Husband too controlling - HELP
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| Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:14am |
I am looking for some good advice or feedback. I have been married for 8 months now. Second marriage, I have 3 kids from previous marriage, 2 of which lives with me, the other is 26 and on his own. My husband has been increasingly more controlling over the past months. He has changed since we got married. He insists on going to Church every Sunday, even if I don't feel like it or feel good. He is insisting my 12 year old go also. It runs for about 2 hours and it is a bit much for my 12 year old sometimes. If I mention I don't feel like going or my son doesn't, my husband gets real angry. My husband insists on reading the Bible every night. Now, he is starting to preach to me. Lately, he has forbidden me to even have a drink. Now, I admit, sometimes I will have a glass or two of wine and get tipsy, but he has forbidden me totally, claiming I am an alcoholic. He says it is against God and claims that I am an alcoholic. That my body belongs to him and God, not just mine anymore. therefore I should keep it healthy. I am told to wear my hair long and not cut it.
The other night, while lying in bed, he started in on me, how I am a drunk, that if he knew before we got married, he would never have married me and that marrying me was the worst mistake of his life. He further went on to say that my 26 year old didn't come to see me on Mother's day as he doesn't want to be around me anymore (not true, he went away and called me to take me out to dinner another day). We are planning a Church ceremony in July. My husband said that we are going to tell the minister that I am an alcoholic, and if I don't, the Church ceremony is called off. (That day my wedding dress was delivered to me). Finally, he insists that I see a "Christian" counselor. (What about a counselor of my own chosing?)
Honestly, I am feeling like I am losing my identity and my mind little by little each day until I finally turn into a puppet.
What should I do? Or am I overreacting? Please advise.
God Bless.
Nancy

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you are NOT overreacting and he IS controlling and abusive. honey you need to get yourself and your kids OUT of there. if you won't leave, then definately get to some counseling. if he will only agree to go to christian counseling, then at least try that. hopefully the counselors are halfway normal.
there is nothing "wrong" with having a belief in God, in reading the bible, going to church, adopting "religious" behavior. but it is "wrong" when people start hiding behind "religion" and "God" and turn into a self-rightous, controlling, abusive, pigs, and then say that THAT is God's will. that is NOT God's will. God does not want sad and abused women and children.
please - get yourself some help!
and on another note: I know you don't need any more lectures, but if you do have a drinking problem, if you do get drunk - then that is something you need to deal with.
Did you know that Jesus Christ sat and drank wine with the drunkards and prostitute's? He did so to witness to them because they were the ones that needed God's grace the most. They needed his COMPASSION, understanding and forgiveness. Drinking is not a sin, becoming DRUNK is a sin. God gave us wine for our bodies to help cleanse them. He , however, does not want us becoming drunk from the wine.
Your husbands seems to be hung up on "earning" his way into heaven. Salvation is a gift regardless to your sin. ALL men sin, even your husband. Your husbands controlling behavior and lack of compassion could be considered more harmful then a glass or two of wine. Your relationship with God is up to YOU and your spouse cannot force you to be closer to God. Nor can your spouse force you out of a bad habit or addiction. God teaches us to deal with addictions or habits with forgiveness and compassion.
Your husband wants you to go to a legalistic christian counselor to try to change you or scare you. You need to be firm about who you are and if your husband can't handle you as you are then he needs to end the marriage. Tell him that your drinking is between you and GOD and you wil deal with it in due time when YOU are ready. Also you will choose to worship as you see fit.
My husband doesn't like it either but he admits that I don't get "drunk" or act silly. He is a christian also but he has learned that I have to deal with my habits on my own, when I am ready. He is much more disciplined then me, he just up and quit smoking three years ago with no problem. So, at first he thought I should just stop like he did. He realized that it is a personal choice to deal with addiction and you can't force it on someone.
Thanks so much for your advice. It makes perfect sense. We belong to a non-demoniational Church, I just recently was saved (I think). I have come much closer to God since my auto accident last September, but honestly, I can't say I am as passonate as my husband or others in my Church. I do pray, I do believe and I try to serve God in my ways. I have been striving to play my violin and play Christian music to reach out to God through my music. I can really commune with him when I play. I also donate time to the Church, in serving God. But honestly, there are times, when I don't feel well, that I just want to stay home Sunday morning and rest. I work a long week at work, take care of the house, and kids, and just plain ole run out. Lately, I feel like my husband is really stepping up the whole Christian thing to the point that it is starting to turn me off and I am starting to pull away from what I just recently have grown closer to. I am starting to feel resentful and pray because I am told to, not because I want to.
As far as dealing with my demons, I have asked God for help with that, and he has helped. I am much better now, and I only have a glass of wine with dinner and control myself. That is my own way of self-control. I may need to work more on that. But, bottom line, I didn't deserve to be hurt and humiliated as I was. To tell me that my own son didn't want to be with me on Mother's day was so hurtful. It isn't true, he was away. I have a feeling however, that my kids are starting to stay away because of his behavior, not mine. God wants us to have our own free will, and I want to keep mine, but am losing it each and every day. If I give my own free will up to anyone, it should be God.
I would like to talk to you more about Spiritual aspects, woman to woman, as I don't get a chance to, should you like.
Thank you for you advice and God Bless you.
Nancy
Others take salvation more slowly as you and I do. I stay home from church sometimes and I have my doubts sometimes as well. Thats natural and God understands, I pray and I deal with things directly with God. We are suppossed to go to church to feed our spirt to energize us throughout the week. Sunday is the sabath day and if you are tired REST that is what sunday is for ...rest.
I had an uncle who was basically a drug dealer and a pornographer. He cheated numerous times on his wife, then he found God. He became extrememly radical and actually pushed certain family memebers away from God. He showed up on my Mother's doorstep one day and told her that God told him that if she kept smoking cigarettes she would go to HELL!! My poor Mother had just been saved and tried very hard to quit, this really hurt her and she talked about it for years what my uncle had said to her. Jesus died on the cross, when you accept him you are saved...period.The holy spirt will speak to you from within and you know right from wrong from the moment you are saved.
As far as your husbands behavior, GOD doesn't want him making you feel this way. He is suppossed to honor and respect you and let God deal with your sins. Christian counselling may be a good thing. If you express your feelings to a Pastor, he may tell your husband to show more compassion and not speak so vilely to you. Christian counselors are trained to deal with these things. However, I feel psychiatrists are totally acceptable also.
Good luck keep me posted.
I do not care how mad people get at eachother, and I do not know your situation, even if you did have a drinking problem, you never say abusive things like "marrying you was the worst mistake of my life!!"
Remember this rule of thumb. Anyone you are with should want to build you up!! and make you feel great!! Not tear you down, and make you feel bad.
He has problems. His world is abusive, and he wants to take you down with him. my ex was like that.
And what did I do? I GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT The FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF out of there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never looked back, and me and my son are so thankful for it.
I am sure there is more to your story than what you typed but my first reaction was "what a whacko - I would bail."
I wish you luck and strength.
God Bless
Jinxy
Because you are a Christian, you need only seek your answer in God's word. I found this helpful:
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Men, Women and Abuse
William Gaultiere, Ph.D.
Tragically, some people misunderstand or twist the Bible to think that they should tolerate or even submit to abuse. Sometimes this is due to a misinterpretation of what the Bible says about husband and wife roles. Other times people mistakenly think that since Jesus was silent when he was scourged and crucified then they should just take it when someone abuses them. The Bible teaches both men and women to serve others with humility and respect, especially in marriage. At the same time, we are also taught to set boundaries when others sin against us or are abusive to us.
1. Men and women are both encouraged by Jesus to humble themselves as little children (Matthew 18:2-4).
2. Those who want to be most important should seek to be least important (Luke 9:48, Mark 9:33-35).
3. Those who want to be great leaders should seek to serve others as Jesus did (Matthew 20:25-28).
4. Wives and husbands are to submit to each other, following Jesus' example of humble service (John 13:12-17, Ephesians 5:21).
5. For a husband to be the "head" of his wife is for him to follow Jesus' example of being a servant-leader who did not lord it over us, but sacrificially gave himself for us. Husbands are to love their wives, give themselves up for their wives, care for their wives as they care for their own bodies, just as Christ does for the church. The wife's role of submitting is in this context. (Mark 10:42-43, Ephesians 5:22-28, 1 Peter 5:1-4).
6. When we're angry at a loved one who has mistreated us we're encouraged to express our anger by speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15, 25-26).
7. Violent behavior, perverse speech, and injustice are evil (Proverbs 8:13, 13:2, 24:1-2, 28:5).
8. We are to avoid, shun, and hate evil - abuse is evil (Proverbs 3:7, 8:13, Romans 12:9, 1Thessalonians 5:22).
9. Like Jesus, we should not submit to evil or let others control us (Matthew 12:15, 16:21-23, John 6:15).
10. When we are sinned against Jesus encouraged us to confront the person in private. If he doesn't listen then we're to bring one or two witnesses along. If he still doesn't listen we're to withdraw ourselves from him until he changes. (Matthew 18:15-17)
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN LEARN:
11. Withdrawing from someone who continually sins against you is important self-protection and IT IS THE BEST WAY to help the one who violated you (1 Corinthians 5:5, Titus 3:10-11).
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I was going to Christian counselling at the time of the separation. It was couples counselling (which I highly DO NOT recommend in these cases) I went a couple times on my own to 'work on my problems'. Turns out, my real problem was his controlling, manipulative sense of entitlement to mold me into his image of who I should be, using what ever means necessary. That is abuse and is actually stbx's problem, not mine at all. The counsellor set up an appointment for the three of us and told me not to attend. He actually assisted me in getting stbx to understand why we needed to separate. And counselled him to do it with the least disruption to the children as possible.
Nancy, state very clearly to your H that *God* is your highest authority (the 1st commandment) and you are putting your faith in *Him* to convict you of the areas of your life that need improvement. Tell him you are praying that he will seek that for himself.(and then pray). Tell him he must back off. If he really feels that he must have your compliance to these rules of his or the marriage is over, then so be it because you will not live like this any longer. Your H's behaviour toward you appears to be very much 'with hardened heart'. The Bible states that as the reason for specifics on the Christian perameters of permitted divorce.
There is a board here at ivillage that has a lot of info you'd be interested in. It's called Recognizing and dealing with domestic abuse. Come and lurk. You'll read posts that could be describing your H and your life. Like I said, you do not have to be hit to be abused.
Your H's distorted version of Christianity seems more like the lies of Satan to me. Maybe you have to work hard to be "good enough" for your husband but, I know this: God meets you where you are and loves you in the middle of it. He gave us his Son and his Son sacrificed his life to pay the debt for all our mistakes. What a gift! All we need do is accept it! When we accept that gift, God gives us his spirit to change us each, from the inside out according to *His* will. All you have to do is seek God's will (not your H's), believe His power, and recieve His blessing.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
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