husband is unhappy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
husband is unhappy
6
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 3:07pm
My husband and I are approaching our 3 year anniv. He says he is unhappy and that our relationship is gone/over. We had a wonderful few years together and then we had a baby. She was tough- colicky and a constant crier etc...It was a difficult time for a while. She is 19 months old now and is just starting to get easier now and so much fun.
my husband says he's been unhappy for soooo long. He has been so miserable around the house and only started communicating to me about this a month ago when I flipped out on him. Now he says he doesn't think he can stay in this marriage.
Also, we have an 11 year old stepson because he was married before. I think my husband has major issues, but he refuses to go to counseling. He tried it with his ex and hated it. He isn't giving our marriage a fighting chance. He is going to destroy our daughter's life, and I don't ever want to share her and have her live that life.
I realize that our marriage has been tough and that in the process of being a mom, full time worker, taking care of our house etc...he's gotten very little attention from me, but I'm willing to work on that now. he claims he's lost his physical interest in me. Can I get that back? Is this all lost? He is being so stubborn and selfish about all of this. I don't know what to do. he says whenever he is around me he is just sad that the relationship we once had is over. he says it was the best time of his life (before the baby). He doesn't seem willing to fight for us.
Help!!! What can I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 3:27pm

Welcome to the board lostmom2008,


Sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 4:10pm

Welcome to the board lostmom2008,


I am sorry you are going through this. It is terrible that your husband thinks life was better before your daughter was (Which I have to say

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 4:16pm
I've tried showing him my attention and it doesn't seem to matter. He tends to find every excuse not to be home- golf, work, etc... I've tried to get him to go away with me so we can have time alone and he says our problems are here and that it won't help. If he tells me he is always feeling sad when he is around me, then it seems he doesn't like how he feels about himself when he is with me, but he isn't making any effort to work on this with me. It seems like he is mourning the loss of what we once had, instead of being willing to work on what we do have, now that we have a baby. How can I possibly make him see what a mistake it would be to destroy our family. I almost don't recognize him as the man I married anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 9:59pm

Reminder of the rules.... I noticed deleted posts....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 7:56am

If I understand you correctly, you acknowledge that you neglected/ignored your husband for quite a while and are now upset that he doesn't resppond to your conciliatory overtures in quite the speed and manner that you demand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Tue, 07-08-2008 - 8:58am
Actually no, you have that completely wrong. We were not very good to each other for a long time. It's hard to say which came first, his difficulty dealing with the stress of a new baby, or me not being very responsive to his physical overtures. I was exhausted and felt like our child's primary caregiver because he couldn't handle it, as far as I can tell. I never had the energy or desire to be with him, and he was not supportive or helpful in the childcare area, or to me. He does not deny this, and I do not deny having a hard time getting back into the swing of a normal intimate marriage because of it, and of course because of having just given birth!
So no, I am a patient woman and would love for him to come back to me in whatever time it takes him. Unfortunately, he's told me the relationship is "ruined" and it seems he has no interest in being a part of our marriage anymore. It makes me fear that he cannot handle stress or conflict in general and that maybe there was more to the story of the downfall of his first marriage than he told me.
It doesn't really matter what happened then, what matters is that or daughter's happiness is at stake now. I love my husband and am afraid he has selfishly given up. He has only started communicating with me in the last month about how sad/bad he has been feeling for so long. But, now that he's communicated that, it seems he doesn't want to do anything about it or work on it with me. He has no desire at all to be with me and he hasn't put a smile on his face in many months. It is a negative influence on my daughter and his son as well.
I am looking for suggestions/advice and not criticism.