Husband too controlling - HELP
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| Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:14am |
I am looking for some good advice or feedback. I have been married for 8 months now. Second marriage, I have 3 kids from previous marriage, 2 of which lives with me, the other is 26 and on his own. My husband has been increasingly more controlling over the past months. He has changed since we got married. He insists on going to Church every Sunday, even if I don't feel like it or feel good. He is insisting my 12 year old go also. It runs for about 2 hours and it is a bit much for my 12 year old sometimes. If I mention I don't feel like going or my son doesn't, my husband gets real angry. My husband insists on reading the Bible every night. Now, he is starting to preach to me. Lately, he has forbidden me to even have a drink. Now, I admit, sometimes I will have a glass or two of wine and get tipsy, but he has forbidden me totally, claiming I am an alcoholic. He says it is against God and claims that I am an alcoholic. That my body belongs to him and God, not just mine anymore. therefore I should keep it healthy. I am told to wear my hair long and not cut it.
The other night, while lying in bed, he started in on me, how I am a drunk, that if he knew before we got married, he would never have married me and that marrying me was the worst mistake of his life. He further went on to say that my 26 year old didn't come to see me on Mother's day as he doesn't want to be around me anymore (not true, he went away and called me to take me out to dinner another day). We are planning a Church ceremony in July. My husband said that we are going to tell the minister that I am an alcoholic, and if I don't, the Church ceremony is called off. (That day my wedding dress was delivered to me). Finally, he insists that I see a "Christian" counselor. (What about a counselor of my own chosing?)
Honestly, I am feeling like I am losing my identity and my mind little by little each day until I finally turn into a puppet.
What should I do? Or am I overreacting? Please advise.
God Bless.
Nancy

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I am not telling this person to stay with an abusive spouse. I am simply telling her to seek counselling first to make sure that the problem can't be solved.
There are a lot of dynamics to abuse that are misunderstood by the majority of people. Unless they've personally been in an abusive relationship, they have a tendancy to make comments like you have, "He isn't cheating on her or beating her to a pulp". As though any abusive behaviour that doesn't cause bruises or std's should be accepted and forgiven. Jenny, thankfully you have never been a victim of a spouse who is an abuser or you would realize that emotional, psychological, financial, (etc)abuse is just as damaging, sometimes more so, to the human spirit. Abuse is about choosing power and control over others. The abuser has a deep belief system that allows him to feel entitled to dictate all aspects of someone else's life. If the victim resists the control, any manner of tactics are used to force compliance. Abusers see nothing wrong with their behaviour because they believe they are entitled to have our compiance. The fact that we may stand up for ourselves often escalates the abuse because, in the abusers eyes, *we* are wronging *them* by doing so. Just because he has not actually "beaten her to a pulp" does not mean she is not being abused. It often causes depression not only in the victim but in the children who are witnesses to the victimization of their mother. I fell in a very deep depression living with an abuser. Separation cured me of that. My children never saw me get hit and were never hit themselves but, my 7 and 8 year old sons were both treated for depression. I stayed in that unhealthy marriage far longer than I should have, for the sake of the children. In the end, I left for the sake of the children.
The bottom line is that God gave us each one life and FREE WILL. We choose who to follow. God did not intend for some other human to control my life. God did not intend for this man to control her life.
If this is a case of him being an over zealous new believer then the clear and blunt message she delievers will be effective. He will choose to look at what he's doing to her and their marriage with a repentant heart. Cahnge will be forthcoming. If this man is, indeed an abuser, then the clear and blunt message will be ineffective. He will refuse to admit that he is doing anything wrong. The blame will all get thrown at her for their problems because in his mind, he's entitled to control her life and she is wrong for not complying. If she never delievers the clear and blunt message but just keeps praying and posting, she will slowly loose more and more of the free will that God intended her to use for *His* purpose.
As a Christian, I find it very disturbing that women are often counselled that it is Biblical to stay with an abuser, unless he leaves bruises. Jenny, maybe you'd like to pop over to the "Recognizing and dealing with Domestic abuse board". There is a lot of information that will explain the dynamics much better than I've been able to here.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
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