husbands porn addiction

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
husbands porn addiction
48
Wed, 11-14-2007 - 2:03pm
This isn't news to me, but it does seem to be increasing. I feel so angry right now. And hurt. My husband of 30 years, seems to have this secret side of him. I know he looks at porn ALOT. When I ask him about it he says it gets sent to his email. Well, it gets sent to my email too, but the difference is I don't open them. Well today I noticed on the computer that he went to a site called married women who cheat, I mean really. It did not appear on our desktop all by itself.
A little background, our sex life is not the best right now. And this is part of the reason. How the heck can I feel turned on when it bothers me so much that he has to be involved in porn. It is so stupid to me. When I ask him he tells me he isn't doing it and when I tell him how much it hurts me would he please stop, he tells me I don't know what I am talking about. He is very computer savy so he knows how to erase the evidence. Sometimes I can go for months thinking he has stopped and then I will see that he really hasn't. He even has left a site up on the task bar. Tomarrow we are supposed to go on a trip together and I don't even want to look at him. He knows how I feel about porn and yet he continues to do it. I feel violated and disgusted. What am I supposed to do? How do I act like this isn't a problem between us. Remember I can't say anything to him because he will turn it around and make this look like it is my fault.
Thanks for any advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:22pm
Porn addiction and porn looking are different. If it's porn addiction and getting in the way of your relationship that's a problem. If it's normal porn viewing and you make an issue, then you've created your own problem. Sometimes it's hard to see the problem clearly when you're in the middle, to the OP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:26pm

Ok you read studies. But my man looks at porn, sometimes we look together, and he is very loving and respectful of me, and generous and takes care of me in every way-emotionally, sexually, financially. He is my best friend and we are very close and he doesn't have to hide from me, if I don't feel like looking at porn then he sits next to me with the lapton while I watch tv or nap.It's very possible to have a healthy happy loving relationship and accept your man as he is-porn and all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:29pm

Hi kitttykatttt,


The difference is that you guy isn't hiding it from you. The original poster, her guy is hiding it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:36pm
Well it's hard to say from just reading what the OP wrote. Is he hiding it because he knows she's disapprove and he's only a casual porn user or is he hiding because it's an addiction and doesn't want her to know the extent of his addiction. It's probably hard for the OP to know too. I think maybe a counselor can help them sort this out. If her H is willing. Is he dismissing her feeling because he's reassured her endlessly and it's done no good or is he dismissing her feelings because he's not being a proper caring loving partner? Again hard to know. Just because he's on a married women who cheat site is not indicative in itself of cheating. My BF looks at MILF's, cheating married women, big and natural, and shoes. Sometimes it's just fetishes and not necessarily cheating. But it's hard to know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:37pm
Well
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:43pm

Everyone has a different gauge for what's acceptable behavior in a relationship, what they can live with and what they consider to be dealbreakers......


I hope she finds the help she's looking for.






iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:45pm
So I'm lying or in denial or living a lie or what? Sometimes I fantacize during sex and sometimes I don't. We are very happy and very close. Sometimes it's just us and we tell each other we love each other and why and sometimes we talk dirty and sometimes we role play but just verbally. It's just variety and it's fun. I didn't have any of that in my first marriage and the sex is way better now, I feel complete and I didn't before.I don't deny you can be happy without porn if that's for you,I would never say you're living a lie, you aren't happy because you don't look at porn
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:48pm

Just because it's not a problem for you in your relationship doesn't mean it has to be acceptable to anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 1:59pm

As for your "Why" question, you presumed to tell me that I was in for a dysfunctional relationship on some level if

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 2:33pm
right I never said it's better, as long as you're happy and aren't hurting anyone, that's what matters. But I don't know if it was you or somebody else who implied that if you're happy that way, you're really just kidding yoiurself, not direct quotes but that was the message behind it. BTW, my man gets turned on by other women and I get turned on by other men, it's just a fact,not a big deal but a biological realtiy. Neither of us would cross the line into making any real life contact on line or in real life.