husbands porn addiction hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
husbands porn addiction hurts
11
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 6:26pm
I am 25 and I have been married for 2 yrs. Weve been together for 4 yrs.We have 3 kids. My husband was a loner for a long time and has only had 2 sex partners.One is me. He says that he looked at porn at a young age and has always done it. I found some tapes while I was cleaning the first time and asked him about it. He said he was sorry and trashed them. I was way pregnant so it really got to me. I have found him on the net downloading porn, getting porn pics, he even brought some pics home from work one time. He tries to hide it. I have had a self image problem ever sense I had my first baby. I just dont look like I used to and never will without plastic surgery. My tummy skin didnt shrink back. I now have the worst self image I have ever had and he knows this. I thought I was fine with it and told him not to hide it from me.It was easier looking with him than him hiding it,knowing it hurt me,and still doing it. I know it is normal to look. But it makes me feel insecure. There are somethings that he looks at that I have found that make me want him never to touch me again.I thought he was over it and I was feeling pretty good about myself. Then I found some teen pics that have just floored me.This is the first time I have found teenagers. They dont look like teens but that was what he was searching for. He cant keep doing this to me.I love him and dont want to leave him but I have had all I can take of the emotional rollercoaster.I have 3 kids to care for. I cant lay in bed all day and cry, I dont want my girls to see my bad image or my son for that matter.I know Im not ugly but it still hurts me. What can I do for me and my husband? He says he knows it is a problem but cant stop.Is it addiction and can it be helped?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 10:00pm
THANK-YOU for letting me not feel alone!!!! OMG it was so good to know that i'm not the only one with feelings you can't erase! I was talking to a friend and she had been going through the same thing except with videos and i asked her how she got over it and she said simply, "you just have to." I deleted them from the computer and even though i didn't get answers to my questions, that they're all gone is a step. I asked him how would he have felt if i had naked guys on our comp. and he said that the naked male form isn't beautiful and isn't stimulating... i think guys are just visiual and you just almost have to force it out of your system...TRUST ME, I still see the images in my head, it sickens me to no point. It hurts because i have put on weight since we've been dating and then to see these girls with this adoscelent bodies...it sickening and it hurts. Especially when he's a grown man...trust me, i know. I can't get it out of my system so i know i shouldn't be giving you advice- more than anything i wanted you to know that you are DEF. not alone, and that if you need someone to talk to, i'm here. He threw away his videos, obviously he wants to try and that's always the important part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 11:11pm
He threw away those viedos about 3.5 yrs ago. I was on kazaa down loading songs for our kids a few minutes ago and found so many teenage porn. I confronted him 2 days ago about a few that I found, but now that I have found all these in the k dat folder with 15 yr olds and such.He said it was a while back, it was yesterday!He lied again. I dont think I can do this anymore. Im alone in a state with no family and no where to go. Im heartbroken,Im disgusted and on the edge of a nervous breakdown.If it werent for my kids I would just walk out even with no place to go.This has been an ongoing battle for years. He lies. I had the crappiest out look on men before him.Now I cant help but think that again. It is hard to follow my own advice,I dont know if I can. I just feel all broken
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 1:31am
Hello,

First off I just wanted to say that Iam so sorry you are going thru this. I also wanted to tell you that after I read your first message i was relieved in knowing that I'm not alone. I went through this with my husband as well. What made it so hard for me was i have despised porn for as long as I can remember and I always will. When I was a small child I would find my father's porno and I was very confused about what i was seeing. My husband was very aware of this when we got together he knew that porno was an extremely painful thing for me. But, he chose to look at it on the internet anyway. It killed me. This was a year ago, I too cannot get over it. I have 2 children and I too no longer look like I used to. I no longer have that small stomach that I once had and it bugs me to no end. Especially when I see the fake, flat stomached, plastic boobed broads he found so attractive. Sorry, I still have alot of anger. But I didn't want to end my marriage either. My husband swore he would not do it again and I haven't discovered anything since. But I still don't totally believe that he's not doing it. And now its affected all aspects of our life together. He recently got a new job and he works with women where he didn't work with too many before and I'm worried that they're all perfect looking and he's gettin nothing but eye candy all day. Hopefully I'm wrong but it just bothers me that I think this way now. Since I made the choice to stay with him I do have to try to just keep my thoughts to myself alot of the time. I also found a great website that helped understand the topic of pornography a little bit better. You may want to check it out it's www.xxxchurch.com. There you can read several different messages from people like us but also people that are addicted to porn. It was helpful to me. It obviously didn't cure my problem but it did help. I want you to know that you can email me anytime you need to. You made that comment that you're alone and I know that is a horrible feeling. my email address is memphisqueen13@yahoo.com Hang in there and check out that site.

Sincerely,

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 8:40am

Ok, the 15 year old girls is not acceptable (then again neither is Kazaa in general it will ruin your computer if you keep it on there, but anyways).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:59pm

hugs sweetie ----- to me, sorry, but your husbands behavior is totally unacceptable in a marriage. for him to say that "He says he knows it is a problem but cant stop." is something you might accept at an 4 YO level. your husband is a grown up and a father. this does in fact sound like an addiction, and if he is looking at YOUNG GIRLS (or other topics which you don't mention) then this is a serious problem. I am not normally an hysterical person, but honestly,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:29pm
thanks for your insight.I have a much stronger sex drive than my husband, so the only problem there is trying to get him to keep up with me. He had almost no self confidence when I met him. I tell him daily how sexy he is and how much he turns me on so if he has a problem with his image it is because he isnt listening to me.I dont care about his love handles either I am one of those women who like big men . I know my husband loves me and he shows that he does.But he hides the porn.I understand the dirty thing you are saying.As for masterbating he says doesnt do it. I could care less if he did that.I know that is normal. The main porn I was attacking was the 15 yr old porn. I could get my babies taken away for him doing that.He is the one that cried to me when I confronted him about the child porn saying he is wanting to stop but just has a drive. He said he was curious because he never got to see a naked girl when he was a teen. I dont care what his curiosity was those girls were 15.I dont know it is all so confusing. He tells me so many different things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:47pm
I completely agree about the 15 year old porn, that is a problem, and you need to consider removing yourself from that situation as
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 4:25pm
I looked at some of what he was seeing. They looked way older than 15. Well all but 2 of them. But the thought of him searching for 15 is bothersom. Just to be clear none of them were "little" girls.I dont see him as a pervert.I do know my husband in a way that I know he would NEVER harm another person in anyway. This younger porn has just come up and I dont see it as being an issue again. I do however see the older porn as resurfacing. And that doesnt bother me like the other. I am very confused at this point. I dont know wether this was just a curosity thing or what.It is the first occurance. He says it doesnt turn him on in anyway or think of it when we are in bed.He said he just wanted to see. What do I believe? I dont know. I do know that I dearly love him and if he says he wants to stop and wants help from me I am there for him. But the lying about it has to stop. I do know that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 5:43pm
Okay, first of all, I think the term "porn addiction" is thrown around WAY too loosely on this board. A porn looker does not an addict make. There is a HUGE difference between looking at porn and being addicted to it. And to answer your question, from what you describe, no this is not an addiction.

Second of all, I hate to say this, but your husband is not responsible for *your* insecurities. (Unless he actually tells you that you're ugly/fat/that he likes porn more than you/etc.) *You* are responsible for feeling good about your body image. It simply isn't his job.

Lastly, and IMO this is the MOST important thing.....if he is looking at teenage or kiddie porn then you need to report him, and get yourself and your children the he** away from him....NOW. Whether he's addicted or not, teen/kiddie porn is reprehensible and should not be tolerated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 6:38pm
Ok first of all read what i wrote gandalf.Im not leaving my husband or turning him in. He believes he has a problem with porn. The 15s was one time on one day, none sense then. Like i said im confused about his reasoning. But im not giving up on him. He is fighting himself on the inside,and I am going to help him as much as possible. I dont agree on the self image thing.My husband isnt a threat to anyone. Most of all little kids.You have thrown it way out there.But that is the way you see it.And I respect your opinion.

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