I am a basket case over this guy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
I am a basket case over this guy
2
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 1:07am
What am I doing...

Over three months ago I met a sexy and charismatic guy in a hotel elevator. The sparks were immediate; we began an intimate relationship that got hotter and heavier over the ensuing weeks. I also liked him a lot and enjoyed spending time with he and his two young girls from a prior marriage. He is 38, I am 42.

Three weeks ago he (let's call him Jason) began to act distant. Finally he told me he wanted to see other people, namely an ex-girlfriend he had run into. We already had plans to go to a show out of town the following weekend, and we agreed we'd still do that.

I went out on a date with another guy in the meantime. Jason and I flew to Las Vegas for the show and checked into the hotel. We talked about the previous week, and he asked me if I'd seen anyone. I told him I did and he got very angry and agitated. I told him I only did it because it was something he had wanted to do as well, but he was still annoyed.

After the show we went dancing and there was a lot of touching and kissing. Back at the room, things got more intense. Suddenly, Jason pulled back and said, "I told the girl I'm seeing I wouldn't sleep with you."

I told him to get out of the room and we nearly had a blowout. We both calmed down and talked about it, and of course soon we were making love. He told me how wonderful he thought I was and that he was starting to feel deeply about me. Then he said, "This is terrible to say but I think I'm not as attracted to you as I was to my other girlfriend because you're older."

Well, I find this hard to believe because of the passion he had for me. I told him I thought he didn't know what to make of someone who actually had a mind of their own and didn't need to be "rescued" by him. He said he was getting back together with his old girlfriend because he wanted a relationship and that I was too soon out of my marriage to start a new one. Then, he started to cry. He cried and cried all night that he was going to miss me and that now he had started the relationship with the ex on the wrong foot by sleeping with me. In short, he is a confused mess.

We flew home the next day and he cried and held me the whole time. I was emotional too, but why all the drama? My cell phone rang on the plane and it was a guy asking me to a movie. Jason blew up...turned away and was almost shaking he was so angry.

When I woke up the next morning I saw I had two messages from Jason. I called him and he said he really wanted us to be good friends. He started to cry AGAIN and said he had never met anyone like me.

Since then he has called me four or five times. We do have a professional project we are working on together so I do have to stay in touch for that. We talked about going to a movie next week but I don't know...

I haven't a clue where his head is right now. I like him but don't want all the drama. What could he be feeling for me, if anything? I would like to get into a position of control in the relationship where at least I feel I am making the decision about where it's going. Now I am merely being steered along. Any help you could provide would be so appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 2:15am

<<>> that seems to be the underlying theme in this "relationship". he has been calling the shots from day, he has been manipulating you (all that crying....), and you have been going along with it - i guess you are getting SOME kind of benefit from all this.


you are a grown woman - and if you want to call the shots - then call 'em! IF all you want is some kind of "friends with benefits" relationship - then tell him, upfront, what you want. tell him to cut all the BS and drama, you are fine with a FWB relationship, and that's it.


if however, you are tired of him treating you this way - then you walk. no movies, no friends. is this guy really "friend" material? doesn't seem that way to me....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 11:59am
I am sorry but I think it is kind of funny (in a not so funny way) that this guy thinks he is more capable of being in a relationship than you. He sounds like the basket case - not you. It really sounds like he is trying to hang on to you just in case things with the other woman isn't what he expected or what he wanted. Or he just wants to be with both of you and so he is keeping you there. Either way, it is a crazy situation, and like you said, who needs all that drama? I certainly wouldn't want it. You obviously have other men interested in you and this guy has NO RIGHT getting angry or jealous about who you are dating. It was his decision to "see other people" and he is mad that you are not sitting at home alone waiting for him to come back to you. You are a grown woman with a lot going for you, I say move on to a more mature guy without all the dramatic baggage. You deserve to be treated better than him. No matter how hot and sexy this guy is, there is one just as hot and sexy who wants to be with just you and will treat you much better. Move on and find that guy!