I am an alcoholic

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
I am an alcoholic
2
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 10:17pm
I am an alcoholic. For six months I progressively approached the lowest point in my life. I began to drink vodka. At first to try something new in my life. Then, to relieve stress. Then to reach the "ah" stage... where it really feels good. Then over the last two months I began to drink almost every day. During these last two months, through the effects of drinking, I missed the effects my drinking was having on my wife, my son and my daughter. I drank every night, I sometimes had a drink during the day. Finally, on the last day... I drank for 24 hours straight. I woke up a few times in that 24 hours to have my wife angry with me, more than I had seen her in our lives together (20 years). Over the past two months I lied, lied, and lied again. I hid alcohol. I pretended I did not, but I did. I had fallen so far in so short a time. And did not know I had. On the morning after I had stayed drunk for 24 hours... I finally sought help. I took real measures. I checked my self in to a partial hospitalization program for the treatment of Alcoholism. I am required to be accountable to the process not only to myself, and my family, but to the center. I am required to take daily urinalisis tests. I am required to attend 4-5 hours of classes, counseling, and meetings per day. Today, I am sober. Today, I am very, very humiliated, sad, and very lonely. For 20 years my wife and I grew progressively closer... I mean really closer to where I know I did love here and I know she did love me more than the day we married which was the most wonderful day of my life. We really had it better and better... and in six months, I have torn it all apart. During counseling you find out it is a disease, an incurrable, yet recoverable disease. The diseased does not know that he is what he is, and thinks lying is protective and drinking is okay. I finally realized... and thank God, not after 5 years or 10 years or more of being drunk, but after a six month ride to hell--that I was in need of serious help or I was going to lose my family. Unfortunately, I found out a week too late. I have always been the pillar in which my wife could depend upon for support, forgiveness, unquestioning love and a person who would always listen. I have always been there for my wife -- until Vodka became my wife. And I finally realized this--a week too late. Because a week before I crashed, my wife sought the support she had had so long from me in the presence, and bed of another man. Three days after I sought recovery for my addiction and was beginning to invest myself in the program, she told me, "I cheated on you, how does that feel." My first reaction was, and I promise you, to tell her that I love her. My second, and later reaction that day, was to drive around crying for two hours before finally pulling over to the side of the road, rolled my self into the fetal position and sobbed for the loss I had caused. I love my wife immensely. I forgive her. I do not blame her. It was my iniquity, which caused her to seek fullness elsewhere. But, I need her, so dearly, so deeply. I am committed to recovery, not cureness because there is no cure, but life long recovery of my addiction. I am committed to becoming, rebecoming the father to my children I MUST be. I am committed to recommitting my life to my wife, in ways I have never imagined, because I will seek to find new and exciting ways to support her, to love her, to be here always for her. But she is hurt, she is finding new ways to relieve her pain then depending on me... and I am in the greatest pain I have ever felt for the loss. Today, juxtaposed to my wedding day, is the worst day of my life. Certainly, this valley I am in, is one I walked into on my own and without looking back until I realized, it was dark, it was scary as hell, and I was lost if I did not find light. But I can't do this alone, I need her back. It can't be too late. I accept the blame. It was me, not her, who put US in this place. My hope is that there is some wisdom that could be imparted on me that would help me to find a way to win her back. To gain the support, I so desperately need, do not deserve, but am lost without. Any help would be awesome. Any constructive ideas would be gratefully accepted. I am an alcoholic. My name is Mark.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: markard
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 1:55pm

Hi Mark, I'm Sheri and I'm an alcoholic also.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: markard
Sun, 01-18-2004 - 4:05pm
Mark, I'm Erin - an alcoholic in recovery 7 years. Been where you are...and here's my advice. Feel free to use the email if you wish.

Recovery is something you need to define - is it going to be "just not drinking" - or is it going to be you learning to accept yourself at the core, to become the person YOU want to be, living by the values and standards YOU set for yourself, and working towards goals and achieving success by YOUR definitions- rather than others.

Most marriages in an addict cycle do fall apart....it's because enablers and addicts think in mirror image patterns. She didn't fall into bed with someone because you weren't who she thought you were in sobriety - she fell into bed with someone the same reason you fell into the bottle - she wanted to.

I'll be honest...I sobered up to get a divorce, got sober and found out that a divorce in my then present financial, familial, social, and professional situation wasn't an option - redefined recovery to include self-actualization - stopped focusing on winning his approval and acceptance and started winning my own. I became everything in terms of value oriented, goal focused, emotionally stable, and rationally logical that I ever wanted to be, and that he claimed he was...I found out he wasn't what I wanted and needed, but not for the same initial reason when I sobered up "so I could divorce this idiot".

So, you can't focus on getting the "life you had" back - unless you want the problem you had to remain. In one sense, we're all addictive personalities. The alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, shopping, etc. that is the 'evidence" of our addictive personalities is evident in us all. It's just that some people get realistic in their expectations, get responsible and rational in their approach to life as a whole, become self-aware and self-accepting, take responsibility for defining adn becoming who they wish to be - and those "traits" that would make them an "addict" - make them successful, secure and happy instead.

So recovery is more about you learning to apply the traits you have as assets - rather than liabilities. And it requires that you stop thinking of success in terms of situations, circumstances, relationships, positions, possessions, or the definitions/acceptance of others.

Just like you can't undo the damage you did when you drank...your wife can't undo the damage she did when she slept with someone else. It's just that realizing "undoing" it isn't necessary - but accepting it as a fact, and utilizing it to become who you each wish to be - is an option, a possibility, and a requirement if truly a happy, successful, secure life is out there for either of you. As individuals, as a couple if you wish to remain that.

But realize your entire relationship is shattered...not because you drank to excess, not because she slept around...but because who you were is no longer who you are. The thinking patterns, expectations, and responsiblity for self have changed...and that means you're not the same person you were.

Realize the "person you were" is who she was attracted to, thought like, and that she can understand.

Don't focus on her - as hard as that is to hear. Because you can't control her or her values.

But do realize that values justify and entitle actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine the character, conscience, integrity and honor in every facet and venue.

So you become in every egard the man you wish to be so that your identity isn't found in situations, relationships, possessions, or positions - and if you're someone that she comes to admire and respect based on your application of your traits as assets, your value oriented living, your goal focused approach and emotional stability because she mirrors that in herself based on her recovery - you two might reunite, and if not - you'll at least be civil.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com