Husbands Kidney Donor

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2012
Husbands Kidney Donor
6
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 12:02pm

I am giving up a kidney through a kidney exchange program inorder to save my husband. I love him but we are so different. He has little empathy for anyone and is not emotionaly supportive of me. It seems to me that as long as things are going fine he's fine, but if I am having a hard time with something he just doesn't want to deal with it. 

I met my husband when I was 20yrs old. I was very naive because I was raised by my grandmother since I was 2yrs who was very old fashioned and very controlling. Growing up I was hardley ever allowed out of the house accept to go to school. Well, my grandmother ended up dying form cancer when I was 23 in the summer of 05. I had no friends, and I had no real family for emotional support. I was alone. So, when my only friend at the time said he would not speak to me again if I didn't date him I agreed. I couldn't bare to lose him too. He is now my husband.

My husband is going to have his second kidney transplant. He is on home dialysis and I help him with it  every time. I want him to get better, but I don't know if I can stay. Even before his first kidney gave out he only wanted things his way. He has little empathy for anyone. Everything is always about him and what he wants. I have grown so much since I have been with him and I think he is falling out of love with me. He is still in love with the naive 20yr old he met and doesn't understand that I grew up. I am not the little girl who will just go along with whatever he wants from me. He loves me but is not in love I'm affraid. My husband is 10.5 years older then me and was my first for everything.

I hate to admitt this, but I recent him for not helping me when I needed it most. When my grandmother died I got thrown off my educational track. I wanted so badily to work in a medical related profession and had been doing well. However when she got sick I dropped classes to help her. Then when I returned to the new semester two weeks after her death I was so depressed and unmotivated. I got through but was told that I could just forget med school since I had to drop classes. Well my husband actually worked at the college where I went to schoold. He knew this was wrong, but didn't want me to go to med school because it would take too long. He knew other educational advisors who I could have talked to but instead told me to just suck it up and move on.

So, here I am now. I am still in school since the only thing I ever wanted to do is out of the picture now. I had to start all over in a completely new major then switched. My husband is pissed that I have not finished and demands I bring more money into the house. I'm Graduating next fall. He knows I recent him. Not just for that but other things to. I could make a list of all the times he has let me down. The wors thing is that I have made friends with one of his friends. We get along super well and my husband make remarks about it. His friend and I are the same age and finishing school at the same college but different programs. Sometimes I find myself wishing I would have met him first instead of my husband. Then I feel bad and guilty because he is my husbands friend and I shouldn't feel like I can connect more with him then my husband. I hate that I have developed feelings for him. What's worse is that he likes me and let it slip by accident one day. This is just wrong. I know but yet I wish it could work which is worse. I feel ashamed for feeling this way. One day my husbands friend told me when we were cashually chatting that he would always be my friend even if I divorced my husband because eventually my husband would pusth him to far and he would end the friendship. I don't know why he would tell me this, but I think I need to get away from both of them.

Well to make a long rant end do any of you think it would  bad if I gave up a kidney to save my husbands life then divorce him? I don't want to hurt him but I think we shouldn't be togeather anymore. I just want him to be ok. He has family he is very close to. I will cut my loses. All I want is my freedom back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 8:54pm

This is a very difficult situation you are in.  I wonder if there is any kind of therapy that you have to go through at the hospital before you donate an organ--if so I would suggest talking to them, or talk to someone at the counseling dept. at your college.  I believe it was the comedian George Lopez whose wife donated a kidney to him & then he divorced her which seems pretty mean.  I think it is very selfless that you would still consider donating a kidney even though you don't seem to be in love w/ your DH any more--it certainly is nicer than NOT donating and kidney & divorcing him. You would be allowing him to go off dialysis.  But I think that the people in the hospital do not want the organ donor to feel compelled to donate the organ--they want people who do it voluntarily.

I can see why you feel that you are in the situation you are in & I think you have a lot of insight into it.  If your DH is very unsupportive of you, then I think you are justified in seeking a divorce.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 6:46am

Zendy2 wrote:
So, when my only friend at the time said he would not speak to me again if I didn't date him I agreed. I couldn't bare to lose him too. He is now my husband.

...... I don't even know how to respond to this. He BLACKMAILED you into dating him? And you thought that was okay? No alarm bells went off? I get that you felt like you had no one else in your life but personally, I'd rather have no one than someone who blackmails me! This is highly controlling and domineering behavior.

Quote:
Even before his first kidney gave out he only wanted things his way. He has little empathy for anyone. Everything is always about him and what he wants.

Well, yeah, someone who would stoop as low as blackmailing to get what they want will probably be the type of person who thinks everything is about him and everything must go his way. He so wholly believes that he deserves whatever he wants that he can justify any despicable behavior to get it. You can't say there weren't warning signs - your self esteem must have been extremely low to not notice them.

Quote:
I have grown so much since I have been with him and I think he is falling out of love with me. He is still in love with the naive 20yr old he met and doesn't understand that I grew up. I am not the little girl who will just go along with whatever he wants from me.

Good for you! You've managed to become your own person in spite of his controlling ways. Now you just need the strength to leave him.

Quote:
I hate to admitt this, but I recent him for not helping me when I needed it most. When my grandmother died I got thrown off my educational track. I wanted so badily to work in a medical related profession and had been doing well. However when she got sick I dropped classes to help her. Then when I returned to the new semester two weeks after her death I was so depressed and unmotivated. I got through but was told that I could just forget med school since I had to drop classes. Well my husband actually worked at the college where I went to schoold. He knew this was wrong, but didn't want me to go to med school because it would take too long. He knew other educational advisors who I could have talked to but instead told me to just suck it up and move on.

There is no shame in resenting him for that. He's selfish and cares nothing for what YOU want in life, for what makes YOU happy. Maybe he's narcissistic, maybe he's just an A-hole. But you deserve better. 

Quote:
Then I feel bad and guilty because he is my husbands friend and I shouldn't feel like I can connect more with him then my husband.

Your husband is incapable of connecting with anyone. One can not care about others enough to connect with them when one is wholly absorbed in oneself. But you do need to end the marriage before anything happens between you and anyone else. I think you can forgive yourself for having feelings for someone else, given your cricumstance and the fact that you've never acted on those feelings. You're a good person trapped in an unhappy marriage - it's not surprising you would develop feelings for the first person to actually give a da*n about you. But keep this in mind too - that he is probably IS the first person to actually, genuinely care about you but that doesn't mean he's "the one". There are a lot of guys who would appreciate what a lovely person you are - it is not necessarily wise to jump into the arms of the first one.

Quote:
One day my husbands friend told me when we were cashually chatting that he would always be my friend even if I divorced my husband because eventually my husband would pusth him to far and he would end the friendship. I don't know why he would tell me this,

It sounds like he's telling you that he doesn't even like your husband very much and wouldn't still be his friend if you weren't around. He stays friends with your husband because of you. Which isn't surprising considering your husband is so self-absorbed that it's only a matter of time before anyone in his life gets fed up with him.

Quote:
but I think I need to get away from both of them.

That's very wise of you. I always recommend people give themselves time between relationships, especially after a long one. I think you need to get a divorce and be on your own for a little while. Achieve your goals, learn how to be happy on your own, find your own friends, etc. And then you will be in a good place to have a healthy relationship with someone. And if the friend is still around and single, great. 

Quote:
Well to make a long rant end do any of you think it would  bad if I gave up a kidney to save my husbands life then divorce him? I don't want to hurt him but I think we shouldn't be togeather anymore. I just want him to be ok. He has family he is very close to. I will cut my loses. All I want is my freedom back.

Are you asking if it's bad that you give him the kidney or divorce him afterwards? Because frankly, I'm not even sure I would be giving him a kidney if it were me. That's a fairly serious operation to undergo for someone who has treated you no better than a doormat. But maybe you're a better person than I am. So no, I don't think it would be wrong to end the marriage after giving him a kidney. You need to get out of this marriage for your own well being and it's about time you did start thinking about yourself and about what YOU need. To give up a body part for someone who has treated you like dirt makes you a pretty selfless person to me - there is nothing to feel guilty about by ending it. Stop beating yourself up for finally deciding to take control of your life!

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 7:34am

Zendy2 wrote:
<p>I am giving up a kidney through a kidney exchange program inorder to save my husband. I love him but we are so different. He has little empathy for anyone and is not emotionaly supportive of me. It seems to me that as long as things are going fine he's fine, but if I am having a hard time with something he just doesn't want to deal with it. </p><p>I met my husband when I was 20yrs old. I was very naive because I was raised by my grandmother since I was 2yrs who was very old fashioned and very controlling. Growing up I was hardley ever allowed out of the house accept to go to school. Well, my grandmother ended up dying form cancer when I was 23 in the summer of 05. I had no friends, and I had no real family for emotional support. I was alone. So, when my only friend at the time said he would not speak to me again if I didn't date him I agreed. I couldn't bare to lose him too. He is now my husband. </p><p>My husband is going to have his second kidney transplant. He is on home dialysis and I help him with it  every time. I want him to get better, but I don't know if I can stay. Even before his first kidney gave out he only wanted things his way. He has little empathy for anyone. Everything is always about him and what he wants. I have grown so much since I have been with him and I think he is falling out of love with me. He is still in love with the naive 20yr old he met and doesn't understand that I grew up. I am not the little girl who will just go along with whatever he wants from me. He loves me but is not in love I'm affraid. My husband is 10.5 years older then me and was my first for everything.</p><p>I hate to admitt this, but I recent him for not helping me when I needed it most. When my grandmother died I got thrown off my educational track. I wanted so badily to work in a medical related profession and had been doing well. However when she got sick I dropped classes to help her. Then when I returned to the new semester two weeks after her death I was so depressed and unmotivated. I got through but was told that I could just forget med school since I had to drop classes. Well my husband actually worked at the college where I went to schoold. He knew this was wrong, but didn't want me to go to med school because it would take too long. He knew other educational advisors who I could have talked to but instead told me to just suck it up and move on.</p><p>So, here I am now. I am still in school since the only thing I ever wanted to do is out of the picture now. I had to start all over in a completely new major then switched. My husband is pissed that I have not finished and demands I bring more money into the house. I'm Graduating next fall. He knows I recent him. Not just for that but other things to. I could make a list of all the times he has let me down. The wors thing is that I have made friends with one of his friends. We get along super well and my husband make remarks about it. His friend and I are the same age and finishing school at the same college but different programs. Sometimes I find myself wishing I would have met him first instead of my husband. Then I feel bad and guilty because he is my husbands friend and I shouldn't feel like I can connect more with him then my husband. I hate that I have developed feelings for him. What's worse is that he likes me and let it slip by accident one day. This is just wrong. I know but yet I wish it could work which is worse. I feel ashamed for feeling this way. One day my husbands friend told me when we were cashually chatting that he would always be my friend even if I divorced my husband because eventually my husband would pusth him to far and he would end the friendship. I don't know why he would tell me this, but I think I need to get away from both of them. </p><p>Well to make a long rant end do any of you think it would  bad if I gave up a kidney to save my husbands life then divorce him? I don't want to hurt him but I think we shouldn't be togeather anymore. I just want him to be ok. He has family he is very close to. I will cut my loses. All I want is my freedom back.</p>

Quite frankly, I'd keep my kidney and go start the divorce proceedings.  Your husband can put himself on a donor list.

There is no reason why you can't realize your dreams of working as a medical professional--none whatsoever.  You find out who you need to talk to and go talk to them about transferring your credits and finishing that line of course work.  Instead of making excuses about why you can't do this or that, just do it. At least try -- you just took other people's word for things instead of finding out for yourself.

As far as your huband's friends is concerned: LEAVE HIM ALONE.  You've got enough in front of you to deal with without the distraction of this guy. Divorce your husband FIRST then pursue whoever you wish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 3:45pm

So your husband's first transplanted kidney is failing, and his doctor is willing to transplant him again?  What caused the transplanted kidney to fail?  How do you know it won't happen to your kidney as well?  This sounds a lot like throwing good money after bad.  What happens if the second transplant fails--will he want your other kidney?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Wed, 10-24-2012 - 3:46pm

Sorry--double post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Thu, 10-25-2012 - 2:16am

In this case, no, I don't think it's wrong to donate that kidney and then walk away.  It's the MOST you can do for him under the circumstances.  What I'd do in your shoes (and I'm not in your shoes, of course) is just get it over with - just let him know NOW no matter if you donate or not, you will be leaving him.  I read years ago the best way to live is to have no regrets, hard as it is to actually do.  It's true, I've heard this is not a simple operation and there's nothing wrong with considering that!  My DH knows a guy who's had FIVE liver transplants and isn't doing so well now, either.  I take it you've been found to be a good match - it'd be much easier if you weren't.  There's nothing wrong with following thru, and there's also nothing wrong with NOT following thru.  Would you do it for a stranger?  Maybe that'd help decide?