husbands porn addiction

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
husbands porn addiction
48
Wed, 11-14-2007 - 2:03pm
This isn't news to me, but it does seem to be increasing. I feel so angry right now. And hurt. My husband of 30 years, seems to have this secret side of him. I know he looks at porn ALOT. When I ask him about it he says it gets sent to his email. Well, it gets sent to my email too, but the difference is I don't open them. Well today I noticed on the computer that he went to a site called married women who cheat, I mean really. It did not appear on our desktop all by itself.
A little background, our sex life is not the best right now. And this is part of the reason. How the heck can I feel turned on when it bothers me so much that he has to be involved in porn. It is so stupid to me. When I ask him he tells me he isn't doing it and when I tell him how much it hurts me would he please stop, he tells me I don't know what I am talking about. He is very computer savy so he knows how to erase the evidence. Sometimes I can go for months thinking he has stopped and then I will see that he really hasn't. He even has left a site up on the task bar. Tomarrow we are supposed to go on a trip together and I don't even want to look at him. He knows how I feel about porn and yet he continues to do it. I feel violated and disgusted. What am I supposed to do? How do I act like this isn't a problem between us. Remember I can't say anything to him because he will turn it around and make this look like it is my fault.
Thanks for any advice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 2:36pm
Yes if your man likes porn and you don't you will be in for a dysfunctional relationship on some level. Because he won't stop and he'll just sneak and hide and that does cause a certain level of dysfunction. Now if you find or have that rare man(or in your opinion not so rare man) who doesn't care for porn, and you don't either, great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 4:16pm

Not to bore you with my stats, but depending on the research, the

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 4:18pm

A couple of the men I've dated use porn casually when they're not in a relationship, but in a fulfilling sexual relationship, they put it away and don't feel they "need" it.

Liking porn doesn't mean the same thing for all men. Believe it or not, there are guys who can ignore it or...Take care of themselves without it. Some are okay with saying "no problem, if it bothers you then I won't do it" and then really, they stop. It just isn't important to everyone. If he's lying and hiding it, then the problems are far greater than just porn - could it signify an addiction? Sure, but addiction to something is a very serious accusation, and by definition it means that he CAN'T stop without a true intervention. It's not often that we realize that some guys simply do not WANT to stop badly enough. There's a distinct difference.

I'm sure that the men who really do have a porn addiction are in far lesser amount than those who just like porn more than appeasing the woman in their lives. A lot of men say, "well why should I have to choose, that's stupid, I'm not doing anything to hurt her, I'm not cheating on her, it's not right for her to control me." And in a way... They're sort of right. It's just a different point of view (this being a moral argument, different points of view can be different but still valid). But nonetheless, it's important to take her feelings into consideration, and if he's not going to comply with her demands, he should at least do it with honesty so that she can genuinely make the decision to leave or not, because at that point, that's what needs to be done.That, I think, is the biggest problem with couples who disagree on porn. He has to hide it to keep her from getting angry while still getting what he wants, and she has to put up with dishonesty and sneakiness in return for her dislike of what he's doing. It's not right, or fair, but you know, communication is what it comes down to for ANY relationship problem... And if you don't like one another to act with integrity and honesty then you don't really have much to work on.

My two cents as usual

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 5:49pm
Summed up beautifully. But no help to the OP unfortunately since her and her H aren't seeing eye to eye on this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 6:08pm
Yeah, it's tough when two people have such different views. It's like trying to change one another's mind on politics... Unless they are both willing to open up to one another's point of view they won't get too far, sadly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-20-2007 - 10:40pm
I don't agree that this is necessarily true. It depends on what the couple has agreed upon, as well. If the woman has some personal boundaries that exclude porn viewing and the h has agreed to do so, if he then looks at porn, he is disrespecting her, lying to her, and not being faithful to his promises. It may not be the woman creating her own issue. I am really offended by that on a personal level. I know it's not meant this way, but this is something that is important to me because I was sexually abused with the use of porn as part of that. I have a right to my personal boundaries. Since my dh agreed to those boundaries, his looking at porn then becomes something he is doing wrong.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 9:53am

You have every right to set any personal boundaries that are comfortable for you and to expect that someone you're in a relationship with respects that.

But if he is lying and acting in ways that for you are DEFINITE DEAL-BREAKERS... Maybe the time has come that you need to say "this isn't healthy for me anymore" and leave? If a man doesn't change then you only have two options, and one of them isn't "keep trying to change him"

Someone who doesn't respect those boundaries that you agreed upon is not worth keeping around, marriage or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-21-2007 - 1:50pm
Well said!

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