Husband won't admit emotional affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Husband won't admit emotional affair
3
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 3:45am
My husband will not tell me that he is sorry or care about my hurt feelings about an emotional affair he had, because he says that he did not do anything wrong. He IS telling me that he loves only me and wants only me and wants a normal happy family with me and my 6-year-old son for the rest of our lives. My son and I are not living with my husband now. I would not be true to myself or to our marriage if I returned to him and did not feel that I trust my husband. I cannot begin to trust my husband again until I know that he cares about my hurt, that he acknowledges that his affair hurt me, that he acknowledges that he had an emotional affair, because, unless he admits that it was wrong, he can just do it again. I am happy that he is acting loving to me again, tells me he loves me all the time, does nice things for me again, because for a year and a half, he kept all that from me. When his financial problems became very bad, he began blaming me for every life problem, stopped calling me my pet name, stopped kissing me and telling me he loved me. He began drinking heavily. He promised me we would go to marriage counseling a year ago and that he would never say the word "divorce" again, but has since said he will never go to counseling and told me six months ago that he had been calling an old girlfriend (who is an attorney) all summer about divorcing me. He has had a fantasy about her ever since she dumped him after a 3-month sexual relationship with him many years before I ever knew him. It was a way to get back in touch with her (she is married.) Then when I told him that this broke my heart and my trust and that he needed to do something to fix it, he did nothing. I cried everyday and let him know how hurt I was and how I needed him to do something to fix the broken trust. I waited for him to come to me. He said he could not talk about relationships or our marriage because he was so upset over his money problems. He did not come to see me for 3 months. He called pretty often. Sometimes I answered the phone and he would never say he was sorry or be kind to me; sometimes I did not answer the phone -- I needed him to come here, talk to me, do something to show me he cared. After 3 months, he came to me, told me he needed me to help him file for a bankruptcy (which I am not part of) and we should be together, but he still said he was too upset over money to discuss relationship stuff. I agreed to help him, but told him that I was still very hurt. A month into helping him, I looked at his cell phone bill and discovered that during the 3 months he did not see me, he was calling another woman daily, at all times of the day and night. I found out he met a woman at a bar who was also separated. He immediately offered to fix her home phone line and was at her house many times fixing her phone line, ordering take-out food with her, watching a movie with her and listening to her cry over her husband. He told me he talked to her about our marriage problems and needed her to listen to him. I caught him in many lies, so I called the other woman. She told me that she and my husband did nothing physically, and that she wanted him around so she had someone to talk to about her husband. She also told me that my husband crossed the line and made her feel like he wanted more than friendship. For example, he noticed her "nighty" hanging in the bathroom and told her, "I bet you'd look really sexy in that nighty. I'd really like to see you in that." At the bar, he'd walk by her and say, "How's the prettiest girl in the bar tonight?" She told me she'd just respond with, "Oh, quit it!", so she obviously did nothing to discourage his behavior and I realize she probably enjoyed his attention, while waiting for her husband to return. I found out that her husband came back 3 weeks before my husband came to see me. I was devastated to hear how he was talking about relationships and comforting another woman while I sat at home crying alone and he refused to talk about our relationship with me. I had explained to my husband after the first attorney affair that it is a betrayal to discuss intimate details of your marriage with someone of the opposite sex, but he told me it's fine to get other people's opinions. Of course, he denies the "nighty" statement and told me that he told her that I have a nighty just like that and I look beautiful in it and that the girl would probably look good in hers too. Everything about this makes me sick. I had always completely trusted and believed in my husband until I learned about these 2 things with other women. I do believe nothing physical happened, but only because the girl did not allow it to happen. My husband denies any wrong doing. I cannot return without him acknowledging my hurt and his part in it and that he had an emotional affair, otherwise, he could just do it again. I have always said that the most important thing to me was being true -- true to yourself, true to God and true to those you love. He thinks being true is not physically touching someone else. He refuses counseling. Part of me believes that he loves me and wants me but part of me believes this will happen all over again. He recently filed a bankruptcy and has a plan to pay off his debts (all incurred before I knew him), but will have a very hard time paying day-to-day bills unless I move back and can contribute money. It's very hard for me to leave him when he keeps professing his love and devotion now. Please help me convince him that he had an emotional affair, that I have good reasons to be hurt and that I need him to care about my hurt. He blames everything on me not living with him and not always answering the phone. I would really appreciate some suggestions to help us.


Edited 6/13/2006 4:15 pm ET by rittspc
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:51pm
He may say that he loves you, but I think it is a very bad sign that he blames you for his actions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:29pm
Thank you for your insight. From what I described, do you believe my husband had an emotional affair? The definitions I have been given by a counselor, a lawyer and my priest all say that this type of affair is when a spouse gives to a person of the opposite sex the things the spouse should be giving only to their spouse, including attention, time, personal thoughts and feelings, to name just a few.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 5:33pm
Yes, I do think he had an emotional affair.