Husband is very clingy.
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| Sat, 05-29-2004 - 3:33pm |
When we met, he was involved in a lot of things: karate, music, his family, hockey, his friends, etc. As we moved away to college, he found new interests, which I have always been supportive of. We both became teachers, but while I am very passionate about teaching and think it's my calling (and I'd like to keep going back to school), he is not so passionate. He likes it and is very good at it, but he's not as gung ho as I am. He is a great writer. He writes screenplays that have been recognized by some big names. He, I think, will eventually become well paid for this, because he is very talented. I try to be supportive of this by listening to story ideas, helping with plot development, looking up information for him, and reading the finished scripts. I even go on screenwriting conference trips with him (usually 2-3 days).
For some reason, though, he is beginning to see this as a need for me to be there for him 24/7. If I want to do something on my own or alone (and I need a lot of alone time), he doesn't understand. Any time I seem to have 2 minutes of downtime (that I would like to feel I have control of- I find it scary to think that can't look forward to down time as down time), he wants something else. If I would like to play a computer game, he wants it to be something we can play together. Sometimes I would like to just disappear into another room for a couple of hours and play something on my own or read a book without fear of interruption, or ... do my toenails and not have to get up to do this or that or the other for him. Once again, I TOTALLY support his dream. I encourage him, praise him, etc, but he is taking it to another level. He has not made much of an effort to make any new friends and he has only his mother left in his family. Therefore, he comes to me for EVERYTHING. I don't mind being supportive and helpful, but I don't want to live my life AND his life AND our life together. It's hard enough for a loner to get used to living a life with someone else!
He clings. In my own family, everyone is encouraged to be an individual and pursue happiness with the knowledge that someone will always support you and help you, because you will do the same for them. We are beginning to talk about marriage and I am now wary of him taking up so much of my life that I can't breathe or do anything for myself. I always feel like I'm on borrowed time when I do something for myself... they don't feel like my choices, they feel like what I'm able to get away with. Like, if I want to do a little shopping, I don't decide to go shopping and then say, "I'm going shopping, is there anything you need" and that's that. It's more like I tell him and he wants to go WITH me, or he wants to know EXACTLY what time I'll be back or he'll say something like, "Well, did you WANT to spend any time together today?" I don't feel like my own person.
I feel constantly on call to him. Besides the daily chores of household life (laundry, dishes, etc), there's his need to constantly spend time together. He wasn't like this in college. I would take off with a friend and tell him I'd be back later and he'd go find something to do. Now if I go somewhere, he sits around the house waiting for me to get back. I like to go DO things on my own sometimes, he seems to DEPEND on me to be happy. He talks as if he has no life, ambitions, or ability to really surivive if I'm not in the same room with him and actively supporting him by listening, talking, or working with him.
A typical day involves us both going to work, then he works out for an hour and a half while I either finish something at school or come home and feed pets. He gets there and jumps on the computer or the TV, expecting me to stop whatever I'm doing to join him. The rest of the evening (or day if it's a weekend) will be spent together whether I like it or not. If I take up a new hobby like gardening (he wants to do it, too, with me) or watching a certain TV show (since he's not interested in it, I must be available to do things for him, because how could I be interested in something he's not?), it doesn't provide me any alone time. Once I decided to sign up for a fencing class to get some productive "me" time and guess who decided to sign up, too?
I do want to qualify, though, that he is a loving, caring person who is very sweet and intelligent. I love him dearly and still find him very attractive, but I'm beginning to feel more like the assistant to his life than an individual with my OWN dreams and likes and needs. I feel that I overaccomodate (I give up most of my leisure time hobbies so that he can feel more secure). I have tried talking this out with him several times, and he seems to understand the problem, but his solution is to plan for me to have some "alone time" every once in a while and I do mean planned. He needs to know when it is and what I want to be doing. I LONG for the days when I knew that off time meant I had nothing to do so I chose something to entertain myself. He wants to watch TV together (ALL television), eat together, go out together (EVERY time), travel together, etc. If he has a boring trip to go on in which I would be sitting in a hotel for 10 hours or stuck somewhere, he still wants me there. He doesn't seem to want to recognize that I NEED time to myself to BE myself, therefore he never includes it in what he refers to as his willingness to make me happy. All I need is the freedom to plan some time to myself without guilt or worry and to have the freedom to choose what to do with unexpected down time. He wants to share EVERYTHING, while I want to have a life, for him to have a life, and for us to have a life we share together. I want him to be an individual who can become more of who he is without me having to shoulder his growth as well as my own, which I have little room for, anyway.
How do I get this across lovingly and without sounding accusatory? I realize that he is insecure, so I don't want to cause a bigger problem in that area, as that would just make it harder to communicate. I have a minor in Psych, but this is WAY beyond Developmental Psych 211! ;)

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What has worked with him in the past-an example of when he was o.k. with you doing your own thing?
Well, one of my examples was what I said about going shopping with my roommate/best friend back in college... I would look at my day and see that I had free time and ask if she wanted to go shop. If she was free, it was cool. I would tell him we were gonna be gone and that I'd call him later, or if we were going to be in late I'd let him know. He would go find something to do and be happy. Now I can be gone for two hours to the grocery and errands and he meets me at the door with like, "I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" and the 40 things he wants to do now that I'm back. If I want to just relax and read a book or watch some TV, he will want to do it with me. My personality, since the age of being able to choose, has been to engage in a lot of solitary activities. I read, I surf the Internet, I craft, I garden. I prefer to do these things alone. I do OTHER things with him- we go to movies, go to events, travel, work on the house, talk, eat meals, etc. I don't feel the need to do EVERYTHING together. I want to keep some things for just me. And I want him to respect that I have the right to do that. I try to encourage him to do things on his own and pursue his own interests, but he won't. He prefers to drag me into every interest that he has and start up any interests that I have. Argh.
Explain that his behavior is annoying and this is causing you to feel resentment. That is detrimental to your relationship. BUT I do think you should schedule your time away - that seems fair.
There is some good info for fixing problems as these at http://www.marriagebuilders.com
Maybe it would help if you could both get away from work and just relax together. It sounds as though you both need down time together.
Good luck!
So what has changed? What else is going on in his life? Is he also depressed, changed at work, family, etc? Anything else that coincides with him being much more clingy and controlling?
It continues, though, to be annoying. Today, we had made no plans in particular, so I said I was going to go spend the day with my mom. She's just had surgery. He called about three hours later asking when I was coming back, not in a "So, what time do you think you're coming back?" way, but like, "Are you coming back? When? Ok, well, I guess I'll just... I dunno...".
If I didn't have work, I don't know what I would do, as it's about the only time I have to myself.
The things I think that have changed him to make him so insecure are pretty big. His father died after having cancer while we were in college and they were very close. He is semi-close with his mom but seems reluctant to get closer. His only other family is a sister who is a manipluative drug abuser.
Now I am 34, have been married 10 1/2 years, and feel trapped. My husband cannot function without me constantly giving him encouragement and support. I have no alone time at home; he constantly has to be with me. I never go anywhere with my friends, who rarely call anymore, because he just mopes around the house. Even my kids notice.
I thought it would be simpler to just stay home and not rock the boat but I am miserable. The last three years have been a mental hell because I am constantly trying to talk myself into staying married. I just feel smothered.
I have to add that he is a good man and good father. His family is loving and sweet. I have just totally lost my identity and want myself back.
Advice would be great; I need some guidance.
Marriage does not mean letting yourself disappear and just being there with your spouse, doing everything together. This is a form of co-dependence, not love. It is not healthy for either of you. You can get your life back by simply establishing some boundaries. Realize that it's healthy and appropriate to have time, space and activities for yourself. And take them. Get involved in some classes or activities that are meaningful to you, schedule in time alone. Arrange to spend time with friends. Talk to him about this before you start. Let him know that a healthy marriage needs two, healthy, whole individuals who are growing and excited about life. You are not happy or comfortable going on the way it's been. This could be a shock for him and he may object, mope, whatever. These are his manipulations to keep you tied to him. But you are not his mother, and beyond that, it is unhealthy for him to act out such dependency. If the two of you cannot work this out alone, it would be very advisable to find a good marriage counsellor who can help you both create fulfilling lives which you then share with each other. A marriage which takes you away from life and the world and yourself is simply a sympton of psychological problems that need attending to.
Best wishes
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