Husbands coworker super friendly......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Husbands coworker super friendly......
11
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 12:37pm
My Husband "Max" has been working with a woman I will call "Donna" for about 10-12 years now. He has a very high good paying position at a big company. He hired Donna as one of his employees many years ago. They worked very closely together. Some years back He and Donna were both promoted and he has a high position overseeing people and she has a high position handling accounts. He is not her boss, but they work closely together in the same large building. She is not attractive, she is tall and large. My husband is in my opinion a nice looking guy. Oh, we are in our 40's so we are not kids.
This is my concern. 1. Over the years I have noticed that whenever we are at a company function Donna, who is with her slug of a husband will constantly be looking over at my husband. When I leave to go to the restroom she will be standing there with my husband when I come back, I always know she is going to come running over. I go in the bathroom thinking, she must be running over right now.... 2. When we went to a company funcion at a hotel she was the first one to scream HI MAX in her low cut blouse the second we got there. Her slug of a husband doesn't seem to mind at all.3. My husband has a company vehicle and so does she. about 6 years ago he traded vehicles with her to take on our family vacation. I was not happy. Here I am going in some other womans vehicle on my family vacation. It was weird too, there was a nail in the tire and we couldn't take it and when she gave him his car back there was a nail in the tire of his car too. I guess that is when this woman started bothering me. 4. He often choses to sit next to her at company dinners, yet if I ask about her he always make it out like he doesn't even like her that much. 5. At one dinner my husband went to the restroom and while we were gone she mentioned to me that there was a food that I didn't like and I said "Oh, did max complain that I don't like that food???" and then she said OHHHHH I hear complaints!!! In a very nasty tone. I mean does my husband sit and complain to her about me???? he said she was just talking about food, but it sure didn't sound like it to me. 6. This is what really bugs me, my husband will not tell me who he goes to lunch with. I don't want to ask him because he will think I am prying. Sometimes he will say where he went, but not who with. Once in awhile he will say who he went with. Mainly he doesn't say anything at all. He says he has only gone to lunch with Donna twice alone (which I don't believe, she worked directly under him for years) He says she always goes with him and some other people, but he never told me that until I directly asked him. (I just found out she is with him and a group of people really often) 7.When we get to the company dinners she pats her seat indicating he should sit there or acts like that is where he normally sits. Like "oh max here is your seat" He actually hardly mentions her at all. It bugs me because how can you constantly go to lunch with someone and never say a word about it to your spouse. Well, it all blew up the other night, the night before our 14th wedding anniversary. We were going to invite some people to a comedy club. His managers, there are 5 of them. I mean just the managers (she is not a manager) and all of a sudden he says he absolutely has to invite Donna because she would be upset if she found out that he went and didn't invite her. Apparently she loves going to the comedy club. The comedy club used to be a place where just he and I went. Donna went there with a company function once and now it is like we have to take her with us or she will be mad at max. We can't even go with someone who knows donna because they may tell her. He says I just don't understand business. I said her husband could take her, that is why she has one. When we were at the height of the arguement he said what would it even matter if she was in love with him as long as he wasn't in love with her. I thought that was a weird question. I don't know if he meant she really is in love with him??? Would it bother all of you??? It would bother me. They spend all day at work together, eat together, there are company trips out of town where a group from work will go including her. Guess who he comes walking off the airplane with. If she isn't walking with him she runs past me like her underwear are on fire. She doesn't even look at me. He won't let me take him to the airport before leaving the company trips, he says he is meeting people from work for lunch beforehand, but never says who he is meeting and then he goes to the airport. One time I called him at the airport and he said he splitting a cinnamon roll with someone, but again would not tell me who it was. I didn't ask him, but wouldn't you say who it was if they were sitting there eating off the same plate??? How can you not say who it is?? I am just really sick of it. Sometimes I just feel like bailing, but we have 3 children. The fact is I don't know if something is going on there or not, and there is no way for me to tell. Maybe it is nothing, I just don't know. He says he doesn't want to tell me things because I am the jealous type and I know I am, but now I am just starting to hate him because he keeps secrets. He is always home and night and I haven't gotten any weird calls, he does have a lot of freedom at work. He can leave whenever he feels like it. We live in a large city and he drives around a lot. I know this all sounds bad, but my husband is home all the time and he is great to me and the kids. He is a super guy and liked by a lot of people. But this all bothers me. All I know is I am sick of Donna and I am sick of feeling like I am in the dark. Maybe it is not him and maybe she does like him a lot more than she should, maybe he knows that she does, but he doesn't seem to mind. I just feel that it is hard to tolerate on my end...... (Oh, he cannot change jobs. It is hard to explain, but he can't change jobs, it just isn't possible.) Does all of this sound funky to you all or do you think they are just good friends and he doesn't want me to know it??? (he swears they are not good friends, it just sure looks like it to me) Do all men have close female friends at work??? Maybe I am just stupid and don't know the realities of things. I don't deal with men at my job that I would go to lunch with, chat with, and work closely with. I have been a stay at home mom for many years, this is the 1st year I have had a job in about 12 years. I don't know maybe I am just ignorant to the working world. Thanks, blueeyes

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:19pm

Hi blueeyes and welcome to the board.


How sad for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 2:33pm

To me it sounds like maybe she has a crush on him. I don't think

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 4:02pm

No doubt you enjoy the BENEFITS of his career but due to your insecurity, you can't accept his RESPONSIBILITIES in his career. Your husband knows that you are jealous, insecure and will create a big stink (drama) over ANYTHING related to Donna. Even in this post you make a big stink over a nail in a tire from 6 YEARS ago. 6 years is a very long time to hold on to such an insignificant thing in life.

Your husband, being a high level manager, is bound by a Code of Ethics in business that has a direct relationship to the culture of his company. He gets PAID to do this and YOU GAIN the BENEFIT of this. However, since you make the choice to create drama at any time, this is the #1 reason why he does not want to share details with you. He does not want to get ATTACKED yet again for doing his job for which YOU GAIN BENEFIT.

The best thing you can do is seek professional help in dealing with your insecurity. Your insecurity is killing your husband's desire in your relationship because you can't accept what he is obligated to do within the context of professional integrity.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 7:47pm

I think that cl-itwinflame's advice to take this test:

1. Do you touch him in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer?

2. Do you tell him more details of your day than you do your partner?

3. Do you talk with him more about your relationship than you do with your partner?

4. Does your partner have no idea how much time you spend with this guy?

5. Do you pay attention to how you look before you see him?

6. Do you think crush-like thoughts like, "He'd love this song!"?

7. Has one of you said, "I'm attracted to you but I would never act on it because I/you are attached"?

8. Would you feel uncomfortable if your partner saw a videotape of the time you spend with this person?

How many times did you answer "Yes"?

0-1: Friendship/harmless crush. 2-4: Slippery slope. Step back. 5 or more. 911! Emotional affair.

... is spot on. I was kind of in a quandary about the situation until I remembered this test that cl-itwinflame presented to you. Looking at it, I think that you need to look at it from HIS actions, not hers. Her actions are clearly inappropriate. The fact that he lets her get away with it and doesn't set boundaries is inappropriate. Only you can say whether it goes into the realm of an emotional affair. If you think it does, then I have an article for you to read. Let me know.










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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:07am

I think she may have a crush on him too, and it has been going on for years. I think he surely knows it. We have talked about why he won't tell me who he is eating lunch with. He said he is not going to report into me like a kid. When we got in the fight and I said can you tell me how many times have you went out to eat with her like in a group- not just with her, you know I wondered why she acts the way she does, like this is his seat right next to her etc..., he choked out 50 and then mumbled in so many months. I really couldn't tell what he said month wise. I could tell he really didn't want to tell me.

I went to a therapist a couple of times and told her how he won't tell me a lot of things, with specific details as to what he excludes. She told me to hire a private investigator. I was actually pretty shocked that she wanted me to do that.

The first 8 years of our marriage he wouldn't tell me anything about work. If I asked he would just get mad and say I don't want to talk about it. It was frustrating. I always say, this is something, if it was me, I would have told you. He says men and women are different and men just don't communicate the same way. I can tell you that if I get a job and I am hanging with jeff, joe and steve all the time, I am certainly not going to tell him. What comes around goes around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:19am
I think you are right. How am I supposed to even know if that is going on?? There is nothing I can do about it and he is going to be working at that company for the next 20 years and so is she. Every day I can just think well it is lunch time and Donna is probably sitting there making big googly eyes at him. It stinks..... He said he would like to take the job overseeing the people in charge of accounts. I thought that would be great, then he would be her boss again and then you and donna could spend even more time together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:26am
We have talked about the boundarie thing. He just says- I can't control what other women do. I think if she acts that way toward him he is inviting that type of behavior. I don't think she would act that way if she could tell it made him uncomfortable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:27am
I think it would help if you didn't think that everything about his job was centered around her. Like lunch or taking the promotion so he could be her boss again and spend even more time with her. While I understand that you are upset about their contact, I think this kind of thinking is making the situation every worse for you. Try to remember that they work together and will have to have some time of contact at times. That is not something you or even they can control. At least they don't have contact outside or work hours. That is a good sign.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:47am
What is he supposed to do - quit his job? Maybe he should do that and go work at Subway. At least then he won't be attacked by your imaginary stories. No wonder he doesn't want to talk to you about his work life. Do you show him any respect at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:55pm
Actually, if it is an emotional affair, this is exactly the thing she should ask of him. Regardless of whether it is or not, he is not showing his dw one iota of respect. I'm not saying that two wrongs make a right, but if he is out of the situation, perhaps respect would return on both of their parts.









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-shing xiong

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