husbands daughter is difficult
Find a Conversation
husbands daughter is difficult
| Mon, 01-26-2004 - 5:34pm |
My husbands 23 year old daughter dislikes me. It's causing problems in my relationship and I'm not sure what to do. We've been married 5 years and had problems since day one with his ex and their kids. His ex-wife has had a huge influence on her kids attitudes towards me. I think she still wants him back or at least the fantasy she's conjured up about finishing what they started and living happily ever after. Regardless of the fact that all the things he did that led up to the divorce has not changed. Anyway, I've never once said or done anything mean to his kids or his ex for that matter. I've been understanding when his kids have had issues with me being in their dad's life, when they've said and done things to hurt me and when they've wanted alone time with their dad, I've respected there wants and stayed away. But now his oldest just had a baby. She's not married and she's living with her mother. Her dad is very wealthy and she doesn't need to worry about supporting the baby, her dad will support them. Here's my problem. She doesn't want me to see the baby. I realize it's her child, but my husband is so happy and I'm unable to share this time with him. He goes to his ex's house to visit the baby and I'm not invited. It's humiliating when our friends have asked me if I've seen the baby, and I tell them no. I've bought the baby some things and I wanted to drop them by, but her mother called me and said she wasn't up for visitors. They've cancelled twice. I feel unwanted and hurt. I'm irritated with my husband because I think he should do something. But he doesn't want to cause problems. So I just deal with it. But I feel really bad, and I'm not sure what to do. I know alot of her ill feelings towards me are a direct result from her mother's influance. I met her dad after her parents were divorced, but I feel as if she blames me for her parents break-up. I also feel insecure when my husband goes to their house to visit the baby. I feel like they are acting like a family again and I think it'll just make her resent me more. I know I can't make her like me, but I'm still hurt. Should I have my husband take the baby my gift or just forget it? Thoughts....

My guess, he will never have this conversation as guilt is more powerful. Have you consider counseling to deal with your emotions (and possibly dragging your hubby with you)?
Sorry for your pain. So sad that things like this happen.
Carrie
My FIL I swear is a saint. Maybe your hubby has the same problem. For years his ex wife told their kids that their father didn't love them, that their fahter abused her, that their father cheated her, and that it was his new wife's fault they didn't have a relationship with their dad. However everytime FIL wanted to see his children his ex wife would not let him. My hubby now all grown up sees that the things said about his father were not true. I'm so happy they are rebuilding a relationship. However it is different with hubby's sister. She thinks her dad owes her something. Now I get the blame for SIL not having a relationship wit her father. How could it be my fault? The girl doesn't go see her dad or call him unless she wants something. She calls and asks him to buy her a car and things like that. FIL refuses and she throws a fit and calls him names. She has got it in her head that when she comes there I cause problems and it is my fault the family doesn't get along. Umm...... Fil and MIL have had problems since way before DH and I started dating and she can't fess up to it. They just blame me. FIL treats his daughter with kid gloves in hopes that someday he will regain a relationship with her like he did DH. I believe the only reason DH has changed from the obsessive brainwashing is because I helped to restore communication with his dad. After his mother verbally attacked me because I would not do things her way in my home, he saw how his mother really was. Since we have had no communication with her. She told people I was an unfit mother and that she was going to take our son or get hubby to leave me and take our son just because I would not roll over and lte her control my life the way she has her children. That is the same problem she has with FIL.
I agree with the previous poster, surely she could come to your house. Your husband needs to have a sit down chat and discuss with her about her attitude, and some of the choices she is making in her life.
I think you need to try like hell to be the bigger person, no matter how hard you want to do other things.:)Fact of the matter is that this spoiled brat isnt acting her age, let alone mature enough to be a mother and responsible for another being. She intentionally berates you and your feelings, and no one is evening standing up for you. Unfortunatley, I think your husband feels torn, and understandably so. I also think though that he is intelligent enough to see someones ulterior motives.
Send the gifts with your husband the next time he goes over there. It isnt that childs fault and shouldnt be deprived of the wonderful gifts you have for it.
Be patient, and good luck,
Your husband should make it quite clear that you're an IMPORTANT person in his life and that his daughter and ex-wife should respect. Noboday says that the "EX" has to like you, but if there is a relationship between your husband and this women, then he should demand that she show you respect.
Sit down with your husband and share you feelings about this. If he truly values your relationship and completely loves you, he should be standing by your side 100%.
You are the StepMom, but also the StepGrandma here and you have every right to be a part of his daughter and grandchilds life.
I hope things work out for you...
The divorce happened - for whatever reason, it happened. That's the reality. The reality is also that the husband has moved on with his life and remarried. Everyone must deal with this in a civil manner. People don't have to like each other, but they must be polite.
This man cannot let his adult daughter drive a wedge between himself and his wife. He cannot allow her to act disrespectfully. This daugher is not a child, she is an adult woman with a baby of her own. It's time for her to grow up and act like an adult, but it looks like she wont as long as Daddy allows her to act like a spoiled little kid.