotten from your spouse when there are emotions involved. I wouldn't say I'd be happy if he discussed everything with everyone, or gave out private details, but it's a rare person that doesn't confide in someone else once in awhile.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 1:22am
i know how you feel, my boyfriend always involves other people in our realtionship. when we have a fight his whole family knows....hell even call his family in the middle to involve them. it is very embrassing because people start to think things after awhile, and always put down your relatiobship, i have talked to him about it and he says hell stop, but it never happens. girl, theres not much to do. and trust me i know exactly how you feel. just talk to you man though about it, and see what he has to say
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 2:36pm
girl i agree with you your husband has no business telling his friends or family etc. about your personal business. You need to discuss this issue with him, and tell him how you feel.

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